Constantly Kissing Frogs

!!! NEWSFLASH !!!

2008-06-06T23:22:00.002-05:00

I'm happy.

Really happy.

All is right in my world...

The man I love is not with me tonight, but his heart is.

My career is soaring! A meeting in the next 2 weeks is looking like a life-changing event! Can you say "MILLIONS"???

I can :) :) :)

And I'm being super-conservative because "millions" isn't the word that was used.

It actually sounded the same, but started with a "b".

I'm happy.

I want to remember this feeling for the rest of my life.

Dear Dad

2008-06-02T00:19:00.002-05:00

Dear Dad,

With this open letter to cyberspace, I tell you goodbye.

For 34 years you dragged me down to the lowest depths of emotional turmoil. You rewarded me and praised me when I let you control my life and did exactly as you thought best and punished and berated and humiliated me when I made a decision you disagreed with.

I have had a miserable life.

For 1 year, we have not spoken. You hurt me one final time and we had words and that was the end of it. The past year has been the best year of my life.

As a child, I remember you beating me within an inch of my life for going on the stairs in roller skates and kicking out at another child after you had forbidden me to go near the stairs. I don't remember much about the beating itself, though I recall my mother feeding me tea and toast in bed because I was unable to get up.

It's the only beating I remember but as a child, I was the only kid who was happy her parents were divorced.

You learned to hurt far more with words than with hands.

I remember as a pre-teen how much I hated spending a weekend with you because you would make fun of me over a pimple. You teased me and humiliated me worse than any schoolmates ever did.

You gave me my first car. A 1979 Fiat with no floorboards. It was 1990. The car broke down every day. When I got a flat tire, the car had to be totalled because you had welded the tire to the car.

I remember babysitting my half-sister and finding cocaine in a coat pocket.

When I was 14, my 2 year old half-sister walked into the room and aimed a handgun at me and said "bang" because you didn't bother to lock up your weapons. When I got upset, you laughed. It was hilarious to you.

Also when I was 14 you explained to me over lunch how you may have to go to prison because you had been busted for dealing drugs. You protested your innocence ("I only counted the money!")

I believe I was 16 when you were arrested for possession of a stolen dune buggy.

Every weekend I spent with you, you had me roll massive amounts of change telling me it was my college fund, yet the day I took you to my college finance meeting, you stuck me in a student loan and advised me to not spend more than I could afford.

In my high school job at Target, you came in when I worked the refund counter and made me return bogus items.

You mocked every gift I ever gave you. I hated shopping for you. (Don't expect a Father's Day present, buddy.)

At one of my first "real" jobs, my boss repeatedly complained about his "insane neighbor" who would stand outside and scream profanities. When I brought pictures into the office, he saw one of you and I and said "That's my neighbor!". Again, humilation...

A year later I went to work at a law firm. One attorney I worked for recognized my last name. He had defended you in the drug charges. I was ashamed. I quit.

When I was 18, my mother got cancer. I was terrified and postponed college. You stopped speaking to me for nearly 6 months just after telling me I would be a worthless piece of shit for not going to college. You never graduated high school. Pot. Kettle.

I watched you call my 8-year old sister a whore in front of all of her friends because you hated what she was wearing. You told her friends they were assholes for hanging out with her.

When my 9 year old sister told me "Dad says he hopes I don't grow up to be a big blimp like you" and I confronted you in tears - rather than apologize, you punished her for telling me and called her a liar.

When I worked for you, you verbally abused me daily. For any mistake I was called names.

You threw my 14 year old sister out of the house and I had to take her in and raise her through her high school graduation. I turned her life around and you took the credit for it.

You divorced my stepmother when she became terminally ill and told me you didn't want to get stuck with her medical bills - but not before I told you I knew you had a girlfriend on the side.

You had me evicted from your brother-in-laws home so you could move into it rent-free.

When my fiancee got busted cheating on me and I was devastated you told me to suck it up because "all men cheat and only the stupid ones get caught but women can't cheat because they are too emotional".

When I prematurely delivered my 2nd child who died at birth, you never showed up at the hospital.

When I started talking to my ex-fiancee again 6 months later as a friend, you disowned me despite the fact you once pushed me to marry him. You told me I wasn't a fit mother because of this decision, despite the fact that I am a single mother who is doing a damned fine job raising an incredible child.

We haven't spoken since and I have never been happier. You are dead to me and I am thankful every day you don't exist in my world. I am free.

Don't come back. Ever.

Don't send me messages through my sister because someone called you and asked for me and it pissed you off.

Stay dead to me.

Regards,
DQC

Explaining This Thing That I Cannot Explain

2008-05-21T22:24:00.002-05:00

I have been in love before. Of that I have no doubt.

I loved Brad. I certainly loved my family. Without question I love my daughter.

But Jeff...

Wow.

How many tears have I shed? How many broken hearts because of him? How long have I waited?

And for what?

It's not for those moments of intensity - the successes in our business when we jump together and shriek and laugh. It's not for the way those beautiful eyes can make my spine dissolve. And it is not for the slow, deep kisses.

It's something else.

It's for those unremarkable, quiet times when we're just together watching tv or sitting on a couch. It's for that "click" I feel in every synapse that tells me everything has just fallen into perfect place.

I do not know what our future holds. I do not know if we'll make it work forever (though I can hope)...

I do know he is the great love of my life.

I know he always will be.

Even if I do not know why.

Bad Blogger! Bad Blogger!!!

2008-05-14T20:54:00.002-05:00

Oh my....

I am a terrible blogger.

I had stopped even thinking about this blog because life has been so hectic until Jeff asked if I still blogged. I logged on while we spoke and saw the comments and now I feel terrible guilty to have worried anyone.

But...

(drum roll)

One anonymous commenter asked me "This relationship has not changed in a year and a half, do you really expect it to now?"

The truth is - of course I did!

Wondering how it's played out?

Have I been a fool?

Am I broken hearted?

Hmm...

Well, yes. I have been a fool.

Thank god, I was.

Bloggies, I am thrilled to pieces to report that this relationship HAS changed dramatically.

I am even happier to tell you that Jeff has become someone who has been entirely worth waiting for.

I can't tell you how it has all happened. Jeff works his program. I work mine. He has a sponsor.

He's still not able to say "I love you" but I can tell you that I believe he feels it.

We are happy.

He's dropped a few comments about us living together in the future. A few times he mentioned marriage very off-handedly...as if he sees it.

Don't get me wrong, we have our moments. We spend a lot of time together, we irritate one another, we step on each other But we work it out easily and smoothly and we don't for one moment doubt we will be together.

I know this story is far from over, but it's been on a VERY happy path for quite some time now.

Even more surprising is that my insecurity and jealousy issues have drastically improved. Right down to Jill - the woman he once left me for - contacting him and it bothered me for all of 40 minutes before it was ancient history. It never even phased him. He was where he wanted to be.

I love Jeff and his character has really changed. He is actually becoming the man he used to try to pretend to be. He is honest, he shows integrity and he is a joy to be around.

Bloggies...for now (and for a while now!) I find myself happy.

We Can't Go On Together (With Suspicious Minds)

2008-02-20T00:29:00.002-05:00

I think it's all too much.

I believe Jeff and I are soul mates, just as I believe our chance to be happy together was ruined.

I can't trust him. I have tried so hard and even though I can say that I am "so-so" on my program right now, I just can not trust him.

He puts nothing into this relationship and I'm foolish to believe that will ever change. Because isn't that what this is? Me sitting around waiting for him to change?

It does not work.

If he had an emotional investment in this relationship, I might be able to start feeling a bit more trusting. If he earned back my trust, I might be able to trust him again. But without either of those factors - it's this vicious cycle of me feeling strung along.

I feel suspicious and jealous all the time - and that's not how I want to feel. I want to relax with and without him and feel secure. There is zero security in this relationship.

I won't officially end it just yet, but I am going to start the process of emotionally detaching. There's no point sitting around caring so deeply for someone who doesn't return the feelings.

I've wasted so much time on someone so unworthy. This is not a healthy relationship and I can not single handedly change that.

Imperfections

2008-02-19T00:00:00.002-05:00

Even after such a great many days of feeling like I'd achieved better sobriety, the addictions can knock you down.

The trick is to get back up and do it again...and again...and again. Because working towards feeling better is always going to be better than not.

I fell hard last week.

Valentine's Day was lovely, but somehow after we'd crawled into bed I began to feel that frustration inside of me. I felt frustrated that Jeff remained emotionally unavailable. I suppose that I had some fantasy of him romancing me just a bit with words. We had an amazing meal and a lovely night, but I would have traded it all to hear him tell me that I mattered to him.

Then came Friday.

The problems with Jeff's ex-wife begin again. As I understand it, her boyfriend of some time now packed his things and left her. Whatever empathy I might have felt got wiped out when she called Jeff. He spoke to her on his cell in our office and I could hear her snooty British bitching on the other side of the room. She asked Jeff about money he owes her and he told her truthfully he's working on it.

Jeff did fall behind in the OUTRAGEOUSLY high alimony and child support he owes her while we were apart. The amount he pays her per month is more than most people earn for a salary with a full time career. Over the past 3 months, he has paid her about $10,000 to catch up.

She asked how he was "working on it" and he mentioned our business. She knows he and I are working together but she seems to have the false idea that I am some dumb secretary he gives a paycheck too rather than 51% owner of the company and someone who covers her bills and not much else. I do not draw a salary beyond my immediate expenses.

She said rude things like "What the hell does SHE know about aviation?" (Um...more than you and I've done well at it for the past 6 months) and "I'm going to be pissed if you pay that bitch before me" (Um...MY company that I work my ass off at and you don't dictate my payroll).

Then she announced that she was going to have a private investigator check me out.

She also demanded copies of my company's bank statements.

Um...no.

What she doesn't know is that only weeks ago I told Jeff that our next large commission would be largely directed to paying her off. I was willing to sacrifice my cut to get her settled.

Not anymore. Guess I can be a bitch after all. Jeff's financial obligations to her are separate from me and our company and no longer my headache. How's THAT suit ya??? (as she once snapped at me on a voicemail).

Truthfully it bothered me and pissed me off. I've been good to her kids and I've been working hard with Jeff to turn his life around for the better and she just wants to throw her little bitchy remarks around about me.

And thus, serenity lost.

I became suspicious and frustrated and irritable. I checked up on Jeff and caught him in a minor slip and I retaliated by checking out the personal ads and seriously considering cheating. I didn't let him know what I knew, but rather just seethed inside.

At my meeting, I confessed all.

Jeff and I had a long talk and straightened it all out. It's a very hard thing between us. I honestly don't know if it will work.

His meeting tonight was a waste. He caught another cold and wasn't really in the present. He skipped his sponsor meeting to come home and when I said that I was worried, he jumped all over me. Eventually he said he didn't feel well and was just defensive and I said goodnight. I told him I wanted him to get rested, but the truth was that I did not want to talk to him anymore.

My grandmother - the last living one - passed away this morning and I knew my Dad would be devastated. I felt like I should call him, but I could not bring myself to it. My sister called to tell me but my father and stepmother continued to avoid contact with me. In the end, I decided nothing positive would come of my call beyond surface value for either of us and I eventually stopped staring at my cell phone.

I plan to work my program harder and more often. For me. Not for Jeff or anyone else.

To be honest - as much as I want to be with Jeff, I am growing tired of this game with him and without some major progress on his end I don't see us lasting.

And maybe that's not a bad thing.

For Giggles

2008-02-16T10:00:00.002-05:00

moar humorous pics

moar humorous pics

moar humorous pics

Love is in the Air

2008-02-14T15:50:00.001-05:00

So far it has been a good day :)

I arrived at work this morning to find a single red rose, a box of eclairs and a card from Jeff on my chair.

The card read "If your heart is light and happy then my Valentine wish will come true" - open it and it plays "Don't Worry. Be happy" and reads "And my heart will be happy too!"

Jeff wrote " I'm glad we're back together and I hope this Valentine's Day will be a great memory for us both. Love, Jeff"

The rest of the day has been work, work, work but I am looking forward to tonight!

Happy Hearts & Flowers Day!

2008-02-14T00:12:00.002-05:00

Well!

I have to say that my "a-ha!" moment the other day has brought about a major change. I feel wonderful.

I am far more focused on my own emotional state and it has taken off LOADS of pressure. Instead of fretting about the past or living in fear of the future, I am stopping to enjoy each moment.

The other night, post "a-ha!" moment I stopped myself. I felt anxious and irritated - so I reviewed my day and realized it had been a great day! I'd woken up beside the man I love, worked in my office, watched a new employee make his first sale, relaxed with tv and I realized when I was done that it had been a wonderful day.

I still feel great.

Today will be V-Day. At 12:01 am, Jeff text messaged me and made me smile from ear to ear. He's made "secret" dinner plans tonight and possibly something after and I am really looking forward to it.

I can honestly say I have not checked up on Jeff at all. I am (for the first time) completely "sober".

I'm feeling great!

Step One

2008-02-11T21:52:00.000-05:00

I am going to try to work out my steps here. My group is really too new to have sponsors, although we all lean on each other.

Starting now....I guess I will try to journal my way through it.

From Stepping Stones to Recovery:

The Codependence patterns that I see in myself: (Note, I am not including any I feel are not applicable to me).

Denial Patterns:

I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others (I know in my heart this is not true and that I can be very selfish, yet I always seem to try to tell myself and the world how much I give, do, suffer or how hard I work...)

Low Self-Esteem Patterns:

I judge everything I think, say, or do harshly as never "good enough"

I value others approval of my thinking, feelings and behaviors over my own.

I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.

I am very sensitive to how others are feelings and feel the same.

I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.

I accept sex when I want love.

Control Patterns:

I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.

I become resentful when others will not let me help them.

I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.

I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.

I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.

I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.

Step One: We admitted that we were powerless over other people, that our lives had become unmanageable.

In my book, it is suggested I make two lists. The first is my "joy" list. It is expected to be a list of people, places and things I am grateful for:

thunder storms at night
the way autumn feels
my daughter
my cats - my small kitten (a full grown runt of a tiny thing) seems to have the amazing ability to sense when I need comfort and always curls up with me. During the first few months I had left Jeff, she slept with me each night and purred against me. I truly felt comforted.
music - I love to find songs that make me feel understood
my 12 step group. the women there accept me and I love them for it.
books - I love to read
travelling - I love to explore new places
hugs and kisses - I admit this is tricky because I only like them from people I feel intimate with, but they make me feel so warm
movies - I love to lose myself in a good movie
Brad, my ex-husband - he continues to be my best friend
My home. It's often messy, but it's my space.
My career - I love to work
laughter
snuggling against Jeff - it feels so good
flowers
Naps on a Sunday
The sound of football on tv
Having my back rubbed
Having my face caressed
Having my hair played with
Passion

My second list is to be a list of things that no matter how hard I try just frustrate me or make me angry. Things I can not control:

My family - they have never been there when I needed them
My father, in particular - he is emotionally abusive and has never approved of anything I say or do unless it's what he wants me to say or do.
Jeff's love - I just can't seem to win it
My daughter's school work
Bettering myself - I feel like I can never say or do the right thing
My former friends - I feel like they used me and abandoned me when I needed them the most.

***Note: I had published the above and was already realizing how lousy all my posts including the first one tonight was because I am SO not "sober" - but in reading I had an aha! moment and needed to add it here.

In Codependent's Guide to the Twelve Steps regarding Step One there are questions.

1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none? yes. Have you been trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results? yes.

2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress? Jeff. Whom do you feel victimized by? My family and Jeff. Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions or some other area of your life? Jeff. What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying or avoiding? I'm not sure on this one...being alone? Being unloved?

3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? A-ha! My god, if I wasn't trying to control Jeff he wouldn't want to be with me. I am actually more afraid he won't want to be with me than I even am of him cheating on me...because I think if he cheated on me and I found out and he begged me for forgiveness and told me how sorry he was and how much he needed to be with me I would feel better than if he decided he did not want to be with me.

But I CAN'T control him or his feelings and he IS with me. I have to stop analyzing. Jeff wants to be with me, because he IS with me. PERIOD. Sure, I want more. Sure, I am afraid. Sure, it's hard. But he's with me. Instead of freaking out over whether or not he will love me or will want to be with me tomorrow, I need VERY much to just BE HAPPY that he wants to be with me right now. What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you? Same thing. If I didn't let him control me, I am still afraid he would not want to be with me. See above.

That's only 3 of 8 questions, but for tonight it is enough. I've had my "aha" moment.

I'm good.

My V-Day Ultimatum is off. I will be here until I no longer feel I can. I won't worry about that. For today, I love Jeff and Jeff is my boyfriend and wants to be with me and that has to be enough for today.

Hold On

2008-02-11T21:33:00.000-05:00

Last year, Valentine's Day was a nightmare. I worked just to make sure I could try to forget the day.

But I did do one thing...

I set a scheduled task for 11:11 pm Valentine's Day night 2008 reminding me to find love.

I'm a little surprised to hear that Jeff has made secret plans, but I wonder if he can grasp what I really need this Valentine's Day.

I wonder if I will find love after all. I feel like no one has looked or tried harder than I have.

I wonder if he knows how hard I am trying to hold on when I feel my heart starting to give up.

I think I have almost subconsciously set this Valentine's Day as a benchmark. Maybe it's not fair to him, maybe it's too much pressure - but what about the fairness to me all these years and the pressure that I have been under?

I need his heart by 11:11 on the 14th. And not the chocolate or Hallmark variety.

It's crunch time. Post V-Day, I can't imagine how much longer I am going to be able to sit around loving a man who can't love me back.

But something inside of me feels like I am already giving up and I have just set V-Day as a last chance for romance sort of desperate attempt.

I love him. I know it doesn't mean that I can be with him.

But I can't keep lowering myself into believing I have to wait to be loved back. I believe I deserve his love, I believe I have earned it.

Chemistry? We have it. We enjoy the heck out of one another on every level.

Passion? We've had it, and while it's a slow burn right now through our programs, it's there.

Love? I've been by this man's side through it all. I've stood so strong by him. I've loved him in spite of the hardest of challenges he has thrown at me. I've stayed when everyone else has turned their back.

This is the biggest frog of them all and V-Day magic really needs to be on my side as I try to kiss him into a prince for the millionth time.

Otherwise I will sadly resign myself to start removing the warts. :(

I really hope...

Well, you know what I hope.

Love me.

A Tale of Two Perspectives Starts With Goodbye

2008-02-10T12:57:00.001-05:00

My guess is this:

He sees me as untrusting. Annoying in my anxieties. Always doubting, suspicious, pushing for more from him.

He thinks I am clingy. He thinks I need him too much. He thinks I want him glued to my side.

My side is a different view:

I don't trust him. He betrayed me repeatedly. He lied to me. All of that could be fixed but he does nothing to earn back my trust.

Maybe I do push for more, but I am pushing for more than nothing. I am pushing for my boyfriend who has been in my life for almost 3 years to care about me even a little.

He forgets to call. He forgets my birthday. He blows me off. He never pays me the slightest compliment. He takes me forgranted.

Two different perspectives.

I am picking him up from the airport tonight, and to be honest I expect it to end tonight.

I don't see how this can work. He can't give and I can no longer compromise.

It will be hard.

It will hurt (me anyway).

But it is what it is.

It Starts with Goodbye (Carrie Underwood)

I was sitting on my doorstep,
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand,
But I knew I had to do it,
And he wouldn't understand,

So hard to see myself without him,
I felt a piece of my heart break,
But when you're standing at a crossroad,
There's a choice you gotta make.

[Chorus:]
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad,
but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.

[Chorus:]
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

Time, time heals,
The wounds that you feel,
Somehow, right now.

[Chorus:]
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye

Okey-Dokey

2008-02-09T12:22:00.000-05:00

I'm still feeling good and strong. Jeff called this morning and we spoke for about 30 seconds before he had to go. His father's memorial is today.

I still feel good. I admit that I am concerned he will cheat or do something out there, but at the same time I feel just fine.

I still feel the way I did last night about the relationship. I feel like he has to either open up emotionally or it has to end soon.

And I still hope he will find a way to open up.

I'm trying to gather a group of girls for tonight. It's still a little last minute but I'm hoping. Worst case, I guess I will go out by myself.

Can We Talk?

2008-02-09T02:04:00.000-05:00

So. I've been thinking.

Jeff's been gone since...3:30ish? We had a few tense phone conversations...I wasn't thrilled he ate dinner in an airport bar since bars are on his "don't" list (self-made) and our last chat he was either tired or just cold, but I got the big brush off. Basically "I'm here. Bye" and when I tried to speak I got the cold tone.

I'm not mad.

Honest.

Okay, I was a little offended. But not mad.

But here's what I am thinking.

I love Jeff. I really, truly do. Probably more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. Stupid love.

But I think he is not ready for a relationship. I think he needs time to learn how to care about another person. I think he needs to figure out how to love someone back.

And I have waited for so long...I just don't know if I can wait anymore.

My biggest problem is this...when Jeff is away, I feel sad for a bit, then lonely and then I start to come back to myself. I start to feel strong.

By nature, I am actually a strong person.

I am not strong with Jeff. Somehow he takes that away. He could smile at me and suggest we eat cow shit on rye and I would try it because he just overwhelms me. I think Jeff would never even consider me to be strong because he never actually sees it.

What's worse is that when I try to figure out how my strength depletes me in his presence quicker than Delilah's haircut trick on Sampson I think that the answer is that Jeff is not strong.

He's not strong enough to love someone back. He gave me the defined laundry list he discovered last night...fear of abandonment, loss of integrity, etc, etc but the truth is that it takes great courage to love someone and I have always been able to love.

My weakness is a direct answer to his weakness. I spend too much time afraid he will cheat because he is weak. I don't confront him when I should because I worry that I will somehow offend him or scare him away. I don't stand up to him when I need to because I let him hold the illusion that he is in charge.

I am not being true to myself and I have no idea how it happens, but the moment I am in Jeff's sights it's as if I am an X-men mutant in the presence of that creepy, bald very white child they called the cure and my powers vanish.

The weird thing is that right now...I feel very strong. I feel clear. I feel unafraid and brave and ready to face anything. Even weirder, I know it will fade the moment he calls me tomorrow.

It's him who is weak. I have to learn to not let it affect me this way. I have to find a way to be true to myself.

I respect his program and his progress, but I think I am nearing a breaking point here. I'm an awesome woman and if he's not ready to love me then I think it's time to finally give up once and for all.

But....

The sad thing is this...

There's something huge there. We can talk. We can be honest with each other. When we touch, it just melts me. I honestly believe he is the one for me and I believe I am the one for him.

We're so compatable that it's almost bizarre. We fit. We meld. We function as if we are one being who was split in two.

But only I got the ability to love.

I think that if this has to end, it will truly have to be the end for me. No more moping about, wishing for changes or suffering the loss.

If I end up deciding that I have to walk away, I will do so knowing I loved him truly, deeply and fully. I gave it everything I had.

He will be the one who loses.

He could never find another me.

I will try as hard as I can to give him a little more time, but I think time is running out.

He'll be hard to get over. I still have to work with him and that means he will affect me daily - and probably break my heart all over again.

But it just might be even harder to love him.

It's hard

2008-02-08T21:31:00.001-05:00

It's hard to get back in the habit of blogging. I almost didn't blog today, but I am trying to 'journal' more and it does seem to help somehow - so here I am.

Jeff left for his father's funeral today. I took him to the airport and came home and took a nap. Anxiety is high, but I am trying to be calm. I emailed the women in my group to see if any of them would like a girl's night out tomorrow.

Jeff sortof suggested he had plans for Valentine's Day and I was surprised. I asked if I should plan a meal and he said no, he had it covered.

I'll be honest, I don't actually believe him. We'll see. Knowing Jeff he will give it about 10 minutes of thought on Wednesday night (the night before) and will find no reservations available.

After my birthday debacle, I hate to admit that I am expecting the worst.

What I REALLY want for Valentine's Day is his love. He could tell me he loved me over a McDonald's Happy Meal and make me very happy...if I believed he meant it.

I'm worried about him out of town and trying to be brave about it.

I hope the women will go out tomorrow.

I'm sure I will blog more...

For Jenni

2008-02-07T20:01:00.000-05:00

Ya know, Jenni - I'm starting to think you're not a real person. I have this theory that you are like my internet guardian angel or something. My i!angel.

Thank you for the birthday e-card. When I saw it you could have just about knocked me over with a feather. My family didn't call, Jeff forgot and it was a horrible day...and YOU remembered. Thank you.

In response to your comment - you're right. It should be said.

To be honest, recounting 8 months seems like an insurmountable task. A LOT happened. It wasn't that I wasn't writing out of happiness...

When we left off last June, I was trying to say I couldn't write my thoughts here anymore. And with good reason. Things sort of came to a head about that time and my life was so out of control that I could not bear to write about it.

I was sleeping with Jeff regularly and everytime we "hung out" it seemed to end in sex. But I was wanting more. It FELT like we were together, but I knew he was still chasing skirts all over town.

Somehow, we began the talk of "swinging". I think I encouraged it. I think that I felt that if I could control the OTHER women he saw and screwed around with...and was a part of it...that I would have control over him.

Wrong.

We posted a profile. We met a couple of other couples and once we met a woman. We never did anything, but we kept talking about it. We always had some excuse for not going through with it. The last woman we met was Anne. She was nice, but heavyset and a bit...well, just not my "type" I suppose. 1980's hair, blue eyeliner and worked in construction. I was pretty upset when she and Jeff began a secret text/phone thing. As far as I know they never met up.

I'll be honest. I did not want to "swing" but I did want to hold on to Jeff.

I kept pushing for a relationship. I tried to analyze everything. I tried to analyze Jeff. I would talk to him for hours. I asked once if I found a self-help type of book that resonated with him, would he read it and he said yes.

He said he felt "self-esteem" was the main issue. The first chance I got, I went to the local Borders and spent hours in the self-help section pouring over books.

One title "Don't Call it Love" caught my eye and I flipped through it. The title seemed ironic and I was smirking as I picked it up. But when I started to read, the smirk faded.

It was about Sex Addiction. I used to think it was a joke. But there was Jeff in black and white.

I bought it and fully expected him to throw it away.

He read it.

He saw himself in it. He was stunned, shocked, shaken and amazed. He began to read up on it. He looked for local 12 step meetings and found one. He made plans to go.

I was probably more stunned than he was.

One day I was flipping through it in his car and found a chapter on "Co-dependents of Sex Addicts".

Holy crap. It was me. It was so much me that I was stunned and very upset. All of the things I have never been able to understand about myself - and him - and us were there.

The things I did. My thoughts. My feelings. They were all there. I was never so taken aback. Jeff kept asking if I was ok and I told him that I was not. It really, really disturbed me.

We found that there were 12 step meetings for co-dependents too. I made plans to go as well.

Jeff's group meets on Mondays (or Thursdays). Mine meets Sundays. I am so happy to say we have both been going since the end of September and that we BOTH love our groups. Jeff has a sponsor and I have a room full of women who totally and completely understand me. We are working our programs.

We are finding ourselves. He is at his group as I write this...

In my group, we have small readings at the start. The one that I most identify with is this (I have highlighted the parts that REALLY strike me as being ME):

S-Anon members have much in common with the friends and family members of other addicted people. Most of us grew up in families with secrets, and we were not taught to think about our own needs and take positive action to meet them. As we grew up we felt more and more lonely and isolated as we chose friends and partners who could not or would not love and support us in a healthy way. We lived life from the standpoint of victims and perceived any personal criticism as a threat. For most of us, anger and depression were a way of life. We were so afraid of being left alone that anxiety and frustration were nearly constant. Whether or not we were exposed to sexaholism as children, most of us think that we acquired some unhealthy beliefs about ourselves very early in our lives - that we were not worthwhile and lovable, that we were able to control other people's behavior, and that sex was the most important sign of love.

What is different is that we have felt the additional shame of being involved with the sexaholism of a family member or friend. It does not matter a great deal whether that person was a member of our birth family, a partner, spouse, child, or someone outside the family like a friend, teacher, or boss. It does not matter whether we were willing, unwilling, or unknowing participants in the relationship - sexaholism deeply affected our lives. Our self-esteem dropped to lower and lower levels, and we doubted our attractiveness, our emotions, our sanity, and our human worth. We have felt betrayed by those we loved the most, and those of us who didn't know about the sexaholic behavior felt even more humiliated and stupid for not knowing. Many of us were sexually abused, exposed to sexually transmitted diseases and otherwise placed in physical danger. We were often afraid to trust others and reach out for help because we were afraid of what they would think of us or of the sexaholic.
strong
Some of us minimized the importance of the sexaholism by denying its existence or minimizing its importance. We stuffed our feelings of anger and abandonment to the point that we felt emotionally numb. We told ourselves things like "Everybody does this," "This shouldn't bother me," or even "It can't be true - he wouldn't do that." Others focused on the sexaholic and the sexual behavior to the point of obsession. We tried every known method to control it. We lied and covered up, spied at doorways, listened to private conversations, checked up on the sexaholic's whereabouts, read through journals and personal papers, begged, pleaded, and threatened. Some of us participated in sexual behavior that we did not enjoy or that made us ashamed of ourselves. Many of us tried to use sex to manipulate the sexaholic, thinking that being part of the acting out would give us a little bit more control over our lives. Most of felt that we must have done something to deserve this kind of treatment, and that happiness was for others, not for us. Some of us misused drugs, alcohol, or food to numb the pain; others used activities, such as shopping, exercising or working, to keep from feeling our emotions. We often neglected our health, our jobs and our children. No matter how we tried to struggle against it, deny it or minimize its effects, the failure of our efforts to cope with sexaholism brought us to the point of despair. This is what we mean when we say in the First Step, "our lives had become unmanageable."

Now...if you have read me - have read my past from the Odd Wife to the Trouble with Red then you must see me in this. Remember when I felt that my husband must not love me since we didn't have frequent sex? Remember my constant spying on Jeff?

Yes, this has affected me DEEPLY.

But I know it now. I love my group. I have so far to go, but I have to say that having this support system is life-changing for me.

Regarding my family...

What family???

My father told me he didn't want anything to do with me if I spoke to Jeff again.He also suggested I was an unfit mother. My sister - the perpetual "daddy's girl" saw the opportunity to rise from the troublesome younger sibling to the GREAT one by following Daddy's footsteps.

I have not seen or spoken to any member of my family in more than 6-7 months...despite the fact that every single one of them lives within 15 minutes of me - and my father lives around the corner. They made a point to ignore and avoid me on every holiday - Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday and I will never, never, never forgive them for it. Remember - I was NOT back with Jeff when they turned their backs - I was simply talking to him. I have never been a criminal or a drug or alcohol abuser. I have only been a single mom working hard to try to support me and my daughter. For them to treat me this way is beyond unforgivable.

They are dead to me. Truly dead to me. I am tempted to say that I hate them, but that seems extreme. My father and my sister used to talk about moving to Tennessee all the time and I pray every day for them to move and be gone. I never want to see them again. Ever.

In my group, I learned a LOT about how my relationship with my father is a mirror of my situation with Jeff. My dad always witheld love and affection and rained verbal abuse on me. He has always fought to control me and whenever I made a choice that he did not agree with he would verbally abuse me and often stop speaking to me. Jeff doesn't do THAT, but the elements are similar. I am happy to have my father out of my life. I feel VERY good about that decision. I can only hope he moves SOON and that I never have to even know he is dead or alive again.

In truth, I largely blame my father for my issues with men and relationships.

Moving on.

I quit the restaurant job...I actually did it terribly. I didn't show up for work because I wanted to be with Jeff instead. I thought if I was not working nights, I could see him more and he would see other women less.

Jeff and I officially became a couple on October 8th. We're taking it VERY slow and I am frustrated by it. He says he does not know if he loves me because he doesn't know what love is and until he does, he does not want to mislead me.

On business...

Well, this has been the biggest change. The business that I talked about starting with Jeff back in June? Well....hah!!!!

We incorporated in July. We did over $600,000 in sales in our first 6 months working out of my home. Today, we have almost 8000 square feet of office space, several employees and about 1/2 million dollars of inventory. We invest almost everything BACK into the company, but our bills get paid and we're doing VERY well. I am proud.

Jeff and I share a large office. We work VERY well together. We always did.

The last 8 months have been a roller coaster to say the least....

I am sure I left a million things out. We just got back from a vacation to Costa Rica, we went to Atlanta on business and I met (and fell in love with) several of his family members.

***UPDATE***: Jeff is out of his meeting and tonight's topic struck him. It all dealt with the fear of abandonment and intimacy issues and he saw himself in it. Exactly what I have been hurting over and writing about. He's going to take the time to really read it again and think about it but I am praying it will be another breakthrough.

Because I would give anything for him to tell me that he was in love with me too. I feel so strongly that I have earned it and deserve it and I know I am starving to death for lack of it.

Here's hoping.

Wednesday

2008-02-06T09:30:00.001-05:00

Jeff came over last night and it was nice.

Well, more than nice...

He hugged me and I honestly wished he could do it for hours. Days. Weeks. I have no idea what the reason is, but when he hugs me I just want to stay there forever. I have never felt that for anyone before. The smell, feel, touch - all of it just reaches me on the deepest level.

I love him.

I am in love with him.

Having said that....

I realize that doesn't mean we can or will work. I need to be loved back and if he isn't capable then I can never be happy with him. I am prepared for that. I am prepared to end our relationship for that.

Jeff and I have been together for so long that part of me is deeply disappointed that he isn't in touch with his feelings. I feel like he should know by now...

I want to be patient, but I have been patient for so long...I can not wait forever.

I hope he figures it out soon.

Me

2008-02-05T12:51:00.000-05:00

A short time after last night's "panic" attack where I worried Jeff was cheating or something, this little voice inside of me finally spoke up.

Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?

Hmm.

Jeff says he wants to be with me. He's working on himself in his program.

I'm just not happy....

I feel like he should KNOW how he feels about me by now. I feel like he should show me how he feels.

And hey, if he wants to screw around then I feel like he should do it....(and say goodbye to me).

I DON'T want to be with anyone who doesn't want to be with me.

I love Jeff. Always have. Probably always will. It doesn't me he loves me - or even if he does, that he can love me the way that I need to be loved. It doesn't mean I have to be with him.

Being in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man is not much better than being alone - it just adds more headaches.

I have some thinking to do. He does too, but that's for HIM to figure out.

At this point, I think he's losing me.

Why?

2008-02-05T12:02:00.000-05:00

I'm here because I need a place to journal. I don't know why it seems easier for me to journal here than privately....maybe because keeping the journal online keeps it off my computer directly, so-to-speak...maybe because it's familiar.

Jeff and I are back together for nearly 4 months "officially", although we began seeing one another as long ago as last May.

I'm just not happy.

For now, that's all.

I'm back....

2008-02-05T12:00:00.001-05:00

To try to catch you up on the last 6+ months would be impossible.

The yadda-yadda/short version is this: Jeff and I are back together, but taking it slow, he's in a program for sex addicts and I am in a program for co-dependents, we started a business together working out of my home and now we have a great office and a business that seems to be growing, we just got back from Costa Rica and I have zero relationship with my family.

How's that?

Whew...

Private Post #1

2007-06-19T07:28:00.000-05:00

I admit that I am confused, even if I feel like I am managing well.

There's so much going on that I haven't written and I hope under the guise of "private" blogging I can be more open with myself.

Sunday at work was a long, hellish day. Jeff texted me to ask if I wanted to "play". He found a 'couple' that wanted to 'swing' and was curious if I would do it with him. I told him I was in a horrible mood but I would meet them with him.

Truth be told, I couldn't even imagine wanting to. It's not that I wouldn't. I never have, but I am curious about it and in the right situation I might try...but this wasn't the night for it.

I met Jeff and Rachel and Pete at The Parrot. As soon as I walked in, I wanted to punch him. He was very sweet with his "Hey baby!"'s and rubbing my tired and stiff shoulders. Very showy for the couple. She was frumpy, short and heavy set and looked like a white trash version of my former sister-in-law and he was a short, stupid, wide-eyed redneck. They weren't 'ugly' but they had zero class and were nowhere near my 'type'.

We chatted over drinks and I began to surreptitiously poke fun at them...

Jeff got it and was nearly hysterical laughing but trying not to let on that he 'got it' and they were oblivious. At one point Pete mentioned he'd 'accidentally' stabbed a guy "18 times".

Me: "18 times? Accidentally???"

Pete: "Yep. Self defense"

Me: "18 times? One - oops! Two - oops! Three - oops! - - - Seriously?"

Pete: "Yep! Self defense"

Me" "You've been on 'Cops', haven't you?"

Rachel (laughing): "Naaaah! The closest we ever got to being on Cops was..."

Me: "Please don't finish that sentence...it's perfect the way it is...."

Jeff: uncontrollaby laughing

moments later - noticing a VERY haggard homeless man who kept offering us vodka from a paper bag (I swear this happened)

Rachel: Pete, he reminds me of your dad

Me: Are you serious?

Needless to say, we left.

Pete began to hit on me before we left. Telling me how beautiful I was and how perfect my chest was. I thought Jeff liked this until much later I found out that he didn't like it at all.

We went back to Jeff's place and had sexual olympics again.

I don't know how to even begin to describe our last two encounters. Wow...

Every position, multiple orgasms for us both, anal sex that rocked my world. Oral, anal, top, bottom, rough, tender, dirty talk - everything...amazing. Hours and hours....

I tried to leave several times and he kept pulling me back. He seemed to want to cuddle. Cuddling led to more sex. I kept whispering "You have to let me go". Part of me meant 'go home' and part of me meant just what I said. Release me. Let go of your hold on me.

I think on some level he heard me.

I didn't get home until almost 6 am. I was exhausted.

He called me first thing. He told me I had "many ways of making him smile" and then said he felt like we were "back together" and reminded me we weren't exclusive. I was confused as to where all of this came from. Later he explained. The idea of me sleeping with 'Pete' had pissed him off. He actually used the words "I realized I have to let you go to let you do what you want".

Ahhh. Jeff has feelings.

Jeff doesn't deal with feelings well. I know he loves me, but if that realization creeps into his head he gets squirrly on me. As he is now. He's signed up for Yahoo Personals (to replace me, I am sure)

Perfect example - here are the emails we exchanged yesterday:

From Jeff:

"You make me smile in many ways...although right now I am feeling a little rough :)

Sorry to hear you got lost, how did you do that?

Sounds like you are working every night this week so maybe we can talk about business Wed after your dinner.

Hope I made your night better :)"

I responded:

"I’m feeling rough myself.

I have no idea how I got lost. I guess I was tired and still a bit buzzed.

You did make my night better. Not so sure about my morning. Somehow, as usual, you manage to make me smile and scowl at the same time. It irritated me to realize I was second choice for company!!! LOL. A major blow to the ego!

Sorry it didn’t work out again with the couple. I still think you should think about contacting Mike and Liz for Sunday night. If you didn’t have the boys, I would suggest we look into Trapeze. I have no idea if they serve margaritas, but my guess is we could stop before we got there for them. You can check out the website after work and tell me what you think - http://www.trapezeclub.com/trapnew/home.htm. Sat & Sun are couples only nights. Thurs is meet & greet night for new and current members.

In thinking about it, I wondered if I was being “too picky”. I still think we are both upscale people and no matter how curious I am about the lifestyle – if we try this for the first time with a couple that doesn’t really send me it could also end up being the “last” time. You know? That first experience is going to be important and I think a comfort level and attraction are important. If something goes wrong that first time, I’m not sure I’d stick with it. I need to feel safe, comfortable and secure. I’m not really looking to just observe you fucking other women. You can do that without me and I’m better than that. Even with an attractive couple I may need help to relax with them. It may be that we start out by going to Trapeze ourselves and at first we may just be fooling around with each other until the right person/people come along at the right moment. I think if I am already relaxed and turned on then I’m probably going to be easier to take that leap…I know I’m comfortable with you (and you know what I can be like if I am comfortable!) so I still feel like you are an important part of the equation…

I do have standards. They apply to any man (or woman or couple). I suppose that I think highly enough of myself and I am secure enough in myself not to be quite so willing to lower them, you know"

He responded:

"I can't go on AFF during the day, why dont you see if you can contact them and set up Sun night.

I was thinking through the whole selection process and I think we are making progress on what we want. I agree that we are significantly above average on looks and brains in this segment of the population, I hope I am proven wrong at some point...lol. But seriously, I agree that the club scene may make the most sense because even if we see or speak with someone that doesn't want to be with us, we can kind of determine a type. I think I was just looking for people local to start with and even though we didnt go through with either of them, I think it gave us a great deal of insite.

As far as being second choice, I think we both know where we stand with each other.

I agree that we need to respect each other and I think we are good on that. I guess I am looking at it as does the woman have to be better looking than you and the man better looking than me for us to be willing to go to the next level and I am not convinced the answer isn't yes...lol. But time will tell, the next question will be does either of us have an issue when we get to that point, honestly I have to be careful not to be too protective of you and let you do what you want to do and I will work on that to find the balance.

Bottom line, neither of us needs to lower our standards to make something happen, if it happens it will happen when the time is right, until then we experiment and repeat last night over and over...lol"

I responded:

"You said some things today that raise issues that we need to talk about and I am glad you did.

Did something happen to get too close or to scare you last night? Was it something that I did?

I know you say that we know where we stand, but I guess I am not entirely sure that it’s true and want to make sure it doesn’t create a problem on several levels. I’m upfront about my feelings – you know I have them, I just keep them compartmentalized. I can’t be in a relationship with you or anyone – at least not right now. I have learned to never say “never”, but I don’t see any changes on the horizon. I like my life. When I am with you, I enjoy you more because of the connection but when we are apart I am fine too. On the other hand, my presumption is that you have feelings of your own and aren’t sure how to define them or what they mean. You have serious intimacy issues and you tend to punish me when you feel too close to me. My hope is that you will come to see you can have feelings and not be ‘with’ me and it’s still ok. I really hope you find a way to make it ok in your own mind so we don’t have to go through our usual love/hate cycle but my fear is that you’re already questioning those same feelings and that you’re going to give me that old familiar ‘push from a moving car’ in the near future. I only want to find balance. I like to enjoy you in and out of bed (and WOW have the last few times been MIND BLOWING!!!!!!) and I have gotten really good at putting whatever I feel into the box marked “Jeff” and shutting the lid when we part. Sometimes I feel more than other times but I always enjoy our time together without regret or worry or jealousy. I know that we have always had a connection on a deeper level than either of us has ever been able to deal with well and I just hope that if you are coping with your own fears or feelings that you will find a way to balance it without feeling like you have to push, run or hide. I have no expectations of you and I think we’re “cool”. I know I tease you and tell you that I know you love me and that’s not really respectful of me and I am sorry for that.

I think this is probably the most important talk we can have. It will avoid drama if/when we are working together, swinging or dating. I’m not really sure what you were trying to tell me on the phone earlier. Did you get the impression I thought we were exclusive? Did I somehow lead you to believe I expected more of you? You said it felt like we were back together. Can you tell me what I did that bothered you? I tried to remember if I did or said anything but I couldn’t come up with it.

You are closer to me than a stranger in a club is going to be. To whatever degree we get involved with another couple, there will be certain things I don’t do with those men. I wouldn’t let them get rough with me or anything like that. There are things between you and I that are born from trust and comfort levels and I think we’re pretty much finding these days that we’re entirely comfortable there!!! (Sorry, flashback to last night just made me dizzy…wow!!!!!!!!!)

Hey – on a lighter note, it’s a HUGE relief we didn’t have sex like this when we lived together. We would have killed each other.

I’m not sure it’s all about looks. I don’t think it’s a great challenge to find a girl prettier than me – I’ve always known that my personality is what takes me from average to above average and I am comfortable with that. When I walk into a room, people don’t stop and stare but when I spend time with them they tend to find themselves attracted to me.

Anyway – let’s clarify what we can. I don’t want to find ourselves at odds over a misunderstanding now or later.

I wish I could say all of this better. I have a feeling I am still not getting it across."

From there I went to work. The NO SLEEP was killing me and I felt like hell. I was home by 10 and exhausted. The minute I signed online, he was there...

The conversation continued in IMs:

Session Start

Mon Jun 18 21:54:45 2007

[21:54] Jeff: are you there?

[21:55] christine: Yep

[21:55] Jeff: I sent you an email...she wants to meet us...not tonight..but I think she is cute and she is solo

[21:56] christine: My night was fine, how about yours? :)

[21:56] Jeff: laundry...poker...aff....lol

[21:56] Jeff: are you ok?

[21:57] christine: I think so

[21:57] christine: I've felt better

21:57] Jeff: I went through your comments on the hot list and deleted the nos

[21:58] Jeff: me too...I am dead but I have to stay awake until my laundry is done

[21:58] christine: Give me just a minute? brb Have to walk Dutch

[21:58] Jeff: ok...check out the pic when you get a chance

[22:10] christine: Ok, back

[22:10] Jeff: folding give me a sec

[22:14] Jeff: back

[22:15] christine: I can't see her profile. Can you tell me anything?

[22:15] Jeff: she is 34 bi and lives in Miami

[22:15] Jeff: looking for a couple

[22:15] Jeff: likes to be the 3rd

[22:15] christine What does that mean?

[22:16] Jeff: what part?

[22:16] christine: The 3rd?

[22:16] Jeff: me you and her

[22:17] Jeff: I mean she likes being with couples

[22:17] Jeff: do you think she is cute?

[22:17] christine: What's she into? Is she single or married? Personality? Did she see our pics? Any more specifics on what she wants? What did you talk about so far?

[22:17] christine: She's prettier than me, that's for sure

[22:17] Jeff: she has seen our pics

[22:17] Jeff: she thinks you are hot and she thinks I am cute

[22:18] christine: Ok, let me be more specific - lol

[22:18] Jeff: told her I needed your approval

[22:18] christine: Awww

[22:18] Jeff: I think that would be the respect part of our earlier conversation

[22:19] christine: She's gorgeous. Intimidatingly gorgeous. And you talked to her already. I just need my own comfort level too so I don't end up reading a book while you are fucking the hot chick and I'm dealing with insecurities, lol

[22:19] Jeff: lol she is at sandraxxxxx(edited)

[22:19] Jeff: on yahoo

[22:20] Jeff: I told her the first thing would be to meet for a drink and see if we click

[22:20] christine: I guess I didn't realize until I saw her picture that I might be more intimidated by fmf than by couples so I'm trying to find a way to approach it and maintain that comfort level

[22:20] christine: She's definitely hot

[22:20] christine: You sure you need me for this? LOL

[22:20] christine: What all did you talk about already?

[22:20] Jeff: yes, I want to play with you and her at the same time

[22:21] christine: Does yahoo allow a 3way chat?

[22:21] Jeff: just intial talk...where we live etc

[22:21] Jeff: yes

[22:21] christine: No sex talk to get a sense for what she likes?

[22:22] Jeff: not yet...told her we blew off a couple and had a 3 hour sexathon last night and she said she wished she was there...

[22:22] christine: lol

[22:22] christine: Is she on now?

[22:22] Jeff: she hasnt answered my last post to do a 3 way chat so if she does I will let you know

[22:23] Jeff: do you have conference as a button above?

[22:24] christine: Come back to this window until she answers

22:25] Jeff: ok

[22:25] Jeff: how was work?

[22:25] christine: It was ok. Just feeling really tired and headachey

[22:25] christine: Didn't eat all day

[22:26] Jeff: I ate all day...lol

[22:26] christine: Just feel icky. Sleep will be good today

[22:26] christine: Did you meet her in chat?

[22:26] Jeff: I have to get my laundry done...1 more hour

[22:26] Jeff: yes...

[22:27] Jeff: I was asking about Trapeze and was told to check out another place

Jeff: good to know pretty people swing too

[22:49] christine: But I am apparently going to need clothes

[22:49] Jeff: when do you need an excuse for that...lol

[22:50] christineslager: You're going to have a shopping trip with me in the near future!!! If there is one thing you should have learned by now it's that the fem in the couple is the bait[22:50] christine: So you're going to want to invest yourself and your sexual fantasies in me looking very, very pretty :)

[22:50] Jeff: lol

[22:51] Jeff: I have to get my back waxed, going to Stephanie's salon for free..lol

[22:51] christine: Now?

[22:51] Jeff: no..next week

[22:51] Jeff: her salon

[22:51] christine: How's that going?

[22:52] Jeff: seems to be going good..I talked to her tonight and she isnt clingy at all

[22:52] christineslager: Maybe you were hasty in ending it

22:53] Jeff: well she is looking for the normal relationship and you know I cant do that

[22:53] christine: So what are you going to do?

[22:53] Jeff: I am doing her a favor

[22:53] Jeff: do the once a week for a few weeks..say its not working and be done

22:53] christine: lol

[22:54] Jeff: its an exit stategy

[22:54] christine: Aha...lol

[22:54] christine: When's my expiration date? lol

[22:54] christine: Such a player

[22:54] Jeff: lol...my exit stategy with you was obviously fucked up

[22:54] Jeff: I guess death

[22:55] christine: Um...

[22:55] christine: mine or yours????

[22:55] christine: lol

[22:55] Jeff: lol..tbd

[22:55] Jeff: first one to go saves a place in hell for the other

[22:55] christine: Hmmm, serious question time. Do I need to have you using condoms with me? I don't want to get sick

[22:55] Jeff: I bet there are swinger clubs in hell

[22:56] christine: I'm sure, lol

[22:56] Jeff: I have only been with you and Stephanie...and I use condoms with her

[22:56] christine: You don't even have any!

[22:56] christine: Fibber

[22:56] Jeff: I do too

[22:56] Jeff: at her house

[22:56] Jeff: we dont have sex at my house

[22:57] christine: You know, if we swing you'd have to use them ESPECIALLY there

[22:57] Jeff: I know

[22:57] Jeff: thats the down side

[22:57] christine Yep

[22:57] Jeff: getting a long term couple would be good eventually ...lol

[22:57] christine: Yep

[22:58] Jeff: the person that can invent something better will be rich quick

[22:59] christine: Ok, so before my headache knocks me out and we both fall asleep, are you ready for a brief conversation on the dark side of all of this?

[22:59] Jeff: male supplied I mean...there is more shit than you can shake a stick at for women

[22:59] Jeff: sure

[22:59] Jeff: what let me check my laundry

[22:59] Jeff: wait

[23:05] christine: Ok

[23:06] christine: I pretty much like things the way they are. Not wanting that to change. I just want to make sure I don't become just the girl to fuck. I want to keep the friendship and be able to work together too.

[23:06] christine: It's not you, I wouldn't really want that with anyone

[23:06] christine: i don't feel like it's been that way, but I want to make sure it doesn't change

[23:07] Jeff: ok..that was going to be my question...

[23:07] christineslager: What?

[23:07] Jeff: do you feel it has been that way

[23:07] christine: No

[23:07] christine: We've hung out, talked about life outside bed, seen movies and been friends first in my opinion

[23:08] Jeff: I agree and even though it seems like it we dont have to have sex everytime we see each other

[23:08] christine: if you remove our history it's pretty much exactly what I'm up for

[23:08] christine: lol

[23:08] christine: I know. I have no worries about that.

[23:08] christine: I don't feel that way. I enjoy sex with you and I don't feel like we HAVE to but it sure is nice when we do, lol!

[23:09] Jeff: lol..did we really have 3 hours of sex last night?

[23:09] christine: That's no issue with me at all. I don't feel like it's expected

[23:09] christine: Hon, we had olympic sex twice in like 4 days

[23:09] christine: We outdid most porn

[23:09] Jeff: lol

[23:09] christine: I'm thinking it was only exhaustion and time that stopped us from fucking to death

[23:09] Jeff: lol

[23:10] christine: But seriously - WOW

[23:10] christine: We got good :)

[23:10] Jeff: I fell asleep by the time you went from reverse to drive in the dirveway

[23:10] christine: Clearly I did too since I ended up in the port

[23:10] Jeff: we definately know each other better

[23:11] christine: i think we actually get along better

[23:11] Jeff: and for some reason I think ...exactly

[23:11] christine: lol

[23:11] Jeff: going back to the :"if you dont expect too much from me I wont let you down

[23:12] Jeff: 11:11

[23:12] christine: lol

[23:12] christine: I was worried when you called this morning

[23:12] christine: You sounded scared, lol

[23:12] Jeff: I was worried you ran into a ditch or something

[23:12] christine: lol, no - I mean about the "It feels like we're together again" speech you laid on me

[23:13] Jeff: oh...I think I was just realizing that I have to let go more to feel good about you being with someone else

[23:14] christine: Well, that's why i think this is a good talk to have and even better in text

[23:14] Jeff: being the selfish one...I was only thinking of me and at some point last night or this morning I started thinking about you

[23:14] christine: The connection is always going to be there - that's clear. It's ok to care about each other and not be together like couples are

[23:15] christine: In a very twisted sense there are parts of us that always seem to (i don't know) belong? to each other. that's ok. We've been clear on everything

[23:15] christine: We'll just make sure we keep friendship first, respect and talk if we start to freak out before a misunderstanding happens

[23:16] Jeff: I think I was ok with you being with a girl but the thought of you being with a guy hit me

[23:16] christine: lol

[23:16] Jeff: especially that loser last night

[23:16] christine: Well, it would be the same for me to see you with a girl, but i think if we're doing it together it's different

[23:16] christine: lol

[23:16] christine: That actually speaks to one of my deepest darkest fears about you, lol

[23:17] Jeff: I was thinking you would be ulitmately the one to approve both, but last night I realized I had an opinion on what I thought you should do

[23:17] christine: And you have that

[23:17] christine: I GIVE you that right

[23:17] christine: We do it together

[23:17] Jeff: cool[23:18] Jeff: that was the getting your approval tonight...I thought that was respectful[23:18] christine: It was, and I appreciate it. We are definitely learning this together - I learned a few things too[23:18] christine: I learned that I tend to feel insecure when you find, meet and establish a connection before me because then I feel like I'm a 3rd wheel, lol[23:18] christine: I have to find my way of dealing with that because it's not anything wrong[23:19] Jeff: I dont feel like a third wheel with Sparky and whats her name...maybe that just comes with time[23:20] christine: I think I just want to be sure I never end up the "wing man" and that you find a hot girl you want to fuck but she won't do it without me and I become just a prop[23:21] Jeff: no I won't use you that way...[23:21] christine: lol, yes you would[23:21] christine: But I'd like to believe otherwise[23:21] christine: lol[23:21] Jeff: the sex we have is too good...[23:21] christine: It is pretty fucking amazing[23:21] christine: I feel like it should be documented or something - I mean....WOW[23:22] Jeff: lol[23:22] Jeff: I feel like I am in my 20s again[23:22] christine: It's sort of like this "aha" moment of Oooooh, so THAT'S how it's done[23:22] christine: I thought sex was good before but damn....[23:22] Jeff: it is pre-marriage sex...I mean pre being 28[23:23] christine: And I have no idea why things work with you the way that they do but somehow - you fit right, I trust you, I feel secure and comfortable with you - it just all fits and makes for this great experience[23:23] christine: Maybe that's why I am trying to be so careful not to upset a pretty great balance[23:23] Jeff: thats my magic...lol[23:23] christine: No, seriously - I mean SERIOUSLY[23:23] christine: lol[23:24] christine: Even the anal sex thing - never NEVER did anything for me and somehow you turn it into this unbelievable thing[23:24] christine: To the point that I start to beg for it[23:24] christine: lol[23:24] Jeff: see...the 20 something scene was have sex like that...get bored...dump the girl...she stalks me until I am an asshole [23:24] Jeff: repeat[23:24] christine: Yes. You got the asshole thing out of the way with me upfront. lol[23:25] Jeff: I know thats the great thing...[23:25] Jeff: there is no pressure to stay faithful and no preconceptions[23:25] christine: But I feel like I said or did something to scare you last night...?[23:26] Jeff: no I think it was the realizing that I had an opinion about you being with a guy and felt like you had the right to choose on your own and then thinking that I am asking you to choose both and then thinking I should put in my opinion[23:27] Jeff: hows that for a run-on sentence[23:28] christine: That was why you brought up wanting to make sure I wasn't thinking we were exclusive or that it felt like we were together again? lol - You confused me with that. I kept trying to think of where it came from.[23:28] Jeff: make sense now[23:28] Jeff: ?[23:29] Jeff: I am out of cigarettes because somebody took 6 instead of 3[23:29] christine: I know that you actively seek out women to date. I don't do that. I don't feel any need for it. I'm not anxious to get involved with someone and I feel like if and when someone comes along - then they come along and I deal with it then. [23:29] christine: Hmph, I hope she was worth it[23:29] christine: So i don't want you to worry that just because I am not trying to find someone means I am trying to keep a hold on you[23:30] christine: i just do it differently[23:30] Jeff: I stopped doing that...Stephanie is a lingering past problem but from here on I am up front...[23:30] christine: And that's really entirely your business and I'm not trying to pry[23:30] christine: I think when I tried to analyze it all that was what I came up with - that maybe you thought that the fact that I wasn't actively dating was an issue[23:30] Jeff: but I am still looking around...it may kill me but I could have sex every night I think[23:31] christine: Condoms....[23:31] Jeff: I know..[23:31] Jeff: I have to keep it in moderation...[23:31] christine: You haven't actually had to deal with me dating anyone either. [23:32] Jeff: nope you have been out with a few people but it didnt bother me[23:32] christine: I've dated casually and not really been open to more[23:32] christine: I'm still not but if the right person came along, I'm not about to say "never"[23:33] Jeff: I told you I expect that day to come[23:33] christine: It's not on the horizon at the moment[23:34] christine: Which is all that really matters right now[23:34] Jeff: lol...carpe dium[23:34] christine: Yep[23:34] christine: diem[23:34] christine: lol[23:34] Jeff: lol[23:34] christine: When it comes, it'll be scary because I will want to find a way to NOT lose my best friend over it too[23:34] Jeff: we can sneak around...lol[23:35] christine: (eye roll)[23:35] christine: Ok, I feel good that we're good[23:35] Jeff: finding a guy that understands our relationship and is not intimidated by it will be impressive[23:35] christine: lol[23:35] christine: Um...yeah[23:35] christine: Because OF COURSE that's what you do, right?[23:35] christine: lol[23:36] Jeff: lol[23:36] Jeff: hey when the day comes I will be happy for you[23:36] christine: Gee, Linda, Beth, Kim, Sally - I really like you and I'm thrilled to be your boyfriend so I hope you don't mind my best friend is my ex-fiancee and we still fuck[23:36] christine: That's ok, right??[23:36] christine: No you won't[23:37] christine: but we'll worry about problems when problems arise[23:37] Jeff: dont date sally's[23:37] Jeff: probably not Beths either[23:37] Jeff: Kim and Linda...probably[23:37] christine: Don't need your roster.[23:37] Jeff: lol[23:38] Jeff: hey...I could go with a day of the week theme.[23:38] christine: Excuse me????[23:38] Jeff: you know someone every Monday...[23:38] christine: (sigh)[23:38] christine: Ok....[23:38] Jeff: that would narrow it to 7[23:39] christine: Back to the lesson[23:39] christine: 7, really?[23:39] christine: Wow, good luck with that.[23:39] christine: I'll miss the fun![23:39] Jeff: yes there are 7 days in a week[23:39] christine: Do you remember one of the first things I told you when we FIRST hooked up?[23:39] Jeff: sure[23:39] christine: Right, lol[23:39] Jeff: lol[23:39] christine: The day I am just another chorus girl in your stable is the day you go your own way[23:40] Jeff: no seriously I cant have sex every night...[23:40] Jeff: I am too old for that shit[23:41] Jeff: so...one revolving and our deal?[23:41] christine: I'm worth more than that in every way[23:41] christine: lol[23:41] christine: I'm not going to limit you[23:41] Jeff: lol[23:41] christine: But if you think you are assigning me a day of the week then this is done[23:41] christine: lol[23:41] Jeff: lol[23:41] Jeff: you can pick any day...lmao[23:41] christine: Have a nice life :)[23:41] christine: lol[23:42] christine: Good luck finding a new best friend who gets you and has amazing sex with you and lets you fuck other women![23:42] Jeff: I do think we need to try to keep the going out to a routine though[23:42] christine: lol[23:42] Jeff: Sunday nights are bad...lol[23:43] christine: Every night is bad this way[23:43] christine: But hey - if there was a cool movie, concert or event...? [23:44] Jeff: I am going to be working 8-5 M and F at PartsBase, Noon-8 TWT at PartsBase, 8-Noon TWT at Jet Repair Anywhere[23:44] christine: I agree that it would be easier to have a preset day we knew that we could hang out - but how would it work and then you are just assigning me a day again[23:45] Jeff: managing 1 person overseeing 50 and administering all ads for PartsBase...[23:45] christine: A weekend night is ideal, but you have the kids[23:45] Jeff: I know and now the weekday night is going to have to be Mon or Fri so she is going to be pissed but she also is bitching about money and this should help[23:46] Jeff: got the business card changed ...7174 will be Jet Repair anywhere...add a 3rd phone to your belt[23:46] christine: off subject[23:46] Jeff: lol[23:47] Jeff: I need a smoke[23:47] christine: I can always coordinate my work nights (except Tuesdays) [23:47] christine: but you don't have a regular schedule either[23:48] Jeff: I will...when there are no demonstrations for JRA I can go out because I can get a litttle more sleep[23:48] Jeff: every other weekend will be back in August[23:48] christine: What if we left it up in the air but tried to coordinate every other Saturday since Brad always has Taylor overnight?[23:49] christine: Then however busy we get, we know we can hang out then and still sleep in on a Sunday. the rest we just wing like we usually do when we need to[23:49] christine: I don't know.[23:50] Jeff: thats my only weekend night so I would like to be able to do some other things sometimes I think but thats a good start[23:51] christine: Well, then we either don't hang out at all or it goes on like this which is exhausting[23:51] christine: lol[23:51] Jeff: lol[23:52] Jeff: I have 4 days per month to go out and sleep in [23:52] christine: I don't know what to tell you[23:52] Jeff: thats crazy...I need to get the JRA going smooth and then I can sleep in 5 days[23:53] christine: Ok, before I hit bed - are we still thinking we're meeting up Weds to talk business?[23:53] Jeff: yep fo sho[23:53] christine: oy[23:53] christine: I need sleep. Have a good night, homey[23:53] Jeff: lol..peace outSession Close (Jeff): Mon Jun 18 23:53:59 2007 Session Start (christine:Jeff): Mon Jun 18 23:54:06 2007[23:54] christine: Oh....[23:54] christine: btw[23:54] christine: (Link: http://www.swingersdateclub.com)www.swingersdateclub.com/ - we may want to check it out[23:54] christine: Like AFF but swingers only[23:54] christine: I hate that term, btw[23:54] Jeff: what is aff[23:54] christine: ???[23:54] Jeff: I thought it was swingers[23:55] christine: It's everything.[23:55] christine: SDC looks free[23:55] christine: Havent' looked too much yet[23:55] christine: It was linked to Miami Velvet[23:55] Jeff: I am sure they charge [23:55] Jeff: ok you want me to sign up[23:55] christine: Not yet, let me explore it[23:55] Jeff: I think there is a discount to Miami Velvet if you are a member[23:57] Jeff: hey are we full swap same room or full swap completely open...lol[23:57] christine: What do you think?[23:57] Jeff: I think same room at least at first[23:57] christine: hmmmm, hang on[23:58] Jeff: although I know you are a big girl and can take care of yourself so it doesnt matter[23:58] christine: That's a 180 from our talk earlier - be consistent[23:58] Jeff: and based on the options its the same as aff[23:59] Jeff: no once we have gotten to that point you have to make your own decisions on what you want to do...I can voice my opinion on the choice but the actions are your decision[00:00] christine: I'm going to start naming your mulitple personalities[00:00] Jeff: lol[00:00] Jeff: full swap is different from group or FMF[00:00] christine: I know[00:00] christine: I'm not sure about group[00:01] Jeff: that is your fantasy...MFFM[00:01] christine: That's full swap[00:01] Jeff: thats group[00:01] Jeff: full swap is one on one with the others partner[00:01] christine: No, group is FMMFMFMFMFMMFMFMFM[00:01] Jeff: lol[00:01] christine: full swap means FMFM - two couples[00:02] Jeff: or am I completely off the mark[00:02] christine: Yep[00:02] christine: I think full swap appeals because we both have each other with another person so it distributes the pressure, lol[00:02] Jeff: lol[00:02] christine: It could be FMF at one point, FF at another[00:02] christine: Just not MM[00:02] Jeff: ABSOLUTELY[00:03] christine: lol[00:03] christine: MFM[00:03] Jeff: eh[00:03] christine: It's a feel your way thing, I think[00:03] Jeff: never done the MFM thing[00:03] christine: MFM might be you fucking the F with her sucking the M[00:03] christine: While another F is there[00:03] Jeff: of course never done full swap either[00:03] christine: We won't LOOK for a single man, I mean[00:04] christine: He has to be part of a couple[00:04] Jeff: ok...thats cool...would you like that?[00:04] christine: lol[00:04] christine: Um....[00:05] christine: remember when I showed you my 'favorite' thing was using my vibrator while going down on you?[00:05] Jeff: lol...ok got it[00:05] christine: lol[00:05] christine: But it's strictly a feel our way thing, i think[00:05] christine: We'll figure it out[00:05] Jeff: fun learning...[00:05] christine: We'll just go slow. Neither of us wants to fuck it up and end it[00:06] Jeff: true[00:06] Jeff: but there is no shortage of supply...damn[00:06] christine: We'll just tread lightly and carefully. If you start to get carried away, remind yourself that you'll have a fine time replacing me in this scenario[00:06] Jeff: that is another thing I think I am surprised about...and making me feel like we can be more selective

[00:07] christine: So, when I sign on - say "Hi! How are you?" before you say "I found a girl I want to fuck, did you see her???"

[00:07] christine: lol

[00:07] Jeff: glad we are learning on the ugly people though

[00:07] Jeff: lol

[00:08] christine: I signed up for a user name, they email the pw - hasn't arrived yet. User name will be playtime4us no idea about pw[00:08] Jeff: I think its another aff

[00:08] christine: We'll see

[00:08] christine: Just keep cool about it. Let's make sure we do this right

[00:09] christine: Because it would suck if we botch it and can't do it

[00:09] Jeff: I will, I think tonights girl was better than the last 2

[00:09] Jeff: lol

[00:09] christine: Part of the swinger club rules emphasize reassuring your partner and respecting them

[00:09] christine: Watch that one, lol

[00:10] Jeff: lol...reassuring or respecting

[00:10] christine: BOTH

[00:10] Jeff: got the respect thing down I think..the reassuring thing I suck at

[00:10] christine: The day you make me feel like bait will be a bad day for us both

[00:11] Jeff: ok..not great at the respect thing but I am trying

[00:11] christine: You've done ok so far, just be careful

[00:11] Jeff: When I am talking to women for us I make sure they want you as much or more than me

[00:12] Jeff: if she is just looking for m then I dont include you...whether you want to know about it is up to you[

00:12] christine: That's a GREAT start

[00:13] christine: Almost

[00:13] christine: lol

[00:13] christine: Ok - enough. I don't care how good we fuck, I am going to sleep now

[00:13] christine: lol

[00:13] Jeff: lol.good night

It was bound to happen

2007-06-18T15:42:00.000-05:00

I've reached a point in my life where I feel secure enough in my thoughts and emotions to take this blog private for awhile.

I know some commenters will think I am hiding, but I am not. I promise. I've heard you all and I know the things you say have truth in them. Even without the entire story (just my side) you do strike chords.

It isn't that I am afraid of who reads or being judged either. I just feel like there are things happening in my life that I need to be able to blog freely about without hesitation.

I will go public again, but while I go through this - I need my time to "think aloud" alone.

I hope you understand. By tomorrow I will go private for a bit. One day when I go public again, you'll have lots of catching up to do since I plan to continue to blog here even privately.

TGIM

2007-06-18T10:26:00.000-05:00

Thank God it's Monday.

Bet you never hear that one.

After a hellacious weekend, it ended on a good note and I'm relieved Monday is here.

I saw Jeff for a bit. We met up with another couple for drinks. Jeff was great and as usual, it ended in amazing sex. We seem to be far more open with each other and exploring new things together and in bed it's been nothing short of mind-blowing sex for many hours at a time, leaving us both dazed and limp after.

He did cross the line though.

He seemed to not want to let me go. He seemed to want me to stay, to sleep beside him, to lay in his arms. I think it afected him because I got the call this morning (just now) about boundaries and feelings.

I pointed out that I felt I was doing a great job of keeping him compartmentalized and that the problem may be on HIS end and he agreed. He admitted that he wants to see other people but hinted that he was worried about how he would feel about me being with another man.

We plan to talk more in email. We're both at work and he talks better in text just the same.

So for the time being, I can focus on the sex.

WOW....

I know I bitched about Jeff not being Superman in the sack when we split - and it actually was true, but lately....

Holy crap....

Short of introducing other people into bed, we've done it all and it's gone really, really well. There are things he can physically do to me and with me that I never enjoyed with other people and with him it's fantastic. Things I didn't even know that I liked. We have relaxed enough to talk dirty, to role-play a bit. Sometimes he dominates, sometimes I do. No matter what we try lately, it works too well.

So...of course, he is scared.

And he should be. I can openly admit that I will always love him but can never be with him in an exclusive relationship but he lost the best he's ever going to find when he lost me and I think he's beginning to realize it.

Hence him initiating feelings talks.

I have no pity for him in this area. Jeff never really had a heart to break. If he somehow gets hurt in this process he can deal with it the same way that I had to. Get strong, survive and move on.

I can be with him, love him and enjoy him and still go home and turn it off. It took getting my heart shattered to be able to do it.

There's a small part of me that wouldn't be sorry if he had to go through it too. An eye for an eye.

Drama Queen in Dramaville

2007-06-16T15:04:00.000-05:00

So....I went to the party last night

BIG mistake.

The party was thrown by a couple girls we call the "little sisters" because they're younger than we are. We adore them, but let's face it - we know what young girls are like.

Every imaginable scenario of drama unfolded at this party. There were at one point 7 separate circles of screaming matches going on. I was not directly involved in any of them but my friend Jess had a co-starring role in one of them so I was "lumped in". At one point, one of the "little sisters", Kayla, started screaming at me that I "told too much truth" and needed to stop. I kept my cool but I am angry at her.

I text messaged Jeff saying "I kinda wish you were here" and this morning he texted me back about 20 times while I tried to sleep. He asked me to ditch work and go to a concert with him and his kids but I can't make it. I have to work. 3 people already called in and my calling in would go badly.

I think Jeff's displaying a more serious attachment to me with each passing day. I still admit that I love him, but I have no idea where he's going with this. I don't see how we could ever be more than we are right now.

I'm irritated and tired and NOT looking forward to working tonight because more drama is sure to unfold but I guess it's time to head there and face it all.

But I do wish I was with Jeff instead.

TGIF

2007-06-15T08:51:00.000-05:00

Jeff was exhausted after work last night and took a nap while I spent time with Taylor. He asked me to call him when she went to bed, but I ended up falling asleep myself. When I called him, we agreed talk another night.

Of course, he then text messaged me at 4:30 am to see if I was awake (knowing I have trouble sleeping) and then called me when I responded that I was. We talked until 5:30 am.

It looks like we're going into business together. There's too much money to be made not to. I told him upfront that I didn't trust him not to cast me aside as a business partner, thus I insisted on being an equity partner. I planned to ask for 20%. He offered 50%.

I will be Vice President and Treasuror of our company. He will be President and Secretary. We plan to incorporate next week.

I have to work tonight but after work there's a party I am supposed to attend...a party where my young line cook will be coming to see me. I really hope it's fun. I really hope the flirtation heats up a bit more.

I love Jeff. I always will. I wish with all of my heart that we could just be together and in love for the rest of our lives. I still believe he is "the one". But...I also know better...

I know we can't be together. I know he can't love me the way I need to be loved. I know that as a couple, we just don't work. Or didn't.

But I do love him.

Still, some of the things he's said have made me think. He talks about how one day I will move on and find someone. He says it in this sort of strange way...almost like he wants to mean it, but really hopes I will respond with "no, I won't" or something. Based on his frequency of communication these days, I think it's pretty clear that Jeff has strong feelings for me too.

So, I can't help but wonder how he will feel when I do find someone that I decide to be with. Granted I don't feel like I want that now, but it can always sneak up on you.

How will Jeff cope when I am too busy to be there for him? When I am smiling because another man has made me smile? When I can't see him because the man in my life wouldn't like it?

I don't think he will cope well, to be honest. He's never really "lost" me so he has no idea...he's always known I love him and I've always been there. But the way our lives are set up, it is a fair bet I won't always be there.

I know I am a great girl. I am reasonably attractive, fun, smart and dynamite in bed (others words, not mine) - I would be a great catch and someday, someone will come along that makes me happy and I will fall for them.

I don't think I will ever love someone with the intensity and strength that I feel for Jeff, but being able to be with them will make up for that. It will be enough.

And how will Jeff react?

Ironically, I found myself watching the old movie Xanadu and heard a song that made me think I know...

Don't Walk Away

Why do I say
Don't walk away?
You'll be the way you were before
When you don't want me anymore...

Don't turn around...
Don't ever leave...
A lonely room where empty days
Are gathering to meet me when you're gone, gone

How in the world will I go on?

(Don't walk away)
All you gotta do is stay
(Don't walk away)
All you gotta do is stay
(Don't walk away)

Don't walk away
Don't say goodbye (don't say goodbye)
Don't turn around (don't turn around)
Don't let it die (don't let it die)
When shadows fall (when shadows fall)
When day is done (when day is done)
All through the night (all through the night)
All of my life (all of my life)
Don't walk away

Is it a dream,
When will it end
When everything we've ever known
Has ended and I'm all alone
Where will I go
Where will I be
The feelings that I've never shown
Maybe I'll find the answer when you're gone, gone
How in the world will I go on?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It makes me sad because part of me knows that he needs me. He shows me that in every way without saying it. I know that he loves me even if he doesn't know it. I think that if the day actually comes when I get involved with someone else and can't be there for him anymore - I think he will finally feel the pain he's managed to elude for so long.

I do wish we could just be together. But it would take a damned miracle and he's not capable of producing them.

So I do give him all I can for right now - but I also see other people and I keep my eyes open for new "friends". Tonight is a perfect example. For all I know things might get heated up and sexy with Chris. For all I know, there's an amazing guy just around the corner who's going to knock me off of my feet.

And the ability to be with me will more than make up for the fact that the love isn't as intense or as deep for me.

And Jeff finally will be alone. Because I can still be a business partner and keep it professional. I've worked my entire life with friends and family and I know how to separate the two VERY well.

What would it be like to have an office where we exist as partners, but he watches me race for the door all excited about seeing a new man that night? When he sees me go off to lunch with someone who makes my eyes sparkle?

Someday it will happen. And no matter how much I feel sad - bittersweet - for it or how much I worry - it will happen.

Embraced

2007-06-14T10:24:00.000-05:00

If there was one word I could think of to describe how I feel these days it would be "embraced".

I have embraced my life.

I have friends, I have flirtations, I have a lover and I have my freedom. I have no one but myself to answer to.

I'm beginning to really like it.

Jess and I have become very close friends. We are on the phone 500 times a day, including many 4 am calls. My co-workers have begun calling us "the wives" because we appear to be practically married. We embrace the joking and have nicknamed each other "wifey".

Jeff and I are doing well. He remains in almost constant contact with me. I kidded him last night about how ironic it is that we're closer now and work better now than we did as a committed couple. He broke up with the other girl he was seeing last night and came straight to my place - but I encourage him to see other people and have made sure he knows that I intend to. We had a semi-serious IM conversation yesterday where he suggested that we were on the same page about not wanting a relationship but that one day when I was ready I would move on. I told him that it wasn't about being "ready" - I genuinely like my freedom and don't want to date.

He wrote back "If I did that to you, I'm sorry"

I told him not to be sorry for me. Be sorry for the men I won't settle down with.

It's true that I have changed a lot since we split. More and more every day. I no longer fear what people think of me - I am proud to live my life my way. I have only my own expectations to meet. I'm not worried about pleasing anyone - I just want to have fun, be a good mom and keep my life running smoothly. I feel sexually liberated and love the idea that I can explore myself and my life without the confines of relationships.

Jess and I seem to have parallel situations with our exes these days. She is desperately trying to get back together with her ex while I see Jeff. The difference being that she is chasing a goal of reuniting and I feel like I have already gotten all I want from Jeff. I want nothing more than what I already have. I don't want anything more than the communication we have now, the occasional hanging out and the sexual olympics we tend to resort to. This is the pinnacle of him and I.

Oddly, Jeff and I really are closer than ever before. Under the friends umbrella, we can talk more openly and it has made for some incredible sex. We're more relaxed together and without the expectations and relationship rules we seem to actually be far more compatable. He's still very protective of me but it's actually nicer like this.

I'm off to work tonight after a brief day off...and I really wish I could stay home and sleep instead.

And hey - who says that wishes don't come true? I just checked and apparently I am OFF tonight. My mistake! I am so totally shunning my social life and sleeping!!!!! I saw Jeff Sunday, Monday and Wednesday and I saw my girlfriend Jess Tuesday and last night - so I am very much due for a night off. Tomorrow night I am invited to a party (Taylor will be with Brad) and Chris - the sexy 22 year old cook at work is planning to attend. I am hopeful I can bring it up a notch with him. The flirting was so heavy Monday night that at the end of the night my manager yelled at us both "Just fuck and get it over with!" I was mortified and amused all in one. He was waiting for me to get off to hang out for a few minutes. I think he was going to suggest something but lost his nerve.

Suffice it to say - my life is full. I wouldn't mind more money, but I am content that I have everything else I need. I have tons of attention - which I always crave - from everyone from Jeff to my friends to strangers.

I am most definitely NOT lonely. I am, however, quite tired.

It's a big change.

Even my mother tried to call me yesterday. Since she hasn't called me in months or returned my calls, I ignored the call and I have no intention of calling back. She abandoned me and she can deal with it because I am over it. When I needed her, she was nowhere to be found. As far as I am concerned, I am an orphan.

***Updated: I guess Jeff's coming over later tonight after all. I mentioned how glad I was to be off and he said he'd like to come over but doubted he could perform like he did last night. I told him I wasn't even going to suggest it and that I planned to spend my night with a home cooked meal and a movie. He replied that he'd be there. ??? I have to admit to being surprised at the amount of time he seems inclined to spend with me these days...I don't think he wanted to be with me this much when we were a couple...

I do enjoy our time together. It's not all sex or cuddling or hand holding - we're like two friends most of the time. We have the freedom now to talk about anything we want to. We really don't even kiss unless we're about to have sex or a quick kiss goodnight.

I won't lie. I still love him but I actually do like this better. I told him I even like him better this way because all of the bullshit is out of the way.

That Hesitant Smile

2007-06-11T14:43:00.000-05:00

I'm smiling today.

Listen, I know...

I know I've been ripped apart and destroyed. I know I deserve better than Jeff. I know everyone is wanting to slap some common sense into my head.

We broke up over 7 months ago. You know I have not healed. I've gotten stronger in some ways. more mature in others and I have changed as a person - but I have never been able to stop loving him.

You know I have wanted to. You know I have been filled with rage and fury and deep depressions.

I blog my feelings here so it's easy to view me as this trainwreck of a person. But I don't blog about how I wipe away the tears I've cried when no one can see me and plaster a smile on my face and hold myself together. I'm a good mom, a good person, a good employee and a good friend. But when I am alone and free to confront how I feel - I've cried oceans.

I hate knowing that this blog reads like I am such a mess. Inside, I know it's true but I also know that none of you see me sit and play with my daughter, comfort a friend, clean my house or roll up my sleeves and work hard.

I've shared a lot of secrets here. Particularly about Jeff. But I can honestly and truly say that besides disappointing me or breaking my heart (again) - Jeff is not a threat to me. On the contrary, he's actually EXTREMELY protective over me. He reserves the right to tease me and fight with me as much as he needs to, but if someone else upsets me or laughs AT me, he hates it.

Last night I did something stupid. We bought advance tickets to a movie before dinner and I threw them in the ashtray and one ticket slipped behind the ashtray and into the dashboard of the truck. It would have taken a mechanic to dismantle the dash to retrieve it. Jeff was beside himself laughing at me and calling me a dumbass playfully but when I told my story to the girl at the ticket counter and she laughed, he was instantly protective and didn't want them to laugh at me.

He would never let harm come to me. He would never harm me - beyond emotionally, of course. If I were in mortal danger, he would be there. If someone else hurt me, he'd be ready to defend.

I'm smiling today because I am realizing that there is more here. We spend time together and it varies from casual dinners or movies or dancing or just 'hanging out' but I have worked to keep my emotions hidden. He knows that I love him but he also knows I don't want to live with him and I don't want to be in a relationship with him.

I have wondered if he feels anything for me or if he uses me. I think I am beginning to see that he has feelings of his own that he hides too. It's in the way he calls me to see how I am. In the way he works to make sure he can see me. In the way he lets small things slip - a song that makes him think of me that he tells me about, claiming my butterfly tattoo as his and when I protest he insists on it - it's in the way he wants to work with me in a business.

There are many nights I whisper I love you before I fall asleep alone. He can't hear it, but I need to say it.

In our committed relationship, I was a nervous wreck. I couldn't trust him, I was always afraid he'd cheat or not love me enough.

In this aspect of our relationship I am content to let him come to me. I am not insecure or afraid. Each time he calls me, emails, IMs or texts it's because he wants to and not because he has to.

The best of what he can offer to anyone, I have. It might not be enough for most, but for me it's making me smile. I love him. I don't know what he feels for me, but I know he feels something.

And for right now, it's enough.

Sure, I wish it could be different - but it can't. I have no idea what the future holds...if this will endure or if I will eventually move on and fall in love with someone else.

It's not an ideal situation. It's a dangerous line to walk.

But I love him and I am a hopeless romantic at heart. I've fought like a hellcat for love in the past and I've never been able to accept the concept of giving up on love.

So, here I am. Changed, sure. I have an inability to let people close to me and I have a million defense mechanisms...but the one man who can get around them all and still make my pulse race is still in my heart.

I once promised him that I would love him forever. I promised him for better or worse. I promised him my heart and soul and I suppose it's ironic that this is the promise I keep in my life - but somehow it seems to be.

I do manage to keep him separate from the rest of my life. Taylor and he NEVER cross paths and I NEVER spend time with him when I could be with her instead. I am with him when Taylor is with her dad or when she is elsewhere. If I have him over, it's long after she's in bed (and she never wakes up in the middle of the night).

I work hard to maintain and still indulge. Don't crucify me for it. I work hard, I don't do drugs, I am responsible and goal oriented and if my flaw is that I love a man who doesn't deserve my love, then I could do worse.

I deserve to smile. If it's him that helps make me smile - I'm willing to let him try.

The Weekend Ends

2007-06-11T07:54:00.000-05:00

Monday finds me once again. I can hardly complain - these days all of the days of the week just seem to blur together.

Friday night was "girls night" for Taylor and I. We cooked, watched movies and just relaxed together. Saturday had me bid her adieu as she set off for her weekend with Brad. I spent Saturday pretty much working. After work, I went to a local Country-Western bar called Round-Up with friends from work and had a blast.

In attendance was Jess, John, Amanda and Sara.

Jess is my closest friend. She's 22, but very mature and somehow we just click. We've become inseperable and barely an hour passes that we aren't on the phone or texting each other. At work, they've begun to kid us about it. "Where's your wife?" "Getting serious, huh?" Jess is the best friend I have had in a long time and I'm really thrilled to have her.

John is great. Months ago I used to post about flirting with him at work. He's older than I am. We've been growing a great friendship too. Jess and I drag him out often as our asexual male. We force him to dance with us. At work, John is always there to tease or inspire me.

Sara is Jess's best friend and another co-worker of ours. Sara and I get along well, but I sometimes feel like "the other woman". LOL.

Amanda is still another co-worker that I enjoy.

The Cop that I went on a date with was working detail at the nightclub that night and we chatted for a bit. He kept his eye on me when I slow danced and two-stepped with John. He seemed annoyed, but John is JUST a friend..

Before I arrived, Jeff text messaged me and I got the idea he wanted to hang out, but I stayed true to my friends and managed to not blow them off. I'm pretty sure that would have been punishable by death with them.

Sunday was the best. I was off. Taylor and Brad had all day plans, so I found myself alone. I slept in, grocery shopped, cleaned my house from top to bottom and then went off to my plans with Jeff. Jeff and I went to dinner and a movie before settling in to watch The Sopranos finale (NOT even going to comment on that suck-ass ending).

Our time together was fun. It's funny that we spend most of it as friends with no hand-holding or anything. It seems like we both make it a point to remain casual but I feel like there is this imagined anxiety over it. Later, it's easier to curl up to watch TV or to snuggle up. It seems natural and easy (though we all know it's not).

I had a really long talk with Jess VERY late last night and I found myself crying. Not necessarily in sadness but in frustration. I'm trapped and probably always will be in a mutually co-dependent relationship. Jess observed that I don't let other men get too close to me and felt that it was because I am too invested in Jeff. She's right.

Jeff seems different with me these days. He calls me, texts, IMs, emails and more. He's always ready to see me and I find myself surprised at how often I do end up talking to him. He seems more appreciative of me these days.

The trouble is that I still can not imagine a life that does not include him. And that I still feel like I must ALWAYS be available to him to keep him "alive". I know how depressed he can get and his suicide talk is a constant. I am deeply afraid that if I am not there for him at some point, he would do it. Neither of us lets the other go.

After Jeff left last night, I sent him an email. He seemed tense and I asked him about it. In a numbered email I spelled out my midde of the night thoughts. (1) Was he okay? (2) Bitching about the Sopranos again (3) He forgot something here (4) A reminder to stay focused at work and (5) - here, I simply wrote "#5 can go unsaid". What I meant was "I love you".

I do love him. I'm sorry that I do, but it's still the truth. I'm sorry to you, I'm sorry to my friends who have to deal with me alternating between happy and sad, I'm sorry to my family who can't bear to hear his name because they feel like he betrayed them too, I'm sorry to the world but I do love him. Mostly I am sorry to me and to him. Sorry because loving him is difficult and painful. Sorry because it's a love that can never be given freely. If there was ever a doubt about choosing who you can love, I can assure you that it's possible to be in love with a mortal enemy. I can choose NOT to try to be "together" and I can choose how to deal with this love, but loving him is not a choice. It never has been, you only ever have to read my blog to see I was madly in love with him all along.

He wrote me back this morning, answering to each point. In #5 he wrote "Ditto". I wondered if he meant that he feels it too or something else. I suspect he feels it too but I doubt we'll ever have the luxury of discussing or acknowledging it. We both work hard to limit our interaction.

There's a long week ahead and I never know just where it will take me.

The Girl Feels Strange

2007-06-08T09:33:00.000-05:00

I could tell you what happened last night...

But you would not believe me. You really wouldn't.

Of course, I could tell you that Jeff called me and asked me to go with him to meet a bisexual woman that wanted to play. I could tell you that she was attracted to me...I could tell you that she spent about an hour massaging my sore neck with my shirt off.

I could also tell you I played cards until 4 am using Centrum Silver vitamins to bet with.

Would you wonder which was true?

I still see and speak to Jeff. In fact, to be honest it seems to be increasing. I keep my time with him STRICTLY separate from my life as a single mother. I do not speak to him in front of my daughter. I do not spend time with him in her presence. I completely and 100% agree with EVERY concern that ANY person has about my daughter bearing witness to any dealings with Jeff and I share them. As a rule, neither Jeff nor myself ever puts our children into our time together and both of us keep the children as a priority.

There are some who seem to think I blog more about Jeff than my daughter. I love my time with Taylor but writing in my blog diary about a night spent eating Chinese take-out and giggling together over a Simpsons marathon isn't really required. There is rarely any drama with her and I. To me, to her and to everyone who sees us together - we really are very much the "Gilmore Girls".

But I do have a life outside the mommy box. Social things I do when she is not with me. I keep her carefully unaware of them.

Having said that, I see no reason not to continue to freely blog about the other parts of my life here. Further, I won't be playing the endless game of defending myself in comments to people who have a very small idea of what my life is like because I wouldn't have any time for anything else if I did. You're just going to have to take me at my word when I tell you that Taylor and Jeff NEVER cross paths and NEVER will and that I NEVER sacrifice time with her to be with him. It's fact. Take it or leave it. If you can't believe that, then this entire blog should be a work of fiction to you and bitching about your feelings on my choices and decisions is a waste of time.

So, back to that.

A few drinks inspired a conversation that might not otherwise have been had. I've veered wildly over the past 2 years in my feelings for Jeff but I think that we would have to agree that in all honesty - I have never been anything but madly in love with him. I don't know why. I don't know what it is. I don't know how it fits into a normal world, but I do have some basic understandings that he seems to agree with.

Jeff and I are soul mates. I still do and always have believed this. We can talk like best friends, we can share everything. What we can NOT do is be together in a normal committed relationship. Jeff can not be faithful. Expecting him to is unrealistic for any woman.

When Jeff and I were a couple, you only have to read my past to see I was the most insecure girlfriend in the world. I spent my energy obsessing about whether he would cheat, if he loved me, if I would lose him and more. Strangely - with that tension removed, I am more secure than ever with him. He can see a million women, I know I am the alpha female. I know he spends his time with me by choice and not obligation - so I stop worrying about how he feels. he does not need to tell me how he feels about me because I feel it in his friendship, his kiss, his desire to see me or talk to me. He wants to start a new business and wants me to be a part of it - so even there, I feel the things I used to lack - I feel desired, wanted, needed and appreciated.

Why? Because the "obligation" has been eliminated. He does not HAVE to ever be near me or speak to me. Each time he does - it's a freely made choice.

I told him I don't care about other women. I see other men. Both are true. Women come and go in Jeff's life. The ones that last for more than a few days end up being lied to and eventually they disappear. I am thus far, the only constant.

Jeff used to crave acceptance. He knows he comes with many personality disorders and flaws and never expected anyone to accept him and love him. That I do is something he seems to cherish. I think it's why he comes back again and again.

We'll never be "a couple". We will never marry or live together or pick out china. We may be lovers, friends, business partners - we may be more undefinable things - but whatever we are or will be is mysterious to us both.

We don't discuss feelings. We don't make promises. Beyond that, we have an ability to share every other thought because there are no defined boundaries.

I don't know what we are - I just know that somehow, we're together from time to time and I know that it makes me happy from time to time.

I haven't been able to stop loving him so far...

Silly Girl

2007-06-04T15:46:00.000-05:00

If you walk the tightrope long enough, you're bound to fall at some point. If you're very lucky, you have a net.

I think I fell. I'm lying here motionless, afraid to move - afraid to find out whats been broken this time. I know I hurt, I'm just afraid to stop long enough to ask myself how badly and whether or not I can get back on the rope or if I need to call it quits.

More on that later.

My drama level went to red last night and was at a shockingly high level that even I was amazed by. the fact that I survived is astonishing.

I was almost off work. Brad was at my house, dropping Taylor off and hanging out. Chris was flirting with me again. Jeff was on his way to my house to have dinner with me. Steve - the husband of my FORMER best friend Mindy showed up at my work (after no communication for over a year) and said he had left his wife and needed a place to sleep. Now, take into account this - all 3 men don't like each other. Jeff and Steve hate each other. Brad and Jeff hate each other. Steve and Brad get on okay, but Brad spends a lot of time with Steve's wife Mindy.

Oy...wow.

More on how I managed this night later. I spent a whole day sulking and now I have to get ready for work. Suffice it to say I got almost no sleep, but did manage to pacify everyone.

Except maybe myself.

Myself, I find myself falling off that tightrope.

Knocked Up

2007-06-02T10:41:00.000-05:00

I saw Knocked Up with my friends last night and it made me more physically ill than a slasher flick.

Because....fuck.

If Katherine Heigl (the stunningly beautiful blonde from Grey's Anatomy) can fall that far than there's no hope.

Katherine plays Allison. A gorgeous E! employee promoted to on-camera talent. To celebrate her promotion, she goes out with her sister, Debbie (who I adored) and immediately picks up the ugliest guy in the place. She spends the night dancing with him, drinking and then invites him home to have sex with him.

He's overweight, hairy, sloppy, stupid and - well....gross.

Of course she turns up pregnant - but what baffled the hell out of me was her decision to try to make it work with this guy. He has NO job. NO money. Spends every minute of the day with his loser friends getting VERY high. He has NO ambition, NO social charms, NO hygiene - he has nothing....

At 8 months pregnant, in a MAJOR earthquake - he abandons her as he runs out the door with his bong leaving her to stumble behind him stupidly.

There is humor, but it's all the tasteless kind. Basically, I spent the entire length of the movie with a "What the fuck?!" look on my face and feeling queasy.

I've heard of dating down, but this is more than down. This is dating outside your species.

And if this is what's out there for a single girl - - - I swear I'm turning lesbian.

Maybe Katherine Heigl's free.

Drama Queen in Wonderland

2007-06-01T22:05:00.000-05:00

Jeff was understanding about my email. I wonder if I wasn't a little disappointed in that.

My girl gathering last night was a lot of fun. We chatted and ate crap and drank and laughed. After the rest left, Jess hung out and we watched a movie together.

Jeff texted to make sure I was ok and left instructions for the girls to "take care of me".

I'm perplexed by this new game.

I know he's seeing someone, but he calls me often to talk. He emails me. Tonight he emailed me a picture of a cartoon woman cutting off a man's head that he titled "Christine in the Future".

He made plans to spend his 40th birthday with me next year. Well, technically the day after. He always says he never thinks he will live past 40, so I told him I'd rather see him the day after. The man who refuses to make plans with any girl more than a few days in advance is planning 419 days ahead with me.

He's more attentive now. He seems to really get into talking to me. He's always IMing or emailing or calling and he sounds happy to talk to me. He asks to see me sometimes (less since my email). He's...what???

In a very weird way, we're as close again as we were when we were together. Only with a pseudo-girlfriend in the mix and living apart and not sharing "I love yous"

The weird thing is - NOW I feel loved by him. Like letting him go is keeping him around.

I have no idea. I'm still keeping a distance between us.

When Jess and I commiserate, I feel just a bit sad. Jeff's a dead end for me. There is no future there. Still...he's there.

He keeps joking about us getting matching tattoos Emperor and Empress Evil, he calls us. He's...bonding.

It's very weird.

It makes me want a distraction more than ever.

I'm catching a late movie with the girls tonight. I work the rest of the weekend. I was also invited to hang out Sunday night.

I just need a sexy man to distract me. I'm watching my step. Maybe that's the game. Maybe he wants to see if he can make me fall in love again.

He'd be wrong. I may play, but I know this game...

Beep Beep Beep

2007-05-31T08:38:00.001-05:00

That sound you hear is me backing up...

A text message, IM, email and phone call all received from Jeff got me to spend time with him last night. It was fun but today it has me thinking...

Time to back up. Back off. Slow down.

Having seen him now 3 times in the span of 1 week is too much. Too close.

While it's not that I don't want to see him, it IS that I need to slow that down. That's too much like dating for me without the love.

I was talking to my friend Jess who has a somewhat similar situation in her life and told her that I envied her. The difference with her is that she is trying to get back together. She has hope for a future. There is no hope for a future here.

3 times in 1 week isn't fun and games. It's not even an occasional distraction. It's an invasion.

I will say that all 3 times was Jeff's initiating the fun and that's unusual so it's probably why I was so willing to play - but it's just too much togetherness for me.

So...backing off.

Tonight is my Boyz-R-Stoopid party. (Yes, us girls know we can be stoopid too...) A lot of women feeling like I feel in varying situations coming together for a little group release. Jeff swears he is crashing the party and I repeatedly warned him that I refuse to be responsible for his safety if he tries.

Tonight should be a bit therapeutic. My circle of friends and I all helping each other through our dramas with laughter, comfort foods, chick flicks and gossip.

I'm on Jeff-hiatus for the time being. 3 times is just crossing a line from fun and friendly to ... I don't know what...

And how do I move on and find new toys (I mean boys!) if all my free time is spent with Jeff?

Yep. Hiatus. Starts now.

And Again

2007-05-31T02:34:00.000-05:00

After an 'ok' night at work, Jeff texted me and emailed me and wanted to hang out. By the time he called I figured out he REALLY wanted to hang out, so hang out we did.

It was fun.

And of course, there was sex.

Probably a perfect prelude to my Boyz R Stoopid party...

Bedtime...

Boyz R Stoopid

2007-05-30T08:30:00.001-05:00

Taylor has a slumber party to attend this Thursday night to celebrate graduation and with an empty house in my hands - what else to do but host a social gathering?

Since I'm usually nothing if not unique, I am calling to order a Boyz R Stoopid party for the "walking wounded" - the girls I know who have a beef with cupid. Refreshments to include cheesecake, cookies, chocolate, Haagen Daas, brownies, Cosmopolitans and Appletinis. There's much debate on whether we should have cookies and brownies or cookie dough (which may or may not get cooked) and brownie mix (which also may or may not be actually cooked).

Entertainment will be chick flicks - The Holiday, Under the Tuscan Sun and any other film where girl meets boy, boy breaks girls heart, girl goes on to far better life and far better boy.

Invites are already out. Girls are excited and amused. Happy women in stable relationships are strictly forbidden to attend.

Let the coven converge.

Absolutely. Deeply. Always.

2007-05-29T15:57:00.000-05:00

Someone asked me two questions today. (1) Had I ever been in love and (2) Had I ever been loved?

My answer was the same to both.

Absolutely. Deeply. Always.

Just because you can't be with someone doesn't mean you don't love them or stop loving them. It only means you can not be together.

There's more to life than finding the love of your life. You have to find the love of your life that you can be with. That's my path.

I loved Jeff absolutely, deeply and always. It doesn't matter how horrible he can be or what has happened in the past or what happens in the future. I'll always love him. I'll just never be with him again.

But I also know that he loved me the same way. I know that will never change. Lord knows we've both tried everything from hatred to ambivalence and it never dies. We just can never be together.

There's a Hinder song called "Better than Me". Jeff emailed me to say it reminded him of me. I can see that.

Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie reminds me of him.

When he and I do hang out, it's not all about the booty call. We literally hang out. We laugh, we talk, we compare news and stories and plans. We can talk about all of the things that would be taboo to say to anyone else.

I know that it will never matter who comes along in his life. He dates women all of the time - none of them connect to him like I did. It's the same for me. I told him once that his girlfriends don't bother me because I have as much of Jeff as anyone ever has had or ever will have. He agreed. Maybe the same is true in reverse.

It hardly matters. It only makes it harder to find someone new because they have to reach me on a deeper level and strike a spark greater than Jeff ever did.

Moving on will never be easy. But I am and I will. There will be someone someday. When I am ready.

And I am not ready.

Fun Junkie

2007-05-29T11:07:00.000-05:00

I know some of my recent actions aren't approved of. I don't blame you. They conflict me too. But to not share them here is cheating myself of the diary experiece - so I have to risk the wrath and continue on...

I'm seeing Jeff again. Not seeing him-seeing him, but we occasionally hang out and chat online or talk on the phone. It's actually probably the best it could be. We're much more honest with one another and there's no pressure to pretend anything is anything that it's not. I think to some extent we are both enjoying the new aspect of the friendship and it's taken a lot of stress off. I know this sends up red flags for most, but I have to admit that I actually think this level of "friendship" might work for us both and there's less drama. Jeff actually takes a lot of initiative to call me to talk or hang out, which is new, and when it works for me, I go along...when it doesn't - I pass. If I have other plans, they come first.

And yes, we've slept together again. Sunday night most recently. We'd hung out, eating cold fried chicken and mostly just talking and laughing like kids. At one point we ended up kissing and before we knew it, we were doing the dirty deed.

I can hear you calling me stupid, you know....

Sure, I hold on to him in ways. He holds on right back. I have no confusion over what we are. Friends with Benefits. Period. Do I think there's a deeper connection that keeps us together in ways? Absolutely. Does it mean a damn thing on a larger scale? Hell, no.

The party Saturday night was a great time. Chris and I definitely connected but by Sunday it was already fizzling. As of last night (Monday) it was pretty much done. I am annoyed that my fun is over. A little moreso because I actually liked him. Still, it had no real possibilities to amount to much more than fun and the ending is most likely necessary to let me find and focus on new fun. I was enjoying the distraction that was Candy-Boy and I feel like my fun was spoiled.

I have realized that I seem to really enjoy having larger and larger circles of friends and flirtations. I want to expand the flirtations circle but finding worthy candidates is a tough one...

I'm a bit of a fun-junkie. I thrive on the fun and games and when they end, I am disappointed...like a kid the day after Christmas.

Which is how I feel today.

Holding the Crown

2007-05-27T15:03:00.000-05:00

I continue to hold the Drama Queen Crown...

I wish I had the time to explain all the drama over the past few days, but I have very little time until work...

So, lets see - Jeff met me at Hard Rock Thursday night when I went dancing with my friends, we had innocent friendly fun - and then slept together. Since then, he's maintaining contact with me. IMs, emails, texts - but all on this somewhat "cool" friend level.

Yes, I know. I think i am just as sick as he is. I enable him. I am co-dependent on him. I resist, but once he's in I let him ALL the way in.

I went to a party last night. Candy-Boy Chris (young cook) came. Followed me there. We talked until sunrise and I was BLOWN AWAY by his intelligence. We left, in texts admitted to crushes on each other and are supposed to "hang out" after work tonight.

I read tarot at the party. Made 4 people cry. When Jeff called this morning to ask if I had fun (jealous???) I told him that and he said "That's my girl..."

You deserve more details. I promise they will come.

If I sound like a mess, believe it or not - I'm not. Jeff's as close to me now as he will ever get to me. Chris - well, I don't know about this one...I knew there was 'something' about him and I am beginning to see what it is. If he were 10 years older, this boy would be mine. As it is...I don't quite know what to do about him... I think I'll be having a conversartion with him to that effect.

I'm good again. My dreams all seem to be coming true. Jeff came back in a way, Chris is beddable and I think I am feeling confident and strong enough to watch my step with all.

I'm certainly entertained.

Burn...

2007-05-24T21:12:00.000-05:00

Jeff is nothing if not a brilliant manipulator. He pushed and got me to respond to him and then professed his worries and concerns about his mental state and got me to soothe, comfort and offer support. Then just as he realized he "had me back" he began to push away. My cheery good mood fell away and I became - once again - Jeff's toy. The one he takes out, uses as he sees fit just to be sure I still will answer to him and then puts in the back of the closet so no one else can reach it.

I didn't see him, but I spoke to him nearly every day this week. All he seemed to need was my attention.

I did do one thing new though. I talked to my family about what's been going on. My father is about ready to get a bat and beat Jeff within an inch of his life.

I was supposed to go out with friends tonight, but I am tired and my head hurts and I think I will be staying in.

I feel down. Tired. It could be from so much work, the stress or more.

Did I mention how Jeff reeled me in? With vague suggestions that he was afraid he'd hurt himself or someone else and a plea that I help him get help. He sent me his insurance info and asked me to find a doctor to help him and take him to the doctor. He played on my nurturing side and won. He also had me panicking and crying - terrified something bad could happen to him. He re-crowned me the reigning Drama Queen by taking away my peace.

In trying to figure out how to cope, how to help - I stumbled on this....I beg you to read this brief blog article. It defines my experience to absolute stunning perfection...

On the flip side -

I'm having recurring dreams again. Two in 24 hours (there was a nap involved) about my young cook at the restaurant. Christopher. The first was a naughty episode of sex and candy - and well, let's just say I get the song I smell sex and candy lyrics now...it was sexy and dirty and a sexual fantasy that someone like Willy Wonka might be prone too. Lifesavers, rolling around naked in ice-cream sprinkles and passionate kisses...

The second dream seemed (once again) like the prelude to the sex. Christopher asking me to go somewhere with him.

My dreams come in odd orders.

As it turns out, it appears that Christopher and I both have invites to a party Saturday night. There's a great deal of speculation as to what will happen there. The entire restaurant sees the flirting we engage in. Chris barks at everyone but is sweet to me. There's suggestive remarks, laughs and back-scratching and shoulder rubs for all to witness. There's been whispers.

He's too young. He's not my type.

But...what the hell is it about him? I have to confess I have a tiny crush. Not a boyfriend crush, but more like a sexy crush.

I think I enjoy the flirting and the crush and the sexual tension too much and I know if we end up following through on it, we lose the fun part and move to complicated.

But man....that candy.... (btw: Candy: To see or eat candy in your dream, symbolizes the joys and special treats in life. It also represents indulgence, sensuality and/or forbidden pleasure.)

Yeah, that makes pretty perfect sense... My dreams are so freaking text book perfect. Since there were two of them, I suppose it's time to get ready.

So...I don't know what the hell I am doing anymore. Am I there for Jeff? Am I not there for him? Can I ever really be free of him? Do I really want to be free of him? I resist him for a period of time, he breaks through and then I am just as guilty as he is of initiating contact until he hurts me again and I find the strength to start all over again. I am deeply afraid this will be a lifelong pattern.

There are other things that scare me.

I feel like I have two sides. I feel like part of me is good and normal. I feel like part of me is evil. There are times I talk to Jeff and part of me longs to succumb to the evil side and be his partner in pure evil.

Do I recognize him as evil and a sociopath because something in me identifies? I feel emotions. I feel empathy. But in my head, I can also figure out how to manipulate people and situations and I am far more clever about it than Jeff is. Sometimes I do it without realizing I am doing it until later.

I can keep a low profile. I can spill my guts and my feelings and openly display my flaws because people get this sense of me. They feel like I am this open book, this klutz of a loveable person - - - they never realize that I've established all the ground work I will ever need to get away with anything I need to pull off. Because if I reach a point of having to lie or making a mistake, they will all believe I meant well or was innocent all along. I don't hurt people like Jeff does, but I know how to set up scenarios to get results I want. I know how to drive wedges between people, how to seduce a man, how to get the benefit of the doubt and how to start fires. I blogged about it years ago once lightly. I commented that sometimes I find myself setting tiny fires in people just to watch them burn. Like an emotional pyromaniac. I might flirt with someone even though I have no interest, just to watch them trip over themselves dealing with it.

I don't mean to do any of these things. But I see myself do them just the same.

Is the old adage "it takes one to know one" applicable here? Am I really the "bad" one?

Am I manipulating Jeff? Did I set up this whole "deep connection" thing just to keep the same hold on him that he keeps on me? It's easy to paint him as the bad guy, but I can play his games just as well as he can...

The worst of it is that while I see through Jeff - he still thinks I am the stupid girl who loves him enough to keep putting up with his shit. He had no idea that I have purposely kicked him when he's been down a few times or that I love to show support when he's down because it makes me the "good" one to him. I let him fall again and again because I know he'll look to me for the hand-up.

Maybe I am the one who needs the professional help.

There are these moments that I feel like "stop pretending" and just be evil with him.

There are times I think that if you took the "perfect" evil being and split them into two halves - you would have Jeff and I. Sid and Nancy. Spike and Dru.

Dumb and Dumber?

But I never really cross that line.

Identity crisis?

What is going on in my life?

I do wish I had never met him...but he's here and I think he will always be here. There's no definition to our relationship of sorts but I feel like we're joined and always will be.

And most days, that is a very, very bad thing.

On a brighter note.....

Taylor made the honor roll. Our hard work paid off and she boosted her grades and even made Student of the Month. I am so proud of her...

She is what keeps me from crossing the line...

Crash...

2007-05-22T00:01:00.000-05:00

I am emotionally exhausted.

I can't even muster the energy to tell it all right now, but the long and short of it is that Jeff contacted me a number of times today and tried to push for a friendship. I suppose in that sense of coming back for me, my dreams did come true.

And, I guess that it got under my skin.

I responded and told him I didn't know - he hadn't really been a friend so far. I should have shut the door and I left it cracked.

Then I went to work.

I told one of my friends at work some news that I didn't want to give her, but felt like she had to know. She was VERY upset but I think it brought us closer because she knew I was being protective of her.

I got into a fight with a tempermental co-worker that I am always friends with. A guy named (of course) Jeff. He snapped at me and I fucking lost it. I said "I quit" and started crying.

Management refused to accept my resignation. My other co-workers surrounded me and tried to help. In the end, Jeff apologized with so much sincerity that I felt better and everyone kissed and made up. Chris, my 22 year old line cook/boy toy hugged me while I cried and offered to beat Jeff up. I had to talk him out of it. He was furious that I'd been spoken to the way Jeff did.

I don't know if my reactions were in proportion or if MY Jeff just got under my skin. Either way, I feel emotionally exhausted and drained.

But I couldn't help notice that when I fell this time - I had friends all around me. I was hugged by so many people it was a blur.

I noticed. I cherished. I feel like I fell apart today, but I also feel like I learned that when I stumble, I have people there to help me up again.

I also noticed that I keep forgetting to eat. I've had nothing for 25 hours now...

Must. Remember. To. Eat.

Showtime, Synergy!

2007-05-21T07:39:00.000-05:00

Super props to anyone who gets the title (without googling it!). Also, if you did "get" the title without googling it than my guess is that you are (1) a girl and (2) not far from my age and (3) just a bit of a nerd, really - because who remembers this crap after 20 years?

I was asked out again last night and had to decline. I explained patiently to John than my alter ego "rock star" couldn't come out to play because my primary ego "mom" had to go home and - well, be a mom.

I'm going to have to explain that again later today to Jess. I got a 2:30 am text message "Thursday Night, Hard Rock. Make it happen". I laughed and went to bed pleased that my friends were wanting to spend time with me but a little sad that I have to be the old hag and decline. Even if my daughter was not an issue - I have to sleep to get up for my 7:00 am morning and if last week was any indication then sleep would not come until very, very early the next day.

I think I have a party to attend this weekend, so all is not lost.

Wasn't it just last week that I had no social life?

I had a bit of a bad night last night at work - started out wonderful and fun but somewhere along the way I got annoyed and frustrated and it just snowballed on me. It was slow and I made no money, but just busy enough to make me work hard to earn NO money. Closing up took forever and I was irritable.

Chris worked and flirted just a bit but we were both somewhat busy.

It was a hard night and towards the end I had a craving. I needed to just sit beside someone with my head on their shoulder for a minute. I almost asked a couple of my male co-workers to let me lean on them for a minute, but in the end pride prevailed and I did without.

I never heard back from The Cop after the mysterious exchange yesterday. I'm not really thrilled about that and I hope he can clear it up. I have this feeling that he likes me but doesn't know how to approach me...and is botching it all beyond hope. Which is fine, I'm not interested at this point anyway, but I also would prefer not to think a cop is stalking me with his mysterious games...

I continue to be happy on my own and every day I feel like I am more and more over the past. I definitely enjoy this NO CONTACT period and I hope I can keep it going...

I am feeling truly outrageous these days and it may be time to put my Jerrica aside and release my Jem. If I could just find my star-shaped earrings...

Sirens

2007-05-20T15:31:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted much about The Cop lately, have I?

I had given the matter some thought and I realized the problem might be me. I am very guarded and it takes me awhile to relax with a man and decide if I like him or not. I wanted to give the cop another chance.

We talked last week in IM and I told him how I felt and he seemed very understanding - then mid-coversation (deep personal conversation about my feelings) he said "lol" and disconnected.

But never came back online.

And never called.

I wrote him off then and there. I opened up to him and he 'laughs' and disappears?

I think not.

No contact since then.

A few minutes ago, I passed my computer and saw a new IM from him: "I know you aren't at work"

Huh???

I text messaged him: "You're right, I work tonight - how do you know?"

He wrote back: "I know a lot".

Huh????

I wrote back: Is that scary or flattering?

He replied: :)

Games????

I wrote back: Since I rarely hear from you, I'm leaning towards scary.

He replied: Why do you say that?

I went to take a shower. I have no time for silly games and I suck at text messaging. You want to talk? Pick up the phone.

Did I attract yet another crazy person???

Party Like a Rock Star

2007-05-20T12:41:00.000-05:00

It's been a long time.

It's been a long, long time since I spent a night with friends - minus romantic bullshit - and had a blast.

It's been a long, long, long time since I danced on a stage all night in front of a crowd. Since I danced with men I didn't know. Since I laughed just to laugh. Since I let my inner wild child loose and just lived every moment the way that I felt like.

I am my own. Once again, I finally belong to myself and no one else. I am not "Jeff's girl" or "Brad's girl" - I am just me and I am happy with that.

I dress cute and people notice. I dance and people dance with me. I sit home, after sleeping late on a Sunday afternoon with music blaring and a light heart.

I really do feel like I am coming back to life.

Never Again

2007-05-20T12:19:00.000-05:00

I hope the ring you gave to her
Turns her finger green
I hope when you’re in bed with her
you think of me
I would never wish bad things
But I don’t wish you well
Could you tell
By the flames that burned your words
I never read your letter
Cause I knew what you’d say
Give me that Sunday school answer
Try make it all okay

Does it hurt
To know I'll never be there
bet it sucks to see my face everywhere
It was you
Who chose to end it like did
I was the last to know
you knew
exactly what you would do
Don’t
You simply lost your way

She may believe you
But I never will
Never again

If she really knows the truth
She deserves you
A trophy wife Oh, how cute
Ignorance is bliss
But when your day comes
And he’s through with you
And he’ll be through with
You'll die together, but alone

You wrote me in a letter
You couldn’t say it right to my face
Well, give me that Sunday school answer
Repent yourself away

Does it hurt
To know I'll never be there
bet it sucks to see my face everywhere
It was you
Who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
you knew
exactly what you would do
Don't say
You simply lost your way
They may believe you
But I never will
Never again

Never again will I hear you
Never again will I miss you
Never again will I fall to you
Never
Never again will I kiss you
Never again will I want to
Never again will I love you
Never!

Does it hurt
To know I'll never be there
Bet it sucks
To see my face everywhere
It was you
Who chose to end it like you
was the last to know
you knew
exactly what you would
Don't say
You simply lost your way
They may believe
But I never will
I Never Will
I never will
Never again

I Am a Rock Star

2007-05-20T03:23:00.000-05:00

I am a rock star.

Well, I feel like one anyway.

It's past 4 am as I write this and I admit to being slightly tipsy...

Work sucked. It was dead slow. On the bright side, Chris (the VERY young line cook) gave me a potato shaped like a heart - LOL.

After work, the plan was to go to a party of a co-worker. Another co-worker (John) that I used to flirt with a lot invited me to Hard Rock Casino and I decided to meet him there and then go to the party.

A friend/co-worker (Jess) decided to join me and the three of us made a night of it. Jess and I danced on a stage at a bar all damned night and John cheered us on. We dirty danced with John, threw back drinks and laughed the entire night.

I never called Jeff back. He never crossed my mind. And if I mention him now it's only because I am so fucking glad to have him live in my past and not exist in my present or my future.

I notice that now, when I hear a song that used to reduce me to tears over him, it doesn't even phase me.

I can say it now and mean it for the first time. I am over him.

I have a great time with my friends (and I have more and more friends every day) and I love coming home to my house and I live on my terms.

As I write this, there's a song playing in the room - my room. Fergie singing Big Girls Don't Cry and I think it strikes a chord in me. I hope you know, I hope you know - that this is nothing about you.

I am over him.

It feels awesome.

I almost forgot the best part....

I changed my clothes at work to go out and when I came out of the bathroom in tight black pants and a little funky top - I had jaws dropping around me. One male co-worker told me that he thought I looked like a model.

Not really - but him saying that made me feel great.

I am great.

I've healed. R.I.P Jeff - Viva Christine!!!

A Little Secret

2007-05-18T19:16:00.000-05:00

I believe that a diary should be complete.

This is my diary. I had a handful of posts saved as drafts that I have pressed the publish button on.

All posts, including one HIGHLY controversial one that most of you felt would put my life in danger if I didn't yank it, have now been released. If you're that curious, it's up to you to find them - but they are finally all here.

(And by the way - if I ever turn up mysteriously dead - you all know exactly who the culprit is).

If someday my story needs to be told, I want it to be complete.

I like to believe that one day - many, many years in the future - perhaps after I am long gone? - someone, somewhere will read this (and the preceding two blogs) and learn about who I was and what my life was like.

In this strange and therapeutic purging of my thoughts I like to think I leave a tiny imprint on the world...or at least the world wide web.

Grounded

2007-05-18T18:51:00.000-05:00

I haven't been grounded since freshman year in high school - yet that's just how I feel right now...locked in my bedroom, a pizza on my desk and nothing but the tv, my computer and my cell phone to entertain me.

I am forbidden to leave my room.

Um....

Come to think of it, this isn't half-bad.

Taylor has a slumber party tonight and no matter how cool I am - it's still not cool to have Mom crash the party. Nevermind that I bought the pizza and the pay-per-view movie they're watching...I am relegated to my bedroom and only allowed to come out for drink refills or to sneak outside for a highly forbidden cigarette.

I have big plans for pay-per-view moves of my own in my room and I am on slice #3 of my pizza. I have to admit that I have wondered about smuggling the blender, the bottle of Malibu rum and the pina colada goodies into my room but I suspect the girl's parents would hear about it and not see the humor in it like I do.

Perhaps after they fall asleep?

They do fall asleep, right?

...Right?

You could be in for a lot of blogging tonight...

It's all good...

2007-05-18T07:44:00.000-05:00

I'm still doing great!

Taylor is having a slumber party tonight so I will be busy "staying out of the way" and being "cool". I'll do my best....

I already have plans to go out after work Saturday night with my friends from work. Nothing definitive but I really hope there's dancing involved!

My self-realizations continue and they've all been great. I feel like I really am almost entirely over the past and parts of me that were long dead (even going back to Brad) are coming back to life.

I disco-danced alone in my bedroom last night to I Love the Nightlife by Alicia Bridges.

I used to dance alone ALL the time. I was happy to find myself doing it again.

I feel good. No Jeff = No Drama and No Drama = No Pain.

I feel like I have been cured of a terminal illness. Maybe in a sense I have been.

I'm happy for no reason. Happy for the sake of being happy. Happy for being happy.

I have nothing to look forward to, but I look forward just for the sake of knowing that each day is another day filled with small and simple pleasures - my daughter, great television shows, friends at work and my home.

I enjoy talking to my friends on the phone, working my 2nd job, playing Scrabble with Taylor, watching my TIVO and naps on my couch. I like to feed the birds in my backyard (I actually have a bluejay now trained so well that she comes when I call and lands so close to me that I could touch her).

I've lost every ounce of the weight I gained while pregnant and I am back to a size 8. I'd like to tone up my stomach, butt and thighs but I'm managing to look pretty cute just the same.

I feel good. ;)

Good Morning!

2007-05-17T07:45:00.000-05:00

It is a good morning. No specific reason - I just feel good!

I heard one of my favorite "pick me up" songs on the radio this morning and I was "chair-dancing" as I drove and singing at the top of my lungs...

I love the nightlife - I've got to boogie!

The urge to go disco dancing was strong in me. I forgot how much a song can make me feel great.

In my head I wanted to call my friends and plan a dance night. I wanted to dance, sing, boogie...

No feeling sad, no missing anyone, no regrets - I can honestly say that right now, I feel great!

There's no man in my life and I'm fine with it. I'm not looking.

I had thought about giving The Cop a second chance but I'm not so sure now. He's nice, but I don't think he's what I want.

I also googled "Kenny Chesney" and damned if The Cowboy that I was flirting it up with last week isn't his freaking identical twin. They look so much alike that I am tempted to think it WAS Kenny...except he paid with a credit card and I remember his first name being Gregory.

I'm all about just feeling good and learning to enjoy my life right now. I don't need anything other than the right frame of mind and I think I am getting better and better at that.

I'm excited at this turn. I'm not depressed for the first time in a LONG time and I feel strong and confident and happy. I'm afraid to say "I'm all better" for fear of being set back again - but I think (between you and me) that I just might be.

You-know-who isn't on my mind at all. I'm not missing him even a little bit.

I think there's a certain sense of irony in it all...I've been withering away and dying without his love and when I have the recurring dreams about him trying to come back to me (just what I was so sure I wanted!) - something in me just snapped and said HELL NO.

It's like some tiny part of me has been able to see how awful he is for me and how much I need to move on and that part of me finally broke free and overcame the rest of me.

Thank god for that dream.

I think I had another last night, but I can't be sure. I don't recall it right now, I just have a sense of it.

I know that my "recurring" dreams always come true and I hope this one is an exception. I don't want Jeff to want me back. It would be tough for me to deal with. Still, should that come to fruition - the answer is "no".

No amount of therapy, promises or chemistry can make up for his trainwreck of a life. There's no way he could ever make me happy and there's nothing but pain associated with him.

There's no anger now. Disappointment, yes, but no anger, no bitterness and no hard feelings. I do hope for the best for him and I do wish him well - but I don't even want to know how he's doing. I don't want to hear about his problems or his triumphs. I don't want to know anything at all.

I'm not sure where this all has come from, but I am grateful for it.

I think I might be turning a BIG corner.

I feel good.

There's a New Sheriff in Town

2007-05-16T22:40:00.000-05:00

There've been some changes. I'm not entirely sure where they are coming from, but they're welcome ones.

First of all, Tuesday I had another dream about Jeff and I getting back together. This one was far more vivid and intense. In the dream, I was out with friends laughing and having a great time and I ran into him. He kept trying to talk to me and my friends kept trying to prevent him from speaking to me. He was almost chasing me. He seemed desperate again and kept saying that I had been right, that he needed me, that he wanted to marry me...

I woke up and freaked-the-fuck-out.

My recurring dreams always come true.

I think that's when the final straw snapped.

Somehow, since then - I have maintained NO contact with Jeff and even better - I have felt great about it. I don't think about him nearly as much and it feels like these dreams somehow set me free.

All this time that I pined for him and wanted him back in my arms - these dreams suggested it would happen and I realized that I don't ever want to be with him again. I never want to go through that again.

And somehow, just like that, a piece of me moved forward.

I'm...borderline happier lately. I work, I play with Taylor, I cultivate friendships at work and flirt with the indecently young line cook (who scares me with the sexual tension he can inspire in me...more on that later) and I relax.

I feel like I am finally free and I can only hope that this newfound feeling sticks.

I know that I still love Jeff, but I can HONESTLY say that I am happier to not see or speak to him anymore. I hope I never hear from him again. I wish him only the best (mostly) but I truly never want to see him again.

So - - - the line cook.

Chris.

Could we GET any more innappropriate?

I don't know what it is but he seems to be able to just leap and dodge all my defenses and walls and make me smile. He flirts with me like a pro and I know that I only have to say yes and he'll be in my bed.

But he's 22.

And he has a girlfriend (long distance thing).

And I just can't do that...

If he didn't have a girlfriend...if he weren't SO young...

I actually find myself disappointed when he's not working. When he IS working, my night is a roller coaster of looks exchanged that make my blood begin to simmer under my skin, flutters and smiles that make something inside of me feel shakey. He knows it too. He winks, blows kisses, stares at me with this penetrating gaze...

He also teases me, harasses me and plays with me.

I enjoy him.

I'm deeply embarassed to admit this, but I am attracted to this punk...and he is SO not my type.

He's rude. He's crude. He wears the damned stupid pants low enough to see boxers. He's a pot smoker (I'm drug free). He's a rough one - probably always ready to fight. He's a kid.

And I swear...he knows how to seduce me and he's been doing a damned slick job of it over the months. I manage to enjoy the attention and still fend him off...but I'm not sure if I can do that forever. I'm beginning to fantasize about giving in...about kissing him to see if I feel sparks there...

Then reality slaps me back. TWENTY-TWO. GIRLFRIEND.

And I remember that he's nothing that I want or need in my life and that this little lust-fest I have going with him is (at best) fleeting and probably asking for trouble.

I haven't been in trouble in quite some time now...

It makes me wonder...am I a good girl or a bad girl?

I'm used to being the "bad" girl. Steve (ex-best-friend's husband) used to say I was Jessica Rabbit ("I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way"). Jeff liked me devious side. I've always been the devilish one. I've rebelled, broken rules, played the "games" and (usually) won them. I've crossed lines, started fires and loved it all...

But am I really a good girl? In my entire life I have had TWO casual sexual encounters. Every other one had some depth and meaning to it. I'm single now and could fuck every man in Florida if I chose - married, single - you name it....

But I don't. I have no interest in it.

I'm still learning who I am, who I want to be and how this new 'me' operates post-devastation. I wonder if I have to choose a path...

Because a "bad girl" would absolutely put that delicious boy in my bed and likely unleash a few years worth of sexual frustration on him and a "good girl" would do just what I've been doing...enjoy it for what it is without taking it further...

Which will I be?

It's My Life (Don't You Forget)

2007-05-15T07:32:00.000-05:00

yspaceLife continues.

I worked last night and although it was VERY slow, I managed to earn $5 more than my goal and just enough to cover my urgent bills. As of today I am only behind on ONE bill and I will have that bill paid on Friday.

I still love working at the restaurant. I'm not sure I can ever explain it. I just feel...happier there.

The Cop contacted me yesterday and we had a lengthy IM exchange. I am considering giving him a 2nd chance. We'll see. I'm not sure if it's him or me. Maybe I just can't feel anything? I thought about it and realized that the last guy (post Jeff) that I was even REMOTELY attracted to was Mark and it took Mark a month of phone calls and IM's and a 3rd date before I started feeling happy to see him.

Apparently it takes a lot of effort to get past my force fields and walls and get me to relax enough to even decide if I like you.

I realized this is true across the board...I also am JUST NOW beginning to socialize outside of work with some of my female co-workers...after 6 months. It's taken them 6 months to get me to warm up to them.

Yeah. I think it's me.

Jeff was the master of walls. He had walls within walls built on top of more walls. He thinks he did me a favor by giving me walls that I never had before.

I think he can shove his "favor" right up his ass.

I didn't respond to his email yesterday. I have no intention of communicating with him. I did have to laugh that he wrote back at all. How do you take an email where I basically tell him I am letting go and "good bye" and then write back with a lengthy and detailed summary of his life at the moment?

I'm semi-proud that I finally stood up and told my heart "enough". My head is running the show now. The dream where we got back together is what freaked me out. All this time I have been wishing and praying to have him back and when the dream hit - I just snapped. My head won't allow it.

He's right. You're right. Head's right. He's not good for me. I started to list why and realized there's no need to be nasty...I don't feel nasty towards him. I will always love him but I will NEVER be with him again.

Moving on (this time I hope I really am)

I work again tonight and hallelujah for that. I have $5 in my purse and I'm out of gas. My gas-guzzling Ex-Mobile will get about a gallon and a half out of that. JUST enough to get Taylor from school and get TO work. If my budget is correct, I should manage to earn another $50 tonight and that will sustain me for the week.

I'm doing ok. I feel stronger.

Monday

2007-05-14T12:12:00.000-05:00

Jeff replied to my email (though I had hoped he wouldn't) and basically agreed that I am "better off without him" and then proceeded to ramble about his own life and debts and bills. I'm not really sure why he felt a need to share his life with me but I suppose it speaks to his ability to always want to communicate to me.

I do believe at some point he will regret his choice. I do not believe I will regret mine.

I'm not sure if I blogged it, but there were "supernatural" reasons behind my decision.

If you've read this blog in the past, you know I occasionally have "premonition dreams". Every single dream I ever had about Jeff came true to the exact detail. About 5 days ago I had a dream that Jeff and I were back together. My family was upset over it. Jeff had a headache and his head was in my lap and I was stroking his head to soothe him. In the dream, I wasn't entirely sure if he was back with me out of love or because he was so broken down and beaten that he needed someone to care for him. I didn't know if it would "work" but I was happy he was back in my arms in any case.

When I woke up, my first thought was "Aha! So we WILL be back together".

Then it sank in. Back? Together? To the doubts and worries and insecurities? Back to the insanity (pardon the obvious pun)? Back?

No fucking way.

Something in me took over and said "Hell no". I wrote the email and ended it entirely. No friendship, no communication - nothing.

I suppose all this time what I really wanted is what I lost...and that's not possible. Being with Jeff again now would keep me filled with fears and doubts and my every waking moment would have to be dedicated to trying to keep him sane and 'together'. Meanwhile, I would lose my soul.

So, I suppose in that flash - my inner self finally spoke up and said 'enough'.

I'll always love him, but I will never be with him again. I'm not sure I will be with anyone at all, but I am not worrying over it either.

Jeff always said he would be dead before 40. His ex-wife said "dead or in prison". I fully believe these to be true predictions. Jeff's increasing need for stimulation will see him fall. I would save him - I could save him - but he'd have to want it and he doesn't.

I didn't cry when I got his email (as I usually do) and to be honest, with the exception of tears over Taylor's cards that touched my heart I have not cried at all since sending the email. It may be just another small step, but I have to some degree let go a bit more. Or a lot more. I can never be sure.

Work last night was chaotic, but the same usual fun. I love the rapport with my coworkers. I love the bickering, the laughs, the teasing and the pace of it all. At one point, Chris (my 22 year old potential boy-toy) was rubbing my shoulders and I was relaxing into him (melting?) when I realized he was engaged in a water hose war with his commrades and was actually using me as a human shield. I shoved him away and feigned indignation. Later he blew me kisses in the parking lot.

It's all silly and fun (for me). I know most people there say they hate it there, but I love it. I love running to keep up with the pace, love the little dramas that arise, love the spirit and the silliness. Whether it's pulling a prank on a co-worker or sharing a table-story about a crazy customer - it just seems so alive to me.

I love coming home to my house. I have a nice place. It's cool and comfortable and fully outfitted with everything I need to be cozy. It feels like home to me.

I love forgetting to eat dinner because I am so busy and then eating Oreos watching my TIVO (reminding myself that I can do anything I want to do because no one can tell me otherwise).

I love having full control over my house.

I'm ok. I'd like to be more than ok - I would like to be happy but I will settle for ok for the moment.

All this good and positive thinking and I haven't taken any medication at all today.

This Other Girl

2007-05-13T22:54:00.000-05:00

There's another girl wearing my skin these days and I'm not entirely sure who she is.

She does things I don't normally do.

She gave her phone number to a cute cowboy who asked for her in the restaurant. Best of all, she didn't really care if he called or not. He flirted with her first - even asked her out (though she declined due to prior plans).

She hosted 10 co-workers at her house playing poker until 4 am. She laughed and joked and even won a few dollars. She even began to see some of the co-workers as more than "co-workers". A couple of them are becoming "friends".

She spent Mother's Day reading letters from her daughter where her 11-year old best friend told her she was a "hero" for working so hard to support them. She finally felt appreciated. She began to understand that this was a large part of what has been missing in her life...feeling appreciated.

She admired a new rose bush. Remember how I said I felt spiritually tied to my rose bush that withered and died? My 11 year old replaced it. It's healthy and covered in blooms - and is probably the most signifigant gift she has ever received. She lets herself believe that she - like the new rose bush - is healthy and ready to burst into bloom and thrive. That, like a new rose bush, she is reborn as a new person too.

She didn't dwell on the past or lost loves. When the "ex" came up in conversation (and he always does...people ALWAYS bring him up) - she didn't feel anything at all.

She talked to her best friend (Todd) in Oklahoma for a bit. Todd was slightly drunk and kept making suggestive remarks and referring to an erotic dream he had about her. When the call was lost (damned cell phones) - she turned the phone off. He left a message - clearly concerned that she'd just hung up on him - and she didn't return the call...she had tv to watch.

She skipped dinner (as usual) but snacked on chips.

She didn't sit around and feel sorry for herself today. She didn't actually sit around at all...but if she felt at all sorry...it wasn't for her.

It was for the people who didn't know her. It was for those stupid enough to have let her go. It was for those who doubted her.

She felt sorry for the ones who had passed through her life without appreciating her.

And - for just a moment or two - she felt sorry for the girl she's been these long months. Sorry that the girl had been so lost in pain that she neglected to nurture herself back to health.

She's not such a bad person, this new girl. I rather hope she sticks around.

I am, however, concerned by the fact that she is starting to see Vicodin as pain relief for emotional pain, rather than physical pain. It may be a half pill here of a 1/4 pill there - but she's realizing that when she takes it...she feels calm, happy and at ease with life for a short bit. She thinks that maybe the pain-relieving qualities are exactly what she needs to get through those hard times.

I hope the new girl can stick around, but I also hope she won't be too dependent on the vicodin to be who she is.

She has 3 pills left. And, in addition to the deep emotional pain she actually does have some mystery pain since the abortion that needs to be looked at. (It feels like they left a scalpel in me or something - I swear).

When those 3 pills are gone....will I look for more? Or will I be...better?

For The Record

2007-05-12T10:17:00.000-05:00

I sent the following email last night:

I just wanted to let you know that I am finally letting go.

I have never in my entire life given up anything that I believed in, but I am giving up on you. I am giving up hoping that you will realize something that I thought was so easy to see. I’m giving up hoping that you’ll ever love me again or come back or try again. I give up on us. I wouldn’t have held on this long if I didn’t believe so strongly in you, in us and in all of the magic that brought us together once before but I know that I was wrong now. It couldn’t be everything I believed if it’s only one sided.

I wish you nothing but the best.

Good luck, Jeff. I won’t be bothering you again.

Goodbye,
Christine

.... More importantly - I meant it.

I am going on a Jeff-free diet.

Shameless Begging

2007-05-11T19:02:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling down today. (big surprise)

Yesterday, Taylor presented me with an interim report she'd hid from me for 3 days that showed her grades dropping from B's to C's. I spoke to her teacher and if she ACES (100%) the rest of the tests in the next two weeks - she might make B's.

I called Brad to ask him to help Taylor study that night since I had to work and he told me he had plans.

Brad was always the best dad ever but lately I feel like he's more interested in being "good time dad". He's not here when she's sick or crabby or in trouble. He doesn't help her with school. He doesn't take her to the doctors. He doesn't do her laundry or cook her meals or any of the things a parent has to do - and I feel overwhelmed with 2 jobs, being a single mom and being depressed. I had thought we were 50/50 on the parenting issues but I now know better.

The last test Taylor failed - I asked him repeatedly to help her study for it. Instead, he took her out to dinner and brought her home at bedtime. She never studied and got an F. It's part of the reason her grade dropped.

When I ask her to do chores, I also ask him to see that she does them. Same deal He doesn't.

Mother's Day is Sunday and I have to work at 3:30 pm. Brad said I can come pick her up - (Great! I get to make an hour roundtrip drive during the few hours I DON'T work!) so I can bring her home to do nothing...because I am broke and killing myself to pay bills. Most mom's get taken out to lunch or shown appreciation in some small way. I get sent to work and my ex doesn't really care very much if I feel appreciated for raising OUR daughter or not. Moreso, I get to go work for 10+ hours on my feet serving other families who are taking "mom" out to show her how special she is to them. Every table is going to really sting.

I feel like I bust my ass to work to provide for my child and I and I have ZERO support from anyone in my life. And on the one day where mothers are honored and celebrated - I get told to pretty much expect nothing. I'm lucky I get to see my daughter at all. If I want a lunch or a treat it's up to me to cook it or buy it - and unfortunately I don't have the luxury of spending money on myself when bills are due. I have no help, no "thanks"...just like Christmas, my birthday, Valentine's Day, Easter and the rest - this is another holiday I get excluded from. Left out. Forgotten.

So - I am asking YOU for help. (Actually, I am begging)

There's a website I've been toying with that I like called NetWinner. It's like a free online lottery. You click 5 numbers and click "WIN" and if you hit any numbers you earn points that can be redeemed for gift certificates. If you hit ALL numbers you could win huge prizes in cash or points.

You also earn by referring people.

It's free and spam free. When you are playing (as much as you like!) you see ads on the right side of the screen. Nothing to install - just a website.

I've won several points. I'd really like to earn a few gift certificates to buy some household items or maybe even treat myself to something small...like clothes that fit me. Clothes that fit my daughter.

I get 500 points for everyone who signs up. If they play - I also get 10% of whatever they win.

It's 25,000 points for a $25 gift card.

Would you do this for me? Would you spread the word? If you join under me and then other people join under YOU - we both earn points.

I'm shameless, I admit it. I'm begging. I just feel completely alone, depressed, unappreciated and I work 24-7 with no social life...I'd really like to find something small to brighten my day...

Click here to join if you're feeling warm hearted today. And if you do - you have my deepest thanks. It costs you nothing at all, but could really go towards making my day...and I really need something to smile about.

Small Hours

2007-05-08T23:53:00.000-05:00

There are moments in my days - in every day - when I think to myself it's not worth it - it's not worth living without him.

There are more moments where my obligations as a mother keep me alive.

Occasionally, a shocking moment of clarity enters the picture - I spent so much time thinking I needed to save him - is it really that I have always needed him to save me?

The truth is that I don't want to live without him. I don't want to move on, find someone else, fall in love again. I don't want to forget. I don't want to let go.

What I want is to either be back in his heart or to die.

But I won't.

Because there's only one other person in this world that I love this much. My daughter. And I know her well enough to know she'd be destroyed if she lost me. As much as I sometimes think she'd be better off without me - I know she'd crumble. I won't do that to her.

So for me, life is a lot like a job you hate. I get up everyday and do the things I have to do. Eventually I go to sleep. Then I wake up and do it again.

I have nothing ahead that inspires me. I have no hopes, no dreams, no goals, no reasons to get excited.

I just exist.

I know Jeff isn't coming back. If he did, I have no idea if it could work anyway.

So I just keep going.

But deep inside, the place that only this blog knows about - I hurt so much. Tomorrow is 6 months to the day that we broke up...I still cry every damned day. Not just a small tear, but deep, soul-racking sobs when I am alone and no one can see me. The kind where you can feel your heart ripping to pieces all over again.

The sort of hurt I seem to feel constantly strikes me as so deeply abnormal. The fact that Jeff is my every waking thought is not normal. My inability to feel anything beyond pain is not normal.

Remember when Brad cheated on me and I thought I was "broken"?

Damn. I didn't know what the fuck I was talking about. This is broken. Broken beyond repair.

I tried so hard to save Jeff. I'd give anything for him to come back and save me.

He is/was a monster. He did horrible things. He hurt me beyond what I knew was possible...

And still, I am so deeply in love with him that I can't find a way out of this hole.

So, I wish I could die and be free. Because I don't see any other way to be free.

Do you ever wonder if you will click this blog and find my obituary?

I don't have the luxury of suicide, so I keep going for my daughter. But it's a lot like walking barefoot on broken glass.

Every step cuts deeper and hurts more.

I wish he'd save me.

Waiting

2007-05-07T15:05:00.000-05:00

I wish I wasn't about to say this -

I feel as if the choice isn't mine. For whatever has happened and whatever he is - I guess I still believe Jeff's "the one".

I find myself waiting for him - even though I know he's never going to come.

So I guess that's it. I wait. If he never comes, he never comes but at least I don't waste my time leading people on or kissing other frogs.

I think I'm cursed, and it's just as well.

Monday

2007-05-07T07:24:00.000-05:00

I have to admit that I am finding it harder and harder to blog.

It's not you, it's me.

I can't really explain it. I'm having a harder and harder time opening up and sharing my thoughts and feelings - not just with you, here, but with anyone/anywhere.

The date was fine. He was very nice, very good looking and a perfect gentleman mostly. He absolutely seemed to like me, that's for sure.

I respect him. I like the things he says and the way he speaks and I respect his job as a policeman.

But he has one fatal flaw.

He's not Jeff.

And I don't want anyone who is not Jeff.

So, I failed to return phone calls from the cop yesterday in a timely fashion. When I did call, I kept it brief.

I disappointed all of my co-workers. They'd all been so excited that I was going out. I felt like I let them all down.

I do love my co-workers (most of them) - they're really supportive. They may all be younger than me, but I often feel like I have 14 new siblings just waiting to tease, comfort, annoy and encourage me. I get text messages from them checking on me, we plan things together - I have to be honest and say that in a sense I did find the companionship I missed at the restaurant. I wouldn't give up my 2nd job for anything. I may hate going to it - but once I am there, I am happy to be there.

Speaking of...

At the end of my date, the cop kissed me. A lot of kisses. Once again, just like with Lance-the-Kiwi-New-Zealander I hated the kiss. Jeff used to kiss me and melt my knee caps. Anything less is unacceptable. I was disappointed not to feel lightening and thunder.

The reason I mention this is Chris. Chris is the 22 year old line cook at my restaurant who continues to flirt with me. I refuse to be Mrs Robinson, but damn the kid an generate some sexual tension with me.

I was incredibly tempted to grab him last night and kiss him - - - just to see if I felt anything there. Not to be with him, but just to determine if I had the ability to feel anything with anyone besides Jeff again.

I didn't do it.

Once, at work, Chris came up behind me and started rubbing my shoulders. Jeff used to do that and I instantly felt limp.

"One day..." Chris told me.

"One day?" I laughed.

"Yeah, you know how I know?" he said.

I looked at him.

"Because you're not arguing..."

I might not be arguing and I admit that I appreciate the attention. I'm 34 and he is 22 and trying to seduce me - what's to argue? - but I can honestly say that I'm not EVER going to cross that line.

Because he's not Jeff.

On a closing note, I am concerned that the termination of the pregnancy didn't go 'right'. I am experiencing periods of intense pain and I have lost 7 of the 12 lbs I gained in a matter of 4 days. I'm going to be calling the doctor...

Please Suck

2007-05-04T00:17:00.000-05:00

I hope he's awful.

The cop. Bryan, I mean.

I hope that when we finally meet it's awkward and horrible and I check the time 400 times before racing home.

Because I finally realized just a moment ago how scared I am.

I walk around believing that Jeff destroyed me. Believing I can't love anyone else. Believing I'll never feel it again.

And there's this guy - this guy who really wants to take me out. He says all the right things - and I mean he says ALL the right things. Not pushy, not wimpy, not aloof - he doesn't get innappropriate. We just talk and it flows and he makes me smile the smallest smile ever.

Poor guy.

He has no idea I'm damaged goods. No idea that I'm terrified that I might actually like him at all. No idea that I'd rather the date go awful so I won't have to let anyone near me again.

I'm scared. I'm scared to like someone. I'm scared to even go meet him face to face. I'm scared because I think we will like each other.

So I hope we won't.

Because if it goes badly I can hold on to my pain. I can keep walking around like the walking wounded mourning Jeff and telling the world how I can never love again. If it goes badly I won't ever have to tell Bryan how hurt I got. I won't ever have to open up or share my feelings or let someone get close.

I won't have to ever take a chance on letting someone close enough to hurt me.

So I hope it's horrible.

And at the same time, I know it's monumental that I'm going at all. My family and my co-workers all seem to be holding their breath like I am a cripple in rehab trying to take a first step out of a wheelchair. I know there's some secret reason why this one managed to get me out. He pushed some ight combination of buttons.

But I still hope it sucks.

That Damned Feeling

2007-05-03T09:30:00.000-05:00

As usual, I am a trainwreck. I think I often make Anna Nicole Smith look serene.

Yesterday found me in an emotionally deep email exchange with Jeff. I admit that I started it by telling him I was still in love with him. He responded by talking about his feelings and revealing more of his depression. A co-worker of his was killed in an accident and he was wishing it had been him. The very thought had me crying.

Nothing has changed. I still love him and he still feels like he's waiting to die. He did reveal that it was the depth of his feeling for me that made him feel like he had to end things. He said he felt like he would destroy me. True as it may be, it still sounds like a line to me.

On another hand...

My conversations with the cop continue. There definitely seems to be some sort of connection and he seems to be hoping that it will transpire into something. Somehow, he actually makes me smile and I'm not feeling pressured. Occasionally I do feel like he's moving faster than is realistic, but I just try to keep a pace that I can be comfortable with.

In conversations, we talk for hours and it flows easily. I get text messages from him that say things like "I find myself looking forward to hearing your voice again!" or even just smiley faces.

It might be a little quick for such attention considering we haven't had a date yet but I have to admit that it makes me smile a little just the same. There are no butterflies but I think that's fair.

We have plans to meet after work Saturday night. We'll see.

On the humorous side - the cop, who deserves to be named (Bryan), works for a local force that my sister has friends on. She got a bit protective yesterday and dropped by to ask about him. She got a bit of a scoop in "great guy" "VERY cute" "flirt" and a bit of a ladies man. She was sworn to secrecy but told them she'd be telling me. I was apalled that she did this and I confesed it to Bryan who found it amusing. My honesty paid off. Bryan's co-workers - who are apparently big gossips - went running to him to tell him about the inquiry. Lucky he found it pretty funny. Still, he plans to teach my nosy sister a lesson and she may find parking stickers on her truck next time she works (far better than the original idea I begged him out of where he was going to tow her car to the other side of the plaza).

It's been fun, nice and a little sweet to have this attention. But I have to admit that I know I am not over Jeff and I can't help wondering if it's fair to even see someone else when my hearts still so taken with another.

Why are emotions so complicated?

Today

2007-05-02T14:27:00.000-05:00

A lot has happened.

First, last Friday I had the procedure done. In a last minute and rather surprising display of conscience, Jeff insisted on being the one to take me. He actually did well keeping me calm and distracted during the wait and even asked if he could be present in the room for the procedure (not allowed) - but he was willing to go the distance to be there. I appreciated it. After, I slept it off and spent most of Saturday in bed.

Over the weekend, Jeff moved. He moved to another city on the opposite side of the county. I felt it the minute he was gone. It hurt. I went to the old house and wandered the rooms and just cried yet another river.

In the meantime...

A guy I once knew in high school has resurfaced in my life. He was a tall, nice and lanky kid. A band geek. We once played a game called "Gotcha" among the high school seniors and he was my "target". I had to tag him with a rubber dart gun and take his target to stay in the game.

I followed his car after school one day and when he pulled into a bank drive-through I jumped out of my car and "held him up" at rubber dart gunpoint until he surrendered. It was a funny moment.

He found me on MySpace and liked my pictures. He's a police officer in my area now and no longer geeky by any stretch. He's actually pretty damned cute and charming as hell.

Even more interesting he's really interested in me.

We've had long talks and there seems to be a bit of a connection. He's ready to date me.

I'm still not over Jeff. It hurts like hell to realize it.

Who knows where things will go. Maybe the cop will wear me down and this time I'll be the one to surrender.

Maybe I'll go on forever loving Jeff and feeling like I lost someone I loved deeply.

It's not that I don't try to put him out of my head. I do. But reminders are everywhere. A repeat of a tv show that I remember watching with him, my head in his lap in our usual tv watching position. A song we liked. A joke we shared. I'll reach in a drawer to throw on a white t-shirt and realize it's his.

He's everywhere in my life even when he's gone. I find myself wondering what if (as awful as he was) he was my great love, my soul mate and I am doomed to live loving him and never being loved back?

What if I can never forget?

What if it hurts forever?

When I asked how long it would take to get over him, most people said it's half the time you were together. 6 months for every year.

It's been six months. I'm not even close.

When?

To Whom It May Concern

2007-05-02T10:59:00.000-05:00

(I have updates and thoughts to post, but first I needed to get this out)

I miss you.

I know that I shouldn't. I know it's wrong. But I do. I miss you. I felt it the minute you left the city. Somehow I just knew you were gone. The next day I went to the house we shared.

I walked the emty rooms. I stared out the windows. I remembered being with you in these walls and I cried. I sat on the patio where we had watched countless sunsets and I tried so hard to say goodbye. When I left, I picked up a small rock. It's all I have left of the "dream house" where I loved you for so many days and nights.

I look at your life now. Sure, I don't know it all - but I have a pretty good idea. You have no money. Your career is in chaos. You are in debt so deep that you may never find a way out. The walls are closing in, just as I knew they would. You lost everything too...

Why don't you ever stop and realize that it all fell apart for you too when we split? Why doesn't it ever register to you that you were happy and making progress when we were together. We were a team. You smiled all the time. You seemed happy to be with me. We laughed every second we were together. You were better focused because we had common goals.

You could always talk to me. You could always turn to me. You would wake me in the dead of night to talk about stresses or ideas and I would sit up with you and listen. Why wasn't that enough for you?

You wanted to be loved and accepted. I gave you that. You wanted to be understood and I was always the only one who ever did. You wanted a partner and I fought your battles by your side. You wanted a friend and I shared that with you too. You wanted a lover and we made love every night we were together. You wanted passion and they don't come more passionate than me. I can be passionate about a sandwich and you knew it. You told me I was all you needed...but why wasn't it true?

It's been six months. I'm not over it. I'm so far from over it. I can't understand how I can feel this way if what we had wasn't real. I can't understand how you don't see that when you were with me - you were doing so well...professionally, at home, with your goals - and all of it fell apart when you stopped loving me.

Why doesn't all of that add up to you?

Someone who loves you and fills your every need. Someone who makes you laugh. Someone who makes your life make sense and makes your days better. A best friend. A lover. A partner.

I filled that order in every way. I was to you the one thing people search for their entire lives.

Why don't you feel as though you lost the best thing?

I need to get over you so badly but I just spin my wheels. Everything reminds me of you at every turn.

I miss you.

Why did you never miss me? Why wasn't I enough?

Notes

2007-04-24T08:28:00.000-05:00

There are things I want to post, but I just can't. I am so nauseated and so sick that it's impossible to focus long enough to write.

I have an appointment for Saturday morning to finish this. I'm almost desperate to get it over with.

K.I.T.

2007-04-19T21:48:00.000-05:00

K.I.T. = Keep In Touch.

I know, I've been awful at it lately. I'm always tired or enthralled with something I TIVO'ed or feeling like crap. Or sad. Or busy.

I don't mean to neglect my diary. Now I have a million things I have to somehow catch up here...

1) My little sister's wedding is tomorrow. We had the rehearsal tonight because Taylor is a junior bridesmaid. I am not sure what I feel about this wedding...dread? I'm not convinced it's right - she's so young... Maybe I'm just jaded. I do know I am fucking hating the idea of spending tomorrow night dressed to the 9's and sitting alone while some fuckwat dj plays love song after love song until I want to stab him with a fork. I think I would rather have dental surgery without anesthesia and through my rectum than go tomorrow. I love my sister - but I'm just not the best wedding guest these days. Besides - the people there are people I barely tolerate. My dad's side of the family and I never were close and my skin crawls when I hear them twang my name....

2) Jeff's sick. Really sick. Full blown psych episode time. He stopped going to work, stopped taking showers and there is more but I can't write it here - let's just say he did something that I found out about that caused me to go into complete shock for a day. He's in trouble. I know - I shouldn't give a shit, right??? I can't help it...I do. I can't 'help' him but I feel responsible for him. In two weeks he is about to be homeless. I've already told him he can not come here. I'm worried about him. I'm VERY worried he'll hurt himself or someone else. I tried to talk to him (in IMs) and he may be moderately open to some help right now because I think even he knows it's really bad this time. I really ONLY talk to him in IMs but I'm very aware of what's going on with him. He opens up to me in text. I had gone 5 days with no communication. I bragged to my sister that I thought I was "over him" and that night he began to IM me. It's like he senses when I am "gone" and has to reel me back. He's never going to let me go. I knew he wouldn't. The problem is that he keeps me imprisoned in my hurt.

3) I'm sick. I'm eating like a horse. I swear that I think I eat a full meal every 2 hours right now. Half the time I am not hungry but my body needs food or it promises to begin vomiting. I'm not enjoying this. I'm anxiously awaiting the appointment to end this - but I have to admit...at least once I put my hand on my stomach and tried to feel something for this child. I tried to reach deep inside and see if I could love it. I only felt deep fear. Fear that the child would be ill also like Jeff is. I began to feel VERY Rosemary's Baby.

4) I'm lonely. At night I watch TV and every few minutes I get up and wander aimlessly from room to room. I don't know why. I sleep with the lights on. I wait until I am beyond exhausted to lie down because I am afraid to lie in bed awake in the night. I still cry every day. I'm becoming listless. I no longer care about going to the grocery store with no makeup on and my hair twisted into a ratty ponytail. I think I have begun to believe that I am invisible after all and that no one sees or hears me anyway...

5) I wish things were different.

Monday

2007-04-16T07:57:00.000-05:00

I meant to write. I've just been exhausted, busy and otherwise occupied...

Saturday night was my sister's bachlorette party. It was fairly low key. We donned silly buttons and headed out to dance and party. I claimed two buttons. "Divorced" and "Slut". Seemed appropriate.

The night was pretty low key. We mostly hung out. I didn't drink at all. I did enjoy free sodas when I ordered and said I was designated driver. Sweet!

Oh, and - I nearly had one! This very cute guy with a million watt smile who looked to be my age was flirting heavily with me. My sister had these "dare" cards tucked into a garter and he pulled one. It said to pick the girl in the group he most 'fancied' and kiss her.

Well, I got kissed. A normal peck - but the designated photo-taker claimed to have missed it. So I got kissed again. Then a third time. The third time he went for the tongue. I indulged for about 5 seconds before I pulled away embarassed.

I was hoping he'd get my number but I think I 'rejected' him when I pulled away and spent the rest of the night refusing to notice him at the table behind me. A shame too because he was downright adorable.

I really must learn how to flirt. I suck at it.

My sister's wedding is Friday and this is going to be a busy week. I'll try to post photos of the bachelorette party (possibly including the kissing pic!) if I can get my sister to email them over before the end of the year...

In other news - the sick feeling continues, but my moods seem to be leveling off. I have my 'down' moments but for the most part I have been fine...I think I am either entering a new hormonal phase or starting to feel better.

Jeff IMed me. Asked me if he could borrow money.

He's moving in 2 weeks. Pretty far away too...about 30+ minute drive.

I think I'm ready for it.

Friday the 13th

2007-04-13T08:14:00.000-05:00

With my luck, Friday the 13th is really just another day. I'm just as likely to have bad luck on the 7th, 21st or any other day ending in 'y'.

I have random thoughts today...

I work tonight and I am anxious about it. The past two nights I have really felt sick and tired and working tonight is going to be painful.

I spent my nights off watching tv. I even laughed a couple times. I still cried also. I think I have cried every single day for the past 5 months.

Watching shows like Grey's Anatomy make me more conscious of the lack of friends in my life. Real friends. I began to daydream about a friend...if I were my friend I would show up unexpectedly with a tub of ice cream and a dvd chick flick. I would drag my miserable ass out of the house and go out for a drink or a dance. I would take myself to the beach. I would do whatever I could to get my depressed ass up and moving about before I grow moldy and stagnant.

But I don't have a friend. My best friend Mindy abandoned me when I chose to be with Jeff and I am still bitter over it. We were best friends for many years and I think I could have survived all of this better if she'd stayed a friend.

So, I stay in my house. I don't go out. I pick up my cell phone a hundred times a day in the hopes of just talking to someone and scroll through my contacts only to realize I have no one to call. No one to talk to.

I have two friends I can usually chat with. One lives in Oklahoma and the other in North Carolina. I miss them both but I know they're sick of me right now. You know how you can tell? When you call them and they very pointedly avoid asking "How are you?".

Sometimes I reach for the phone and I tell myself (out loud) "You're alone. Be alone."

I'm turning into a recluse.

My sister's wedding in in one week and I have no joy for it. If anything, I'm dreading it. I'm relegated to the 'loser' table of misplaced guests because I have no one to sit with. Even Taylor has a kid's table to sit at, but I am sitting with the random co-workers, classmates and mothers of friends who she had no place else to sit. I'll be without a dance partner for the night and I am envisioning a night of sitting in a corner trying not to cry, knowing people are pitying me. I'm the only 'single' person there. Literally. 70-something guests and I am the 'odd number'. Between that and the night of 'love songs' that are sure to be blasted by some dickhead of a dj I am not looking forward to this at all. At least if I cry, people will think it's with sentimental joy over my little sister getting married and not some pathetic self-pity.

Money is officially beyond tight. It's suffocating. I really should pick up some extra shifts, but I feel so sick that I can't do it.

Tomorrow night is my sister's bachlorette party. I'm dreading that too. Tagging along with 15 scantily clad 22 year olds for a night of debauchery and drinking is the furthest thing in the world from what I am 'up for' at the moment. Part of me knows I need to go and that maybe I'd even have fun - but the other part of me keeps whispering "stay home..."

Lastly, my rose bush is dead.

This is actually pretty signifigant. This is a small miniature pink rose bush that Brad gave me for Valentine's Day in 2000. Over the years it has flourished and then withered. I noticed that it seems to blossom when things are good for me. I used to believe that everytime it bloomed it meant someone loved me. When Hurricane Wilma destroyed everything else, this little bush survived.

I've tried to save it. I've done all I could but it looks like it's officially dead. Not a hint of green on any stalk or stem.

I can't help but wonder if that has some cosmic meaning. If I always believed this bush represented the love and happiness in my life than it must mean something that it has now withered and died..

Which, coincidentally, is how I feel. Like I have withered and died. I feel like I am that rose bush.

Describing my sense of loneliness would be impossible. I can tell you that it is far more painful to feel this way surrounded by people than it would be to be alone on a desserted island. At least on the island, you are alone by force. I just feel alienated.

I've lost everyone (except Taylor). The people at work are nice and are "work friends" that I enjoy at work, but don't see beyond that. They're all about 10 years younger than I am. I don't have any other opportunity in my life to meet new people.

I don't go to church. Since it conflicts with my beliefs, I just can't bring myself to do it. I'd feel like a fraud - like an imposter.

I work two jobs and don't really have the free time to volunteer at something - which I'd actually enjoy doing - but money is priority one and working makes the money.

I work from home - alone - during the day.

I have been alone since Jeff and I split and it's been the longest, unhappiest 5 months of my life. I didn't even know a person could hurt this much.

Worst - being alone makes me feel sad and isolated. It makes me skittish of people in general. I am morphing into this ghost. I feel invisible. I think that if I disappeared entirely only Taylor would notice it at all.

As someone who was always the life of the party, the leader of the pack, the center of the attention and the spotlight grabber in the group - this is pretty drastic.

And I feel like it will be forever.

I'm anxious to get the pregnancy taken care of. There's zero possibility of carrying another baby to term. Two major miscarriages and my heart condition rule it out entirely. The only option is termination and truth-be-told even that's dangerous with my heart condition. But I can't medically do anything about it until at least the end of the month. Otherwise, I'd be there tomorrow.

I've really ruined my life. I'm open to starting a new one, but I just don't know how or where to even begin.

Brighter Discontent

2007-04-11T09:48:00.000-05:00

Is it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the attempted murder I witnessed last month?

Am I my mother's daughter and I'm bi-polar?

Is my heart just permanently broken and I'm destined to be sad?

Am I seriously clinically depressed?

Is it hormones from the pregnancy?

I don't know. One? Some? All of the above?

Whatever the answer, I think I am in deep trouble here. I am crying with whole body sobs for hours every day. I am beginning to feel like being a mother is an obligation that keeps me from being able to kill myself rather than a joy. It's hard to feel joy when I feel like I am not good enough for my daughter.

I've noticed that the new trend is self-esteem. I have decided that no one loves me (other than blood relatives who are 'supposed to') and further I have decided that I don't deserve to be loved - even by them. I'm old, I'm ugly, I'm stupid, I'm irresponsible, I'm lazy, slow, no personality...

I know it's time to call someone for help before this goes too far (or is it too far already?) but I just can't bring myself to pick up the phone.

Who would I call? A friend? I have none. A therapist? I can't afford one...and I mean I REALLY can't afford one.

Who would I call?

911?

I hate my life so much. I take full responsibility for how awful it is, but I can't fix it.

I'm drowning in my own shortcomings, failures, bad decisions and mistakes.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brighter Discontent
Artist or band: The Submarines
-----------------------------------------------
Got a brand new roof above my head
All the empty boxes thrown away
I rearranged the place
A hundred times today
But the ordering of objects
Couldn't hide what's missing

All these things should make me happy
Make me happy to be home again
All these things should make me happy
Make me happy to be alone again

Got myself a bottle of red wine
Got a night of nothing else to do
I think I might know
What I really want
But is a brighter discontent
The best that I could hope to find?

Got a big black television set
Now I can watch just what I want
But I'm here staring up
At pictures on the wall
And where are you,
You're still stuck inside them all

All these things should make me happy
Make me happy to be home again
All these things should make me happy
Make me happy to be alone again

But love is not these belongings
That surround me
Though there's meaning
In the memories they hold
A breaking heart in an empty apartment
Was the loudest sound I never heard

Got a desk I'll write myself a note
Pretending that it came from you
On hotel stationary
From the time we first met
Whatever I can do cause
I won't throw my hands up yet

All these things should make me happy
Make me happy to be home again
All these things should make me happy
Make me happy to be alone again

But love is not these belongings
That surround you
Though there's meaning
In the memories they hold
A breaking heart in an empty apartment
Was the loudest sound I never heard

Well I'll be fine ifI dont look around me now
Too much for what's gone
If only I can wait here just a little while
And let time pass in my room

I am Cursed

2007-04-09T11:33:00.000-05:00

I'm convinced I am cursed.

There seems to be no way in the world for me to "meet someone new" and the best advice I get is that it will happen when I am 'not looking'.

Super. Though the beauty is that I suppose I no longer am looking.

Meanwhile, the young cook at work is putting the hard press on me. He's ramping up his flirting and it's becoming a topic of conversation around the retaurant. People are actually beginning to whisper about it. Well, not whisper. They're loud about it. It's like being teased in the 5th grade all over again. Last night I had commented on Taylor spending the night at Brad's and the cook figured out I'd be home alone and did his damnedest to try to get me to invite him over.

I stuck to my guns and went home alone but I have to admit I had a couple moments where I almost wished I'd caved. Each time I would say "HE'S TWENTY-TWO" out loud and cure that little whim.

I'm not getting over Jeff. Between my own stupid heart and the stupid ironies of the world, I can not get him out of my life.

Yesterday he emailed me. In his email he said "I am getting my shit together and it feels like I am digging out of a hole, somtimes I slip and fall back in but I continue to inch up and out. It's a cycle that will probably continue for the rest of my life and as I told you. The less you worry about me, the better. Because I will give you plenty of reasons to worry and I don't want you to have that burden. My cycles last anywhere from 6 months to 5 years it seems, I don't control them, they control me. I don't know how to stop what I am doing, and most of the time I don't want to stop. Self destruction marks the downward spiral and entrepreneurial vision marks an upswing.

You have done more for me than anyone and I really appreciate it. Why you still talk to me is beyond me but I am grateful. I have never survived a down cycle and come through it with friends from before it on the other side. If you become that person, you will in fact be the only one. I have business associates that have avoided me during down times that are willing to jump in during upswings but no one that was just a friend last through one.

I don't have the benefit of drinking to understand why I am writing this to you."

It's not a major revelation to anyone but Jeff. You might remember that I often wrote that I was the only person who stood by him. I was the only person that loved him inspite of himself. I was the only one who ever cared enough to accept him. It no longer matters since he's burned the bridge between us, but I still stand on my side and watch him on his side. I have always known that I was the best thing for him. I always knew that no one else has or would stand beside him when he goes through his psycho/socio phases. I feel like I am somehow trapped in my own Dante's Inferno.

Everywhere I turn there he is. I turn on the TV and see his name on my television screen. (A popular HBO show features a character that has his full name). I open an email and he's there. My fabric softener smells like him (coincidence). Everything I see, touch, smell and hear brings him to mind. It's insane. Before Jeff and I were anything but co-workers - do you remember me blogging about the dreams? I had incredibly vivid dreams that seemed to foretell Jeff and I being in a relationship. I had them 5-6 times a week. I would wake up and cry because I felt like I was betraying Brad in my sleep. I hated the dreams because in them, I was in love with him - and when I woke I could still feel it. I still believe those dreams were a part of what drove me to Jeff. That and Hurricane Wilma's aftermath.

Between the dreams, the natural disasters that threw us together and all of the insane, crazy, cosmic crap that keeps putting Jeff and I together - somehow I suspect he and I really are meant for one another and that this is my life now...together, but not together. Loving him while he occasionally uses and hurts me. I feel trapped. I feel like I can't get free.

Sometimes I think he and I really are star-crossed soulmates. Sometimes I think he is Satan, himself, and that he's conjured mystical forces from day one to torment and abuse me.

I could end all communication but somehow I know something would happen to throw him back into my path again and again. Everytime I manage to stay away from him, it happens. Sometimes it's my fault. Sometimes it's his. Sometimes it's neither of us and just some strange twist of fate.

Oh yes, and the fact that I am pregnant with his child isn't helping. I'm sick every morning. I'm eating like a starved pig. I'm sensitive to evry smell. When nausea hits only food will settle my stomach for a bit. I'm exhausted 24-7. I'm highly emotional. I skipped my period that was due March 20thish. My breasts are tender. I urinate every 20 minutes. When I brush my teeth, my gums bleed.

I'm not healthy enough to carry a pregnancy so this ends one of two ways. I miscarry or I terminate.

My life is still such a mess.

Yes, the pregnancy was stupidity on my part - but honestly - when I WANTED to try to get pregnant it was impossible. It took 8 years to conceive. I've had 3 miscarriages. The odds of me getting pregnant the scant handful of times I caved and slept with Jeff are inconceivable (heh, ironic word choice - don't you think?)

When I lived with Jeff we had sex on average 1 time a day for 7 days a week. Nothing during that time.

So now...?????

Really???? The gods are laughing at me.

So, of course I feel more alone than ever. I feel like I am just falling apart.

I'm mad at myself. Mad at the fates.

Last night, I watched Desperate Housewives and at the end there was a scene with Edie where she strips naked in front of Carlos and basically tells him she is bare before him and wants a chance to be someone other than the woman everyone sees.

I cried. And I mean I cried. I sobbed for a good hour.

There are so many changes that need to happen in my life that I am at a loss for where to even begin. Sometimes I feel like it's so screwed up, so tangled and twisted and damaged that I can never get it all straightened out. Sometimes I feel like I should just give up entirely.

I hate myself right now for the mess I have made of my life.

I really do. And frankly, I expect every one of you to hate me as well. Don't even bother with the comments on this one...if you're going to tell me that I am an asshole - I already know it. If you're going to offer sympathy or support - I don't deserve it.

Hanging

2007-04-06T11:13:00.000-05:00

I know I haven't posted much lately. I haven't been feeling well. I'm dealing with it.

I'm feeling sick and run-down and exhausted. I'm also feeling alone. Jeff invited me over to talk and I bsaically wrote him back and told him I was no less alone with him then without him and declined. At least I seem to have learned something. Using Jeff as a band-aid so I don't feel lonely is a very temporary solution that usually does more harm than good.

Money is very, very tight right now with the move so recent and I'm trying hard to keep my budget tight. Easter's going to take a chunk but...what can you do?

Brad's spending less time with Taylor now. He had her stay home alone when I worked Wednesday night and it went fine. I'm in a gated community - with that handy burglar alarm system - and she is mature enough to handle it. I think he's relieved because he really has been practically babysitting non-stop and I understand that. The downside is that Taylor is wondering why she's not with Dad. She was hoping to see him but he's been evasive about it. At this point he won't see her until Easter Sunday evening because his parents have dinner.

It's fine with me. It's not as if I have plans and need a babysitter. I don't mind her being here. But I think it's bothering her.

Can You Spare a Dime?

2007-04-03T12:26:00.000-05:00

So - with my new place comes added financial responsibilities. I'm working hard at 2 jobs and still trying to be the best mom I can be.

Having said that - I have added a section to my sidebar of "My Extra Income" sources. These are all banners of programs that I already do to earn money but apparently I can increase my earnings if other people join under me as a referral.

So, please consider it :) I would suggest you do what I do and create a separate 'free' email address to join under to avoid cluttering your inbox.

All the programs I list are programs that I do actually actively use. I have earned cash, gift cards and other 'rewards' from every one that I list. Most are simple clicks or purchases - for example, if I need to send flowers for my father's company or if I need to purchase ink for my printer I try to buy it through one of the partner sites of the rewards programs that I use. I get a good deal and usually earn points-per-dollar.

So--- my internet 'pan-handling' request is that you sign up for some of these as well. I'll be adding more all the time.

Thanks :)

Hello New Life

2007-04-02T10:56:00.000-05:00

There's a double entendre in my subject line...I wonder if you guessed it. I suppose I should have known there would be consequences...

First, hello new life! I'm (mostly) settled in with the exception of unpacking. I return to work tonight and I am really enjoying my new place.

I got a series of phone calls from Jeff this morning. Interesting since we've not really spoken lately and when we have it's been tense at best. His car broke down and he needed to know where I thought he should take it. I gave him my mechanic's name and phone number and then got a follow up call asking me to pick him up there. I did and got the follow up favor request to borrow my truck for a bit (technically his truck, so no real "no" was possible) - he had a job interview to go to.

Intriguing that he still comes to me when he needs help. I often feel like saying "Hey, you decided that you didn't need me in your life - so STOP NEEDING ME".

In other news, it looks like I have a date in the near future. Yes, I am going to go on a date. It's sort of a blind date, although we spoke on the phone for a few hours last night. He seems really nice and his pictures are pretty cute. He owns his own small business and we had a lot in common. He is fresh (3 months) out of a bad break-up of his own that seemed similar to mine with Jeff. His girlfriend has some sort of brain injury that affected her personality in ways like Jeff's mental illness affects him. He'd been hurt too. He has a 26 month old son and is active in his son's life. The baby is in Boston, but he travels every 6 weeks or so to see him. I have to admit there was a minor connection over the phone, so it might be a nice date. He lives about an hour away from me and is as busy as I am, so it's 'safe' too in that he's not 'too close'. His name is John and ...we'll see.

As far as my double entendre goes - ironic, really. Damnedest thing.

Home Sweet Home

2007-04-01T10:44:00.000-05:00

Well - every muscle in my body is in pain and I'm tired but we're in!

The first night wasn't quite the bliss I had imagined, to say the least.

Taylor and I used a dolly and our brains and brawn to successfully move huge amounts of things and spent the entire night unpacking our kitchen. They were HEAVY but we figured ways to use the dolly as a sort of ramp and managed fine (and were proud!)

Around midnight, we collapsed (exhausted) into heaps on the bedroom floor with pillows and blankets to get a good nights sleep for the BIG move the next day.

Around 12:30 am, the power flickered and the lights went out. The house filled with a screaming siren and we both nearly went into heart failure. Apparently we have a built in burglar alarm system. This lasted for about 45 seconds.

It happened again at 1:40, 2:15, 3:47, 4:27, 6:19 and 7:27 am.

We had no sleep. Each time we achieved REM we were torn from it by all hell breaking loose.

I already have a phone call into the realtor.

Moving day was tense. I was exhausted, my sister and her fiance were hung over and Brad was fighting the flu. Everyone was cranky. Still, we managed to unload the last piece of furniture by 6:45 pm and everyone fled.

I spent the night moving furniture and unpacking what I could. I did manage to cook a small meal and take a bath. I slept like the dead.

Today will be more unpacking.

I'm broke, tired and aching - but content.

The old house was hollow and empty when I left it. I took everything. Jeff came home to his own belongings - a big screen tv in an empty living room, a bed, a desk and his boy's bunkbeds. I took every plate, every cup, every fork.

It was all mine.

I know him well enough to know that this will depress him. I almost feel bad about it.

But for now, I am busy settling in. I have a lot of work ahead of me to get this place settled and then to get back to work to replenish my now empty bank account.

But, I'm home.

Guess what???

2007-03-29T19:43:00.000-05:00

I have keys... :)

I have my place! It's so sweet! I love it!

Now if only my furniture would move itself...

Warp Speed ENGAGE!!!

2007-03-29T10:20:00.000-05:00

Man...

I need to engage my warp speed. Or clone myself.

I have 5 billion things to do at one time and I am trying like hell to keep it all in line.

I move this weekend. Tonight will officially be my last night in this house.

You don't even know...you can't even imagine...

After 4 months of sharing a tiny, cramped, messy room with my daughter - of inhaling dust, dirt and 3-packs a day of smoke - after doing my laundry in a tiny 1 hour time slot during the day, after not cooking for 4 months, after rushed showers in a leaking bathroom, after sleeping on a cot, after being confined in this space ---

My own place.

Mine.

There aren't words.

I half expect to hear angels sing when I turn that key in the lock the first time. I expect a ray of light to shoot from the heavens and illuminate me as I cross MY threshold.

I'm beyond exhausted. I've worked all day, all night and then packed after. I'm averaging 4 hours of sleep. My body is sore.

But it's worth it...

I want to know how it's going to feel. I want to know if I will be happier. I want to know if I will feel better.

Shoo!

2007-03-28T07:29:00.000-05:00

"Go play with someone your own age," I told him when he flirted heavily with me again at work.

He's 22. He has bedroom eyes, a bad-boy personna and he can make me blush faster than anyone I know. If he were 8 years older I'd have an eye on this one.

"I like older women," he told me.

I shot him a middle finger.

Later when I was lugging empty boxes out of the restaurant he raised an eyebrow.

"I'm moving this weekend," I reminded him.

"Ooooh, right. Right by me, aren't you?"

He's right. He'll be around the corner from me. His parents own a small mansion in a community next to mine.

"Maybe I'll come by sometime?" he said.

"Sure, my daughter has PlayStation," I shot back as I left.

Twenty-two. I know there are those who think a 'boy toy' is just what I need, but I can't be that person. I'm not interested in casual sex, I'm not interested in someone so much younger and I'm not going to play with this co-worker because that never ends well. A boy who still turns pale at the idea of children - while I am a single mom. A boy who still lives with his parents. A boy.

It's a shame because he's really yummy, but I'm going to pass.

I'm exhausted now. I went to the Weston house to pack my kitchen last night after work. Jeff wasn't there. I packed several boxes before I noticed I was practically asleep on my feet, so I headed back home and crashed. I have to do it again tonight.

I really hope this move happens. Money is SO tight.

I keep wondering - will I be happier when I move? What if I get there and I am still so miserable? What then?

Just Blue

2007-03-27T08:27:00.000-05:00

After such an incredible night, you wouldn't think I could feel blue today, would you?

But I do.

In ways, last night was like a brutal therapy.

First of all, if you aren't familiar with Blue October you really are missing out. I have never in my life been a huge fan of any one particular group but I am a devotee of B.O. And their current album Foiled is practically a diary of my relationship with Jeff - in some of the most eerie ways.

The lead singer and songwriter, Justin, has battled mental problems, depression and addictions for most of his life. You only have to hear a song to hear Jeff's 'inner voice' speaking and even Jeff himself admits that the songs resonate in him. "I could have written these," he says.

So it was a little hard to re-experience it all. When they closed with Hate Me, a song Jeff still dedicates to me, I had tears on my cheeks. The songs speaks of a tormented man who admits that a woman has been there for him and understood him and begs her to learn to hate him in order to "see what's good" for herself and to prevent him from hurting her again. Jeff and I may get along fine now, but he still seems to wish I would just hate him and disappear even when he puts himself in my path. It's a sort of "save yourself from me" ballad.

Although the lead singer, Justin, and Jeff could be described as one and the same personality-wise. Justin has managed to marry and is expecting his first child. When I spoke with him last night, one woman approached him and asked if she could kiss his cheek and he said "No, I'm married."

Jeff would have never said that.

I drove home alone and I wondered if anyone would ever love me again. I cried some more.

Love has always held a front and center role in my life. I consider it to be of the greatest importance. I consider life without it to be meaningless. A life without love isn't a life at all.

But will I ever love or be loved again?

It's been nearly 5 months and I still cry every day. I think it's safe to say that I am not getting over this.

On my MySpace page, I had an email from a 31 year old man in Greece. He emailed me to say "It's terrible that such a sexy woman is so unhappy". He wrote that based on one - and only one - blog entry I posted where I wrote "Everything hurts" and nothing more.

I'm not so sure about the sexy part, but the unhappy part is true enough.

I am empty. I am lost without a partner to love and anchor me. I feel like I am dying without someone to share my life with. Even as I wrote that, I am surprised by how true it is - that's what this all feels like to me...a slow death. Like a piece of me dies every day.

Working two jobs and playing single mother leaves me no time to go out and meet anyone - and I wouldn't know where to begin anyway. Online dating is not for me - it's tacky and kills the romance of it all.

My life is passing me up daily and I am trapped in a life that can't afford me the luxury of love.

It's only my daughter that keeps me alive at all. If not for her, I would have killed myself a while ago.

How Was My Night?

2007-03-26T23:20:00.000-05:00

Hmmm...

Imagine your #1 favorite band of all time.

Now imagine you're at a private party for them. There's only about 80 people there. You're 4 feet away from your FAVORITE lead singer for an entire concert. There's eye contact (he's awesome at making eye contact in his shows).

Later, after the show you are sitting on the sidewalk and the bass player comes out and asks you for a light. You chat. In a few more minutes you have chatted with every member of the band.

Then wrap your night up hugging the lead singer you are madly in love with.

Add a blurry picture and you're done.

It may be blurry, but this is my favorite picture of all time now...me and Justin Furstenfeld of Blue October...

Blue Monday

2007-03-26T10:08:00.000-05:00

No, I'm not feeling blue - I'm actually feeling just fine.

I've posted before about my absolutely favorite band - Blue October. Serendipity - I got an email Sunday inviting me to a FREE concert tonight by Blue October at a local nightclub. They added my name to the guest list and I'm all set! I'm beyond thrilled. This is the same band I drove 400 miles to see in January.

I was scheduled to work tonight but Mondays are devastatingly slow nights. I was able to give my shift away and I'm excited to spend my night adoring Justin Furstenfeld (lead singer).

In other news - not much. Nothing of note is going on in my life. All the focus is on my move this Friday.

I mentioned a few posts back this guy (Brian) who I kept running into online and how we'd discussed meeting up. Well, not quite. Brian has just gone back to his ex-wife for the 4th time. I had no plans to date the guy, but it's still not looking too bright to further communicate with him either. So...seeya, Brian - and good luck!

My Looking Glass

2007-03-25T10:04:00.000-05:00

I went to a midnight movie last night with some girls from work and we had a great time. We saw Premonition - which was...difficult. Ultimately, it was a fine time, but it was slow, hard-to-follow and was disappointing in general.

That's the least of it.

My body aches from working so much. I've worked non-stop and I'm sore. I've picked up shifts and now I won't have a night off until moving day - but the money is critical now. You do what you have to do, right? This is what I have to do to get this roof over our heads.

I had a dream about Brad. I was stranded on an island a la "Lost" with a group of my co-workers and Brad was there. We'd infiltrated "the others" camp and been captured. One "other" revealed to me a way off the island - but when I tried to round up my co-workers they were like lost sheep - dazed and distracted and unable to really keep up. I ran across Brad who was trying to coach a ball game. I walked up to him and kissed him. Then I left.

I had an interesting conversation with Jeff over the past few days.

Once, he said to me "I'm a bad habit" - to which I replied "and I will kick you" and he said "then I will just be someone else's bad habit."

"Probably," I told him.

I am working on it.

The problem in my life is this. I feel like I have two men in my life, and two men only. Brad and Jeff. One who doesn't care about me, but pretends he does and one who 'supposedly' does care about me and pretends he doesn't. Ultimately, I am stressed, struggling to make ends meet and deal with traumas and fears and I feel very much alone.

One man pushes me away. One man opens the door to me everytime. When I desperately need someone to be there for me - only one man shows up time and time again. When I need to be held, when I need to feel connected to something, when I need company - only one man lets me in.

It's just that it's the wrong man again and again.

I'm stuck. I have no time in my frantic schedule to go out and meet new men. I have no desire to take on a 22-year old "boy toy" lover who is also a co-worker that I'd have to face regularly. I have no interest in the magic-less world of online dating. I have no way out of this box I am inside of and most of the time I feel like emotionally I am stranded on that deserted island with two men...one who pushes me away and one who lets me in.

So, it's of small consequence usually that the one who lets me in is only using me right back in those moments.

I have actually had some clarity. So, while it seems like I've made no progress, I actually have had some realizations that are ultimately good ones.

I do want someone so badly in my life - and I do feel like I can not move on so long as I am trapped on my deserted island with only two men. But just like the survivors on Lost I am without the means to escape it for the moment.

But I would really like to.

A Step Away

2007-03-24T14:37:00.000-05:00

I had a strange sort of realization last night. Something that I thought I wanted very much fell into my hands and I realized that it was an illusion. I didn't want it as much as I thought I did. In fact, I didn't really even like it.

It's made me realize that I have some things to put into perspective. I'm not sure how to do it - but maybe the realization was a start.

Truthfully - I think I am torn between relieved and disappointed.

Questions in the Dark

2007-03-23T00:54:00.000-05:00

He asked me what I was thinking - in a way that sounded like he actually cared.

I lied. I said I was thinking about the ceiling fan I had painted.

I should have told him the truth. That I don't tell people what I am thinking anymore.

I could tell he was thinking himself.

I told him I didn't want to know what he was thinking.

It was the most honest thing I could have said.

Recovering

2007-03-22T11:53:00.000-05:00

I continue to feel a bit better even though the signs of stress and depression are on me. I'm dying to sleep all day and not sleep at all during the night.

I'm feeling better day by day about the stabbing last weekend too. I think the closer bond we're all sharing at work has really made a difference.

Last night, Jeff was out of town and due back late at night. When I picked Taylor up, I took a moment to spend an hour in the house just reading and relaxing while she played with her friends. The house smelled awful and I lit a candle just to be able to breathe. He'd left dirty dishes all over the place and something was rotting away. Still, it was nice to relax there. I remember looking around and thinking "I was happy here" with a touch of sadness.

The counselor encourages us to go to a happy place in our mind when the memories of the stabbing surface. I didn't know how to tell her that I can't go back to my happy place.

Brad accepted an invite to join Taylor and I for a quick dinner. He was still standoffish but he went.

It made me shake my head...two men. One who doesn't care about me, but is great at pretending that he does and one who supposedly does care about me but is great at pretending he doesn't.

I was just about to hit bed when I remembered the candle. Did I blow it out? I have a terrible habit of forgetting...I was sure I had left it burning. I cursed and swore for a bit and then after I put Taylor to bed I headed back.

When I arrived, Jeff was home. I cursed and swore some more and then called him to say I was out front. He had me come in and we sat and watched TV for a bit. We're a fan of most of the same shows, so it was comfortable and relaxing to just hang out that way. He sat close and sprawled across the couch in a way to be sure he leaned against me.

He hugged me when I left. It made me think back to earlier in the night...I went to hug Brad (who had his arms folded) and he kept them folded as I hugged him.

It feels like there are already two men that I love in my life - how could there ever be room for someone new? The trouble is that neither man can love me back.

I really wish I had someone special in my life.

Speaking of - there's a bizarre online thing going on for me right now.

About two months ago, a guy contacted me on MySpace and for some odd reason we began to chat - I almost NEVER chat online with people. He'd been through much the same as me and was broken up and we connected right away on a friends level. We talked about meeting for lunch someday and then he and his wife tried (unsuccessfully) to reconcile.

Over the past two months, this guy (Brian) and I keep bumping into one another online. He stumbled on my old Yahoo Personals ad. I accidentally came across his new MySpace page. With billions of people online - we have accidentally (without looking) run across each other dozens of times.

He's local and we're both interested in friends only talk. No friends-with-benefits, no romance, nothing more than friends. I think we may finally meet up since we ended up in contact again last night. It just strikes me as odd the way he keeps turning up.

He's still hung up on his wife, just as I am still hung up on the men in my life. I'm sure we'll have much to talk about...

The restaurant I work in plays country music all night - this song keeps running through my head:

Ain't it just like one of us to pick up the phone
and call after a couple drinks
And say: "How you been?
I been wonderin' if maybe you've been thinkin' 'bout me."

And somewhere in the conversation,
an old familiar invitation always arrives,

And I may hate myself in the morning,
but I'm gonna love you tonight.

Everyone's known someone
that they just can't help but want;
And even though we just can't make it work out,
well the want-to lingers on.
So once again we wind up in each other's arms,
pretending that it's right,

And I may hate myself in the morning,
but I'm gonna love you tonight.

I know it's wrong,
but it ain't easy moving on.
So why can't two friends
remember the good times once again?

Tomorrow when I wake up,
be feeling a little guilty,
and a little sad,
Thinkin' how it used to be
before everything went bad.

And I guess that's what it is,
in lonely late night calls like this,
that we try to find;

And I may hate myself in the morning,
but I'm gonna love you tonight.
I may hate myself in the morning,
but I'm gonna love you tonight.

Slow

2007-03-21T12:23:00.000-05:00

I did finally speak to a counselor at the EAP (Employee Assistance Program) yesterday and found it a waste of time. She was nice, but I really didn't need a stranger telling me "Just remember to eat, sleep and exercise".

Huh?

I've barely eaten. I can't sleep and exercise? Just not up to it.

What did help was another story. My restaurant held a 3:00 meeting with anyone who wanted to talk and our General Manager.

I wasn't sure who would show - but a handful of us did. We all agreed that we felt closer. Some of us cried. The Manager in Training - now a new hire manager for us told us his version of events. He was the one who pulled Javi off of Lamar and basically saved Lamar's life. He's probably the most shaken of us.

It helped to talk this way and my General Manager expressed his concerns for me. He'd heard I'd been down. At the end, he hugged me.

I worked last night and my 'real' help began. Tuesdays are my favorite nights. We have a good mix of staff and we all like working together on Tuesdays. I found myself enjoying the night - laughing with co-workers, teasing others, flirting with the 22-year old cook who can make me blush in a wink and best of all I made good money. I only had 6 tables all night but every check was $100 or more and I made $100 in tips.

So, last night - I slept.

My next major hurdle is this move. I'm unfortunately counting on a large chunk of money that is supposed to be direct deposited into my bank on Friday. If it doesn't hit I wil panic because I'll be almost $900 short. If it DOES hit I will be relieved beyond words.

So, now I wait.

I have a meeting with the Homeowner's Association in an hour or two to review the rules of the community.

I think that once Friday passes, I will be relieved and ready to move ahead. Right now I am still just a ball of stress.

And still lonely.

Falling Apart Again

2007-03-20T11:33:00.000-05:00

I'm unfocused. I'm stressed to the maximum of what I can tolerate. This morning I blew my top on Taylor because she did something stupid and irresponsible.

After I dropped her off, I called the Employee Assistance Program hotline to talk to someone. They said someone would call me back, but when they did it was 30 minutes later and I was already at work and could not talk then.

My fuse is lit and I feel like I am falling apart. The pressure on me is so heavy and intense that I can't breathe. I'm supposed to move in 10 days and the HOA has been completely unresponsive to my approval process. I'm tired from work. I'm stressed from the crisis. I'm feeling VERY alone. I'm deeply depressed and barely want to go on.

I know that the incident triggered much of this in me.

I've walked around feeling like it should have been me.

I'm tired, used, broken down, unhappy and alone. It should have been me who was killed (or the victim of the attempted murder) rather than some young new father with a wife and a happy life.

PTSD at it's finest, folks.

I'm Not Sleeping

2007-03-19T07:16:00.000-05:00

Somehow the memories of what I saw and heard Saturday night are intensifying for me. In my head I can still hear the screams of "He's stabbing him! He's stabbing him!" and now, when I hear it in my head, I get a full body tremor.

I'm having trouble sleeping.

I did go back to work last night. It was slow - not a lot of people anxious to eat at a crime scene where an employee stabbed another employee over and over with a huge knife.

The interaction between the staff was different. Closer. We'd all been through the same thing. None of us had slept much. There were hugs. There was a LOT of talking - they're really encouraging us to talk to each other and the managers, just not the tables. People recounted what they saw or heard. Most of it was the same. It just depended on where you were in the restaurant.

I was somewhat in the middle of lucky and unlucky. I was lucky to have been in the front section of the kitchen. I heard everything from immediately before to during to after and I froze. I had been heading to the exact spot this happened. Apparently I saw Lamar (the man who was stabbed over 10 times) staggering towards me and somehow I have entirely blocked that memory from my mind. The human mind is a fascinating thing. Apparently there were only 3 of us in the front "alley" of the kitchen at that moment - Kayla, my sister and me and when Lamar tried to flee the kitchen covered in 10+ stab wounds (4 in the neck) and blood running off of him like a river - my sister began to approach him and I yelled at her "Come away from there! Sara! Come away from there!" and she turned and saw me shaking violently and she raced to me. Lamar went back into the kitchen and I never remember seeing him, but I do remember that suddenly there was massive pools of blood on the floor in front of me and I had no idea how they got there. I stood for what seemed like hours staring at the blood and shaking.

I'm getting worked up just writing it all now.

The news reports that the stabbing followed an argument. That's a lie. We all unanimously agree on that. Javi - the man who did the stabbing - is a quiet, sweet and pleasant 43 year old family man. He was apparently having marital problems. Lamar (the victim) apparently passed him and dropped a bag that fell and bumped Javi's foot and Javi picked up the largest meat-cutting knife we have (think Psycho knife) and just began to stab Lamar over and over.

I heard yelling. I heard crashing as pots, pans and the meat slicer fell to the ground with Lamar. I heard someone yell "He's stabbing him! He's stabbing him!" and I heard Lamar saying "What did I do? What did I do?"

Javi was pulled off of him after Lamar had been stabbed over 10 times, 4 times in the neck. How Lamar is alive right now is a fucking miracle. Lamar had a baby 3 weeks ago with his wife.

Javi was locked in the managers office where he sat quietly and dazed waiting for the police. Towels and linens were held on Lamar and they shouted at him to keep him conscious.

Half my co-workers were covered in blood. There was so much blood. My manager's pants were soaked and stained, employee shirts were spattered and stained and the floor...the floor was pools of it.

I didn't go in the back. I didn't see how much blood was back there. I'm told it was bad.

I have to admit that I feel like I am hanging on by a thread. I am so shaken and upset and confused and afraid. I know Javi is in jail, but I keep thinking that if I bump someone they could stab me to death. I'm afraid. I'm traumatized.

Drama does seem to follow me. You have to be asking if I am making this shit up. I am not. As hard as it is for even me to believe - I am not making this up. I wish to god I was. I wish this was some elaborate story I made up and that I wasn't sitting here shivering and feeling like my body could split into a million pieces any second.

The local reaction got under my skin. The news story in the Sun-Sentinel allows pepole to post comments and they ranged from tasteless jokes to racist remarks on "spics and spooks" and the scum bags that work in the kitchens.

Not our kitchen. I love my co-workers.

I am not angry at Javi. I don't think I am afraid of him although when they led him past me in cuffs, I almost put myself through a wall backing away. Javi has kids and I am worried about his family. Javi just snapped and after what I have been through myself, I think that I can understand. I wish I knew he had been having problems. I wish I had had a chance to talk to him about how many times I felt that same feeling of losing my mind only to hang on to my daughter to keep myself together. I wish I could have told him to do that. I wish I could have helped. I wish I had not been frozen in fear. I wish I could have stopped him. I wish I could have saved Lamar. I wish I could have saved everyone who is feeling like I am right now. My friends...my co-workers - the people I spend almost every night with...they're all hurting too and none of us know what the fuck to do.

I do seem to experience life-changing trauma after trauma, don't I? Roofs falling on my head in the middle of hurricanes, losing babies, dating sociopaths...and that's just in the past 2-3 years. Don't get me started on my childhood.

Am I jinxed? Am I drawing these things to me? Am I a danger to people?

I have so many thoughts - all so scattered. I am so screwed up right now.

Let's Play "Who Had the Worst Night Tonight"...

2007-03-18T00:06:00.000-05:00

I went to work tonight in a good mood, prepared to make a lot of money.

I didn't expect to be a witness to an attempted homicide. I didn't expect to go into shock staring at a bloody floor. I didn't expect to be giving statements to police.

I walked into the kitchen and everything was normal. I had 3 tables. Suddenly, there was a commotion from the cooks area just out of my line of sight that sounded like yelling and pots and pans crashing. I froze. I heard someone scream "He's stabbing him, he's stabbing him!"

I stayed frozen. I had no idea what was happening. I didn't know if a customer had gone back there or if a madman had run in or what...

I shit you not, tonight at work, a fellow employee picked up a gigantic knife and stabbed another employee in the neck 4 times for no apparent reason. Both men are nice, sweet, quiet and long-time guys.

The details are a bit like flashes from a bad dream. I remember the sounds. I remember seeing my general manager covered in blood yelling to call 911. I remember going to my tables not knowing what the fuck to say to them. Gee, your orders going to be a bit longer - we're down two cooks?

The police came and locked down the restaurant. They had every patron leave. One lady actually had a heart attack and more paramedics were called. In retrospect, it's astonishing that I did not have one myself. They shut us down for the night. We were all interviewed and then released.

The moment they locked us down I walked up front and saw Brad and Taylor outside. They were coming to eat and see me. I went outside and hugged them and filled them in and told them to leave.

When I left the restaurant, I was still in shock. I still am now.

I can't believe this was my night. This is too surreal for words.

The Deceivers

2007-03-16T09:16:00.000-05:00

Brad may be the writer, but I have to admit that I have many times wished I could write a book. I have the story, the title and the tragic plot twists but whenever I have sat in front of a blank Microsoft Word page, I just go blank on how to even begin it.

MWCB's comments in my last post were somewhat on the mark. I have to disagree with his thinking Brad wants me and I don't want him. The truth is that he doesn't want me. He did once but he got over it. No matter how skilled a man might be at hiding his feelings, I can't imagine that some hint wouldn't slip through and Brad is like a brick wall that I have run up against. As for me wanting him, I have many times thought I do...or might...but because our relationship is probably the most important one in my life I have (for once in my life) tread lightly and wanted to be able to be sure about exactly what I felt before I voiced that to him and he has denied me any opportunity to find out. I think if I spent time with him alone, either that old chemistry would resurface and shine....or not. Without that time, it's irrelevant. It's a mystery I can't solve and it's too important to 'guess' at.

I would call my book The Deceivers and it would ultimately serve as a warning to anyone who loves.

My characters would include:

Brad, the steadfast but somewhat irresponsible writer who cherishes his family but loses himself in his own failures just long enough to turn to another woman through the safety of the internet...ultimately changing the dynamics of the family he loves. A tiny slip, an error in judgement, a small opening in his life to an outside predator and he becomes a deceiver.

Christine, the follow-your-heart dreamer who cherishes her family but has great frustration with Brad's lack of responsibility and motivation and is changed and hurt by his indiscretion to the point that she later loses her own heart to the interloper and becomes a deceiver herself.

Jeff. the professional con-artist sociopath who is lost in himself and sees Brad and Christine's marriage as a symbol of his own romantic failures and decides to destroy it and take it for his own - forgetting that he can never be the other half of a perfect match because of his own inner demons. One true partner does not a 'partnership' make. Jeff would be the master deceiver.

So far, the story only chronicles the lasting pain of decisions made for the wrong reasons and all three end up lost and alone.

I'd really like my story to have a happy ending, but I can't imagine introducing a 4th character to my story to give my heart to and find that elusive happy-ever-after ending - and the Hollywood twist to make every reader swoon would ultimately have to be Brad and Christine finding one another again and I just don't see that as being possible.

Still, maybe someday I will write it and create my own fictitious ending. The only problem is that it would be like reliving it all and would hurt so much.

But you have to admit...a work of fiction that links back to my blogs of the past 3 years would be interesting reading.

If only I knew how to write...

Right now, the blank Microsoft Word page just haunts me like an impending surgery that I am not sure I will survive.

Explaining/Exploring

2007-03-15T07:27:00.000-05:00

The details of yesterday are a little clearer now - for you anyway. I was too upset to explain myself well yesterday.

Basically, Brad called me and I knew right away that there was a 'tone'. He asked me why the hell I was going to Jeff's house every night. I asked him where he was getting this information and he wouldn't say.

He told me he felt like a chump helping watch Taylor while I worked so much and I was running off to see Jeff. I corrected him in that at no time has he ever watched Taylor while I was at Jeff's house. The only times I went was after work when Taylor was asleep, in bed and under my stepfather's supervision.

He seemed to be under the impression that I was moving back to be with Jeff. I was stunned by this one. That's not even on the scope of reality.

We argued everything from past to present. I told him I had questioned my feelings for him and that I had extended him no less than 497 invitations to try to get to spend time with him and figure out my feelings...all of which he declined. He said "Well, you have to understand..." and I said that I did understand perfectly. He didn't owe me anything and I know I hurt him and I was his Jeff. I get it.

The most important point I tried to make was this...

I work no less than 80 hours a week. I wake at 6 am Monday through Friday to drive my daughter 1 hour round trip to her old school. I get home by 8 am just in time to start work. Usually I am 5-10 minutes late and I get yelled at every single day for it.

At 4:15 pm I take the world's fastest shower and hope my day job phone doesn't ring during that time. If I miss a call, I get yelled at.

At 5 pm, I race at top speed out of the house to drive 30 minutes to my night job. I am always exactly 7 minutes late. I never get yelled at for it. I do my hair and make-up in the car at red lights.

At 5:30 I begin my 2nd job (ok, 5:37) where for 4.5 hours I run around refilling drinks, taking orders, bussing tables and trying to charm my tables into a 20%+ tip. No matter how tired I am, I must always be smiling and cheery and witty. My tables can never know that I am starving while I serve them prime rib.

Somewhere between 10:30 and 11 I am finally done. I finish up and leave. On an average night, I go home where I stumble up stairs and trip over 37 things in my bedroom in the dark. I typically manage to peel off my socks and my shirt and sleep in my bra and my work pants.

Then I wake up and do it again. And again. And again.

When I have time to think, I hurt. You honestly can't imagine how isolated I feel or how much I need someone to just hug me or kiss me or even just talk to me and make me laugh.

I have no time to 'meet' people. I did make the decision not to date anyone right now. I don't even want to consider introducing a new person into my circus life.

So, when Jeff was emailing me and when he asked me to come by - I went. Partly out of curiousity. When he rubbed my back it was the most amazing gift....I hadn't been touched in many months and my back is always sore.

When we talked, we laughed.

When we kissed, I melted.

When he hugged me, it was like clinging to life.

Essentially the very "evil" Jeff managed to provide some very basic and essential touches that I was withering and dying without. For a few days I didn't have to feel lonely anymore. I even laughed real laughs. I can't deny it - it was fun.

I needed it so much.

Brad tried to describe his own loneliness and I had to correct him...he had his family giving him FULL support. He had his friends - many of them - vying for time with him. His social life took off because he was suddenly free to go party and play. Mine withered and died because I work 7 days a week.

So, it fucking pisses me off that he would dare to judge me. What exactly did he have to be angry about. He doesn't want me - he made it clear and I do not blame him. He doesn't want me to bring Jeff back into our daughter's life (an opinion I have ALWAYS fully agreed with and have abided by - my daughter has no idea I've even spoken to Jeff) and he doesn't want me reconciling with Jeff (no worries, Jeff dates other women and does not date me).

I recognize how pathetic the situation is. I truly do. I am seeking whatever comfort I can and the only person who offered it is Jeff.

Truth be told, the sex was secondary. It was just being kissed, touched, having my back rubbed or talking that lit me up inside and made me feel semi-alive again and human instead of robotic and exhausted.

It eased some pain for me. I was able to be more cheerful. I was able to feel better.

You know what really was the best? The night I just curled up on the couch beside Jeff and cried. I cried for a million reasons - being tired, afraid, stressed and drained. He didn't make me talk. He didn't lecture me on how strong I need to be. He just stroked my hair and let me cry and when I was done, he hugged me.

I have been strong. I have pushed myself harder than ever before in my life. But, damnit, I needed someone to let me just feel something - anything - again and the only person who seemed to understand that was Jeff.

My family is not supportive. My dad is my daytime boss. He screams at me for 8 hours a day for everything - things the other employees or customers do, for being 10 minutes late, for leaving at 5 when he feels like I should work nights (for free) for him instead...my mother is consistantly absent, my sister is busy with her wedding next month and my best friend is in North Carolina and dealing with her own drama.

Did I mention I was exhausted? I keep losing weight. It doesn't matter that I eat nothing but crap on the run. I bought black pants for work a couple of weeks ago and the damned things are already too big. They're a size 8. I needed a new work uniform shirt and I had to take a 'medium' (my breasts are still large enough to require a medium MINIMUM) over my usual 'large'. I'll likely be a size 6 in a few more weeks. Through no effort. Considering I was a size 14 when this started...it's a lot. You would think I would be ecstatic but I am just tired of buying new clothes that I can not afford.

I know that playing with Jeff is like playing with fire. Believe me, I know. But when you are shivering and bone-cold, fire can be mighty handy at warming you up and I needed it.

I still do, but I have made the decision on my own to move past Jeff. I can't swear I won't go back to his house for comfort some night. I can't swear I won't sleep with him again.

Ultimately, the decision and all of it's consequences are mine and mine alone. ALONE. A word I am coming to know well.

Stage 2

2007-03-14T15:05:00.000-05:00

Anger has set in.

Fuck you.

Here's the deal. I screwed up my marriage by falling in love with a professional con artist who made me believe in the moon and stars. Karma hit hard and I got what I deserved and I have been punished.

But enough is enough.

I'm sick of the people around me who expect me to be so strong. I'm not always so strong and you've only made it feel like I let you down when I cry. I try to be strong, but I am lonely and scared and full of pain and no one has a right to expect me to just get over it.

Yes, I went to Jeff. I was lonely and he let me in. For about a week and a half that makes him the ONE fucking person in my life who reached out to me.

Brad behaved like I had cheated on him all over again. He forgets that I reached out to him and was denied (rightfully so) yet he blames me for enjoying the ONE brief period of attention anyone paid to me.

My Texan commenter blames me for feeling anything at all.

Look, I get up - I work. I finish and go to work AGAIN. I come home. I sleep. I spend time with my daughter, I work my ass off to provide for us -but somewhere SOMEHOW I deserve to have someone pay attention to ME. Someone to care how MY day was or to invite ME to talk or hang out.

So, I did it. I enjoyed every damned minute of something I had been STARVING for. I called it off because of my own reasons, but I don't have to explain it or justify it to ANYONE.

I spent the holidays alone. I spend every fucking day alone. Other than my daughter, I have no companionship at all and YES it HURTS.

I wasn't cheating, I wasn't neglecting my sleeping and supervised child, I wasn't ducking work or shirking my responsibilities...I was letting ONE person who SOUGHT me out pay attention to me. No, I'm not thrilled that it turned out to be Jeff but there is a certain irony in the fact that he ended up being the only one there.

I'm done explaining myself to anyone. My obligations are met, my duties are fulfilled and so-FUCKING-what if I spent a few nights letting someone I once loved very much shower ME with attention?????

It's over by my choice - and if I change my mind again and let one more night happen at some point - that's MY damned choice - but you know what???

For the first fucking time in 4 MONTHS I got to NOT be so damned lonely and it was worth it.

Busted...

2007-03-14T13:45:00.000-05:00

The title may seem glib, but the post is not. I'm busted. I told Brad I was going by to drop money off to Jeff last night (insurance money) and today I was confronted by phone about what's going on.

I wasn't sure where he'd gotten his information from...so I admit that I didn't admit that I had slept with Jeff. But now I know it was pointless anyway because I just this moment found out how Brad knew.

He read this blog.

He had every right to. It's unfortunate that he read it just as I decided to 'end' it with Jeff and not in the future when it was a thing of the past but I suppose to some extent it's just as well.

The conversation actually gave me a chance to understand it all myself.

I did what I did because I am lonely. I don't know that I even realized it until I had to explain my actions.

I've posted about countless invites extended to Brad that he refused. My sister-in-law's fiancee says I call her too much. There's NO one that wants to spend time with me in my life and when Jeff called I went running as much because someone called at all as because it was him.

I admit that Jeff is the last person I should spend time with, but I can only defend my actions by saying that until you are as alone as I am you can not judge.

Either way, I have no plans to see Jeff anymore or to continue seeking attention from him. I'm not proud of what I did, but I don't regret it either. I can honestly say that for the brief time I played along, I enjoyed someone's attention again.

Swing Away

2007-03-13T07:24:00.000-05:00

I think I posted a week ago about a co-worker who I had confided in about Jeff that told me "I can't make you stop, I can't tell you what to do because you will do it anyway. But he hurt you before and he'll hurt you again and when you have had enough, you will stop".

I think I understand now. It's time to say goodbye.

I went to Jeff's house after work last night again. We ate dinner together - I had brought a few things from the restaurant - and then chatted and ended up with the backrub foreplay. God, it feels so good when he rubs my back.

He gave me a great massage and we were giggling and playing like kids. He was straddling me as he rubbed and I eventually turned over under him and he continued to straddle me. He leaned in and began to kiss me.

Again, it was different.

He took his time kissing me. My mouth, my face, my neck...as far as sex goes, it was passionate and somewhat tender and really nice. After it was over, he continued to kiss me for a bit before rolling aside and lying beside me talking for a bit.

Eventually I left.

I love him. I know that I do. The sound of his voice, the kiss, the touch, the feel of him...I love him. I don't choose to love him, but I am in love with him in ways I never knew. Ways that overtake me. Ways that push my common sense aside and let me succumb to him just to have a moment with him.

I love him.

It seemed easy at first. I love him, he's willing to use me - why not enjoy it for a bit?

It's stopped being easy.

I know as soon as I left he was probably online picking up other women. I know that he either does not love me or does not realize he loves me. Either way. I know this is doomed.

And I am only hurting myself, lowering my value, giving him my heart again when he is not deserving of it.

The bottom line is that I know that I have to stop. The question on my mind is whether or not I tell him that I am stopping and why or just start avoiding him. Do I tell him "Hey, listen - I know this is easy for you but I'm in love with you and this isn't right for me. I can't give you myself when you don't hold me in any value and I can't do this anymore"? Do I just try to avoid him?

I came to this decision last night. This morning my horoscope summed it up for me...

You have very real feelings of insecurity that can prevent you from letting go. The Moon in your 12th House of Endings, though, gives you an opportunity to dig into the hidden corners of your mind and to release old wounds now. This profound work can be done while multitasking in the real word, so keep one foot on dry land while you are exploring your inner realms.

Maybe this all served to give me closure. Maybe leaving him with a kiss instead of anger was the purpose after all. Maybe I am going to better be able to let go now that I can do so gently instead of with force and fire.

In other news, work was very funny last night.

Meet Chris. Chris is a young, punk of a line cook. A solidly built guy who is rough to say the least. Outspoken, tough - the sort of guy you know would probably slash your tires if you pissed him off - and our line cooks are easily pissed off.

I'm pretty sure I commented on him awhile back. He has beautiful eyes and I have enjoyed just watching him. I told a few close co-workers that I thought he had such beautiful eyes and they were all shocked. "Chris?????" they would gasp.

Sunday night, at closing time, a host-promoted-to-waiter was doing his closing sidework which was coffee. He was cleaning the machines and he asked me what else he needed to do. I handed him a pitcher and told him to empty the hot water in the machines and showed him how the hot water levers on the front would pour out the water. For those of you that don't know, the joke is that the machines are connected to water lines and no matter how long he went, he was never going to 'empty' them. No one saw or heard me do this prank, but moments later Chris walked by and pulled the same gag which really sealed the deal.

We were doubled over in laughter. Later I told Chris that I had commented on his beautiful eyes and what the reactions had been and he was torn between flattered and offended by the responses. He kept saying "That's not right!"

Last night, I noticed I had Chris's full attention. He was full of chatty comments and clearly had enjoyed my flattery and was like a puppy back for more treats. The normally cantankerous guy was in my way at every turn with cutesy jokes and the like.

Once he was in the kitchen and I needed a cutting board by his knees. I bent to get it and he said, "Hey, I don't know you that well yet!" and I told him I knew he'd have a comment. He argued that I shouldn't see him as predictable and I told him every guy was. He told me he wasn't 'every guy'.

Isn't that what 'every guy' says?

We had a conversation about age and he revealed that he is 22. TWENTY-FUCKING-TWO. Part of me was mortified while part of me though "Hmmm...boy toy".

When I dropped a plate and a meal had to be recooked - he did it without comment. Normally I would have been abused.

When I ordered a to-go at close for me and Jeff, he asked if it was for me. I admitted it was and he VERY nicely remarked that we were supposed to ring them in 30 minutes before close. His fellow cooks stopped dead in their tracks and stared. One commented, "Damn...Chris, if that had been me you would have been harder on me!"

I smiled at him and said "You can be harder on me".

His face was priceless. He got the innuendo in one beat and he said "Dude...I'm 22 - you can't say things like that to me!!!"

He didn't mean it as in "it was innappropriate" - he meant it as in he could be easily 'fired up'. You had to hear the delivery to get that.

Still, it was comical to realize I'm getting better at the flirting.

To sum it up, flirting for fun = good and Jeff = bad.

I have to pull back from him now. I have to let go. I have to let it hurt, let myself ache and accept that I'm worth more than this. I'm good to him, I am there for him, I am kind to him and he is willing to fuck me - sometimes tenderly - and then release me so he can invite other girls out to dinner and such.

Sorry, but shouldn't I be the one getting the dinner invites? Not that it would be smart, but still ---

I know it will hurt. I know I will cry again. I know another piece of my heart is breaking. But I also know it's time.

The Talk

2007-03-12T09:05:00.000-05:00

Work sucked last night. When I arrived at 5 I was immediately accosted by a host and manager apologizing profusely. A large party of 50 had come in 2 hours later than the time they'd reserved and was taking up my section. It was 2 hours before I could be sat a table and when I should have made at least $80, I actually made only $45. I was furious.

Towards the end of the night Jeff text messaged me asking me to come by to talk, he was feeling down. He specified "no sex" which made me roll my eyes, but I got the sense that he needed to just talk and I went.

We sat on the couch and just talked. He's "cycling down" as he calls it. His break-up with Jill is weighing on him, his job is frustrating him and he's just feeling low. We talked for awhile and I have no idea if it helped or not, but I tried. I was worried about his drinking. I watched him down an entire 6 pack of beer in the first 45 minutes I was there and he'd had two before I arrived. When I left he was not sober. I mentioned my concerns about his drinking to him.

I tried to be sympathetic. I really did. But I have to admit that inside I wanted to scream "You fucked everything up!!!"

Knowing Jeff, I know he needs a partner to help focus him. No one will ever be able to entirely keep him on course, but it does help. This is possibly the worst I have ever seen him and I'm worrying that he's well on his way to a drinking problem. Jeff's not a big drinker - or at least he never has been - so it signals a deeper depression and loss of control to me.

The things he wants and needs in his life - he had. With me. Someone to stand beside him. Someone who understood him. Someone who still loved him despite how difficult it is to love him. Someone who would make him a focus and would be willing to make his dreams their dreams. Someone who was strong enough to stand up to him, but also somewhat submissive enough to let him take the lead (he's a control freak, so this is a delicate balance). Someone who could say "Hey, you own your ex this much money and we need to do this and this to handle it". Someone willing to work to help bridge the gaps in his commissions. Someone willing to center him.

Hell, it's more than that.

Someone willing to get up with him at 4 am when he can't sleep and just sit with him - as I did MANY nights, but who won't require the same of him.

Someone who will give him everything they have in every way but won't expect much back.

And all of this, this elusive and impossible to find thing - he had. With me.

So yes, I am angry that he fucked it up. It can't be undone, it can't be rewritten, it can't be fixed and part of me just wants to scream because he needs me and I need him and neither of us can fully break our ties but he had everything he needed and wanted in me.

I'm not the same girl I was with him. For starters, my expectations of him are far lower. But I also can't ever imagine turning over so much control to someone I can't trust. It's a moot point since 'getting back together' is not an option, but if it were then there would only be new challenges to face because as much as I could do - I can never make him the center of my life again. When the center of your life is ripped away, you crumble and I've been there and done that.

Still, I just want to smack him in the forehead and yell "Stupid!!!"

Life with Jeff was never easy. I didn't like his ex-wife but I understood the importance of his kids and of his financial obligations. I may have disagreed on amounts (and still do) but both Jeff and his ex-wife thought I was just being greedy when my point really was "Hey! You earn X amount of money and owe her X amount of money and unless you have a big commission you can not afford X amount of money so this doesn't work!" No one listened and now he is far behind on paying her. It was never about not paying her. I may have disliked her, but I respected her as his ex and as the mother of his kids.

His kids were issue #2. Not the easiest children. Jeff has a short attention span and isn't the type of dad who finds joy in doing things a kid likes to do. I worked hard to come up with activities to do as a group that kept everyone happy. I planned zoo trips, built forts, grocery shopped to ensure everyone had healthy meals and weren't living on Happy Meals. I did arts and crafts, I tried to plan weekends that did not involve Jeff being on the computer playing poker while the kids roamed the neighborhood or played 27 hours of video games. When his oldest son confessed a tendency to "sneak out" of his mom's house in the middle of the night I began to listen for him at night and would get up and watch him (waking Jeff was impossible). I had many, many conversations with this child at 2 am when I would find him wandering the house. I was not willing to ignore it and let the child watch innapropriate tv shows and I wasn't comfortable knowing we lived on the edge of the Everglades swamp and his wandering outside meant snakes and gators. I busted my ass to make the weekends good for everyone and was usually rewarded with rudeness and the ex-wife bitching about anything from my "instant" mashed potatos to my telling her kids that they could or could not swim (sorry, but if I am supervising them, I should have a say so and if Jeff's occupied and the kids want to swim then I should be able to say "Sure, I can watch you" or "Sorry, I'm doing something now" or even "it's too COLD to swim and you have an earache" without having to deal with the bitchiness)

Fidelity was issue #3. Jeff is not capable of it. I was watchful because I knew this and busted his attempts several times before the end.

It could have been easy. All I ever asked of Jeff was to love me, respect me and be faithful. I didn't expect him to do anything beyond that. I couldn't possibly have made his life any easier.

I can not for one second believe that Jeff is 'better off' without me and now I feel like I am seeing the proof.

But I can't make him love me. Actually I can't make him love anyone. Jeff's only capable of appreciating what works for him and while he can fake love, he doesn't actually feel it.

But I still love him. And if there was a way, I'd do whatever I could to make everyone happy - the ex, the kids, Jeff, my family, Taylor - everyone. Me included ideally.

But I am not magic. I can't make this a reality. I can't change what happened. I can't fix a mess that I did not make. I can't bring this man back into my life this way with my friends, family and daughter opposing it. I can't defend him to them and he's not a 'big' enough man to do it himself.

All I can do is feel angry that what I still believe was a good thing for us all was destroyed beyond repair and occasionally I can sit with Jeff and watch him try to keep himself together all the while wishing I could be the person to help him put it back together and knowing I can't be.

But here's what hurts...the situation is unique. Jeff is hardly even human and requires a partner who understands him and is strong enough to work to overcome it. I was so deeply in love with him that I can't even imagine ever being with someone else and I was happy to be that partner. I did understand him and I did have the strength to fight. The odds of him finding another person willing to stand beside him the way I did and have are almost impossible. Even after what he did to me, I've been there for him at every turn.

Part of me wonders why he can't see that. Part of me realizes it doesn't matter if he did.

He lost me. It was a greater loss to him than to me. I offered him everything. I was good to him. He gave me nothing and was only concerned with himself.

I can find another person to be there for me even if I don't feel that same intensity and love I have for him.

He's never going to find another person who understands, accepts and still stands beside him.

And he'll continue to slide downhill...while I watch and mourn.

Ohhhhh....Ouch

2007-03-11T14:05:00.000-05:00

And here it is. The first waves of pain.

With only a few hours before work tonight, I took Taylor to the beach. Innocent enough...an hour or two in the sun. A book.

I saw them after about 20 minutes had passed. They stood on the sand watching kids romp in the surf. Shoulder to shoulder. Hand in hand. Casual, easy touches of a couple together for the long haul.

Tears just came.

I miss that so much in my life. I miss that person. The inside jokes, the feel of them against you as you sleep, the comforting touch, the casual embrace.

I thought my heart had already been broken, but some remaining fragment crumbled so loudly that I heard it *snap* and was sure the people around me could hear it as well.

Taylor was romping in the surf and I was alone so no one could see the tears, but still - I hurt all over again.

I hurt because I need someone so much in my life to feel that ease with. That partner. I hurt because of how alone I feel. I hurt because I know and have always known that it was supposed to be Jeff and it can't ever be.

Let me preface this by saying that I can never be with Jeff again. Ever. He lost me. I may still love him, I may try to be there for him - but he's lost me.

What hurts is that I still believe we are/were meant to be together.

I can't help thinking his life was better too when we were together. He seemed happy. I took care of him - professionally I was always there to help, personally I was always there to help, emotionally, sexually - in every way.

Sure, we had struggles but we faced them together whereas now it seems like he just continuously struggles. Sure we had difficulties, but when we faced them together it just worked.

He's always been able to talk to me. He's enjoyed me in conversations, in bed, in casual around-the-house fun and we did have a deeper connection. So why is it that he is/was so blind to it? If he had to name one person (not a sibling) who has been there for him, loved him, accepted him, supported him, cherished him, helped him and made him smile then it would have to be me. No one else has been a constant there. No one else reached him. No one else stood by him.

Why on earth do I sit here feeling empty when it should be him that misses it?

Let's imagine he realized it. Let's imagine he finally figured it all out. Would it matter?

No.

Because the past can be forgiven, but never forgotten. I could never trust him entirely. I could never bring him back into my family. I could never put him and my daughter together. I could never overcome what happened.

Not entirely true...the truth is that he'd basically have to work to move heaven and earth to win back my family and friends. He'd have to be sorry, he'd have to face them, he'd have to beg for another chance, he'd have to prove himself - and that's not who Jeff is.

But if the shoe were on the other foot - I would do it. Because I have always held "love" in high value. I've always believed it could move mountains. I'd prostrate myself to his every aquaintance to justify the reasons why I had been so stupid and deserved another chance.

But that's me. That's not him.

What hurts is that my feelings for him ran deeper than anything I've ever imagined. Deeper than anything I've seen.

Kayla asked me last night how I could be free and I had only one answer. He'd have to be gone.

Not gone from the city or state. Gone from the planet. He'd have to cease existing. Because if he was out there, somewhere, I would still always feel him on this planet. I'd feel him.

I'd seek him. Maybe not actively, but my heart would never stop searching like a beacon sending out signals in hopes of an answer.

Yet, I'd still fight his being gone. As much as I have wished him harm, if someone tried to harm him I would fight to the death to protect him. I would still fight for him.

I'm no more free now than I was when I was under his roof. I still somehow belong to him.

I've been reading The Stand for the past 4 months. I have precious little time to read, so it's taking an eternity. Once I would have finished it in days. In The Stand, Nadine is a woman who belongs to the evil Flagg. She's never met him but she somehow knows she belongs to him. She is not evil herself, but the certainty of her enslavement is as real as if she'd been born marked to be his.

I understand her. Somewhere on me or in me, I am marked to belong to Jeff.

I wish it washed away. I know I can never be complete now.

And yes, the hurting is starting.

Connections

2007-03-11T11:11:00.000-05:00

Whoa...

Can you be "hung over" from sipping a soda on a patio for 4 hours with a friend? If so, I swear that I am. I woke with a headache and fuzzy feeling.

I'm a tad sorry I didn't join 'the gang' after work last night. It would have been fun to continue my flirtation with John a bit more, but ultimately I had a great time just talking with Kayla even more.

Kayla and I really connected last night and our conversation was long and deep and honest and I think we both left feeling like it had been something special. She may be 15 years my junior, but Kayla is pretty sharp for her age and I'd hang out with her again anytime.

My connection with John is more a silly thing. I have to clarify it a bit just to be clear.

John is the only one there that's in my age group. He's neither attractive or unattractive but average looking. He's nice, a bit of a pain from time to time. He's an older man living like he was a 20-something year old kid. He's not even remotely on the spectrum for what attracts me to a guy.

But I've had fun flirting a little with him and seeing his reactions. One minute he'll be obnoxious and then I will flirt and a few minutes later he's teasing me and playing. He responds. I can see that my arrows hit their mark with him.

Had I gone last night, I imagine he would have had too much to drink and the flirting would have escalated.

I'm not worried about tangling with a co-worker this way because it's not as if either of us has feelings for the other beyond just getting along. I strongly suspect that in extreme circumstances if we had spent a night of heavy petting we'd both show up at work as if it had never happened and that's just fine.

For me, it really is nothing more than enjoying the games, the banter and the fun of flirting. I get the sense that it's the same for him.

Still, it's pretty funny to realize that I inadvertantly scored last night because he is bound to be confused that I was a 'no show'.

Talking with Kayla about Jeff was amazing. She just got it. There were times I would be talking and my own emotions would well up and her eyes would fill with tears. She was in the moment with me. She also holds no punches and won't hesitate to tell me I'm being selfish by even thinking about him.

I feel no real desire to communicate with Jeff today. The time away from him always brings me clarity and I feel clear now. It's when I see him or talk to him that he skirts my defenses and makes me feel like a drug addict chasing a high. After I see him, I long to see him again. When I manage to get away from him briefly I begin to miss him less. For example, right now I don't know if or when I will see him again and I don't really care.

But if he were to call, I'd go. I'd spend the next few days pining.

So my flirtation with John actually serves to distract me...

My friend Todd would call it a "love removal machine".

I just hope it works.

Deep

2007-03-11T03:27:00.000-05:00

Work was somewhat fun...

There's this co-worker (John), I mentioned before, my flirtatious one. It's subtle. VERY subtle. But it's there and I am sure we both feel it.

I'm pretty sure there's a hook-up in our future.

Tonight he invited me out with 'the gang' - a big step for him. I was excited and raring to go. When I got off, I sat to chat with another co-worker (Kayla) and my night took a turn.

Kayla is 19 and I've always liked her. We started talking innocently enough and before I knew it - 5 hours had passed. We sat on the restaurant patio and talked for 5 HOURS. When I spoke of Jeff, there were times that her eyes filled with tears. Kayla understood...whether from experience or empathy - she understood it.

I never made it to my 'date' which I imagine will puzzle John even more. When he asks me, I will give him the same answer he once gave me. Only better. I will step close to him, look him in the eye and smile just a little and say, "Because I knew what would happen if I went..." and then one final look before I walk away with a smile.

I've missed flirting.

The good thing is - no Jeff tonight. I did chat in IMs with him today. It was easy to talk to Kayla about it all and know she really did understand me. I'm home now and I don't feel that same 'pull' to Jeff.

Distance makes it easy. If I don't see or speak to him, I am safe. But when I see him - I lose control.

Because I still love him.

Even while I contemplate a mock-seduction of John, in my head I know I remain emotionally unavailable to any other man.

I gave my heart away. I never got it back and it's been long destroyed. Still - no one can ever inspire the intensity I felt for Jeff and anything less will never do.

Talking to Kayla was fun though - I really like her. :)

WTF???

2007-03-09T08:37:00.000-05:00

WTF??? I know that's the question on your minds, right?

Here it is then...

Of course I am still in love with Jeff. Has there ever really been anyone except for me who thought otherwise? Why I continue to feel so much for someone who hurt me so badly is really a rotten thing, but it's there. It's impossible to answer 'why' on this one. I couldn't have told you why from the first moment I fell. Yes, he's not the man I believed him to be. But he still is someone I have so much fun talking to - Even when we lived together our conversations were always full of engaging intensity. He makes me laugh, he makes me think, he makes me groan but it's never dull.

And yes, I also know that I need to let go somehow and move on. I can never be with him again. I know it. He knows it. I know that he's not sitting around wishing he could be with me and that my feelings are very one-sided, but somehow I am just still full of so much lingering feeling for him. I wish I wasn't.

It is a different feeling. Maybe there's a safety in knowing I can't be with him for us both.

My sister found out I'd seen him and chewed my ass out seven different ways yesterday. A co-worker also blasted me but then she said something really insightful to me.

She was a battered wife. She said that emotional abuse is just as hurtful and in her opinion I was emotionally abused. She said "I can't beat you up about this, you'll do that on your own - I can't make you stay away from him because you will go to him when you want no matter what anyone says or does but I can tell you this: He hurt you before without remorse and he will do it again. At some point you will decide in your heart that you have had enough and you will stop going to him for a moment knowing that the price you pay later is more than you can bear. Until you reach that point in your heart, you're trapped by your own feelings."

She's right. I've felt like a crack-addict or something. I've lied to friends and family to get to see him. I've snuck around like a thief. I am not proud. If anything, I am disturbed by how easily he can get me under his thumb.

I did see him last night after all. I went over after work and when I arrived he was sipping merlot and watching basketball. We sat on the couch together and talked and watched the game. It was fun and it was, in it's own way, awkward as if we were new lovers. Occasionally we'd touch with the appearance if accidentally. A leg might bump and we'd leave it in place. He'd had a few glasses of wine, which may account for the night, but he was as involved in the flirtation as I was.

When the game ended, it was more awkward. It was the point I should have said goodnight and we both seemed unsure of what to do next. Under some 'innocent' gesture that I can't recall, we ended up hugging and he began to rub my back which kept me in place. A minute later we were kissing.

The kissing was better. More like the old kisses that used to melt me. It was a full-on make-out session and we began to move, while still kissing, towards the bedroom.

The rest is obvious.

It might have been the wine but it seemed somewhat 'more' to me last night. It felt like there was less of a casual interlude and more of a connection. There was more kissing, a slower movement, a deeper clutch.

When I left, I knew my heart had fallen just a bit more. I'm sure his closed up the moment I left the sheets.

At one point he asked if I would be staying the night. I pointed out that I couldn't and he said it was okay with him either way.

Sleeping beside him? Curling against him? Snuggled against his back like I did for 365 days of my life?

Oh, really...my heart would have shattered entirely. I would have lost my free will entirely and lay there in complete surrender and pain.

Again, I don't know when or if I will see him again.

So...wtf?

All of my life I have been this somewhat independent thinking person. I was the 'lead' in every relationship. With Jeff, I was able to be his entirely and I could never in a million years explain how deep and strong my love for him was. For the duration of our relationship I was always deeply in love. No other man existed. Nothing mattered but pleasing him - had he asked, I would gladly have given up sleeping and eating to wait on him hand and foot. I was beyond submissive with him...I was lost entirely. No one has ever been able to do that to me. It's a bit like training a dog to love only you and then abandoning it...I've been so lost in myself. Feeling moments of him again is dangerous, stupid and wrong but still something I crave as strongly as a drug addict.

I don't allow myself to wish that he would feel the same because god forbid that he did, it would create more problems.

Yes, I will hurt again. Hopefully less. But yes, I still love him. Even I hate myself for saying that, but I can only swear to you that you can't understand or judge without being in my very specific shoes. You have to know that if it was less to any degree I would never put myself through this - you have to know that if I could turn this off and run away I would.

Maybe the next time he hurts me it will be enough to send me away for good.

I don't know anything anymore. I'm still working towards my goals.

No one knows. No one ever will if I have my way. I see him in the late hours of night after work when my daughter is home with my stepfather and both are asleep.

God help me, I know it's wrong. I know it's setting myself up for another fall. I know he doesn't love me.

But if you only knew how much I wish things had turned out differently...if you only knew. There have been times that I would not have traded a second of being in his arms and feeling loved for all the money in the entire world. Times when I would have sacrificed a limb or an organ rather than not sleep beside him.

I'll keep this in perspective for what it is. I still love him, so I see him when I can. He doesn't love me, but will play around with me and be friendly, so he'll see me occasionally. There's nowhere for it to go. There's no future. This will end. Probably badly.

But for just this moment...

I know I'll be angry again. I've been so angry for so long. This tiny moment in time has removed that anger. It has felt so wonderful to not feel those ugly feelings. That may even be a part of it all for me.

I know I will cry again. There are times I think it could even be worth the tears.

The ultimate irony is that this is the man who hurt me so deeply and so badly that I lost the ability to let any man close to me again. I've actually slapped away the hands of men at work who reach out to adjust my collar or to touch my arm. I've literally reacted reflexively and slapped their hand away.

And this is the man I let get the closest to me.

Perhaps it's time to shave my head, get a few new tattoos and be carted forcefully away to a rehab program.

Better?

2007-03-08T09:30:00.000-05:00

I'm okay today. As I imagined, Jeff made it a point not to contact me yesterday but I did send him a quick IM late at night and we chatted briefly.

The distance did me a little good. I feel stronger today. More focused on myself and what I need to do. I won't see him again tonight and that's probably a very good thing. I don't know yet if I will see him tomorrow night or not. I know I am supposed to see him briefly...but I suspect he'll duck out of it.

Of Psychos and Seers

2007-03-07T10:00:00.000-05:00

I am fascinated with the human psyche.

I always have been.

Everyone has a special talent. Mine is to see people. To understand them. I've commented before on how well I read tarot cards but there are moments I ask if there is no magic to it and I am just that capable of reading the person over the cards. Even a stranger - I can start to sum them up in a few short breaths. I don't know how. I could never explain how. I just know that I have always been able to see into people I meet.

When I was a kid, I used to wish I could step inside of someone else to see how they thought, lived, breathed and perceived things.

With what appears to be a dramatic change of subject - (but isn't) - if you asked me which TV show character I would be most likely to fall in love with I would tell you Dr. Gregory House from the hit show House.

Have you seen it? He's a ruthless, selfish, emotionless, cold-hearted bastard.

Hmm. Something's clicking here for me.

I realize I am drawn to men who are unreachable because I haven't been able to figure out how they work. I think they represent the one 'person' I haven't been able to undertand fully and I am driven to know them. To learn them. To reach them.

The scenes on House where he appears momentarily vulnerable or responsive to a woman are erotic to me. The tension, the thrill of contact with the distant soul - it lights up my nerves.

Breaking love down to bare science, it stands to reason that I tend to be repeatedly drawn to men who are difficult to reach, hard to get close to and impossible to love easily.

Hence Jeff.

The reason for my lingering self-enslavement to Jeff I believe stems from failure. I thought that I had reached him. I believed that I had connected. To feel as though I had accomplished that and to be relishing and cherishing the relationship I felt I had hard won and then have him tell me it was all bullshit is almost impossible to swallow. It crushes me. I'm not saying it wasn't real love - in my way it was - but I am saying that I felt like I had succeeded at connecting with the elusive creature I had spent my life in search of only to have it turn on me and maul me.

Rather than run or give up, I imagine I am drawn to the idea of having another path to connecting. If there's one thing I am not, it's a quitter. I am a fighter through and through and if you put obstacles in front of me, I spend my time searching for paths around them.

I need to be able to find a connection with Jeff again on some level. I know that I can not be with him in a relationship. It's like loving the scorpion - you know you will one day get that fatal sting. But I still find myself needing to find a solid connection on any level.

I would go further and suggest this: Jeff's psychopathic/sociopathic nature and my 'seer' nature are naturally drawn together. For all of his belief that he doesn't need or want any sort of connection he is still drawn to me because it fascinates him that I can see into him just as much as it fascinates me. It's as though he is a foreign creature and has found a translator. Like a ghost who finds the person that sees them. He doesn't always like it, and in fact it often irritates or scares him because he wants to be seen and doesn't want to be seen all at the same time. He doesn't want me figuring him out, but he remains connected to someone he knows 'gets' him because he can drop pretenses with me when it suits him and open up on a new level for him.

But he'll always fight me. He'll open the door, welcome me in, enjoy me for a time and then when I strike the nerve or when I see too much, he'll throw me out, brutally try to drive me away in ways that should keep me from ever coming back and essentially hurt me again and again.

Likewise, I am drawn to that connection. I'll walk into his open door, enjoy him for a time and then suffer when I get close enough to touch something new and he strikes out at me.

Comfort levels are a challenge for Jeff. Each time he and I reach one that's new to him he'll push me back. It's the old two steps forward, three steps back theory. I make a new path, get a little closer to the real Jeff and he throws me back. I can retrace the path and try again, I can start a new path and get back to where I was and possibly manage an additional step forward but I have to be prepared to know he'll only throw me back again.

It hurts less to understand him than it does to realize how drawn I am to the quest. Even in fiction, I have always been most responsive to this scenario. The unreachable man who somehow lets a woman in and then battles it. It is the epitome of romance to me.

Which means I am as doomed to suffer as he is. Because I am chasing that which is guaranteed to hurt again and again.

A man who let me in willingly or opened up entirely would never manage to hold my interest. That would be the man who would be easy to love and would be good to me.

I am as damaged as he is.

The irony is that it makes he and I the soul mates I once thought we were. The tragedy is that it's an impossible relationship on any level.

As I promised, there has been no communication with Jeff today. Yesterday my first email from him was early.

He won't contact me today because he's in holding pattern. If I were to contact him, he might respond but his response would be distant. He hasn't pushed away yet but he's in neutral gear for the moment. He has no use or need for me today. He knows I won't be seeing him today. To contact me would be weak. It would show a desire to communicate that he doesn't want to have.

He probably won't contact me tomorrow either. That one's iffy. He may want to retain his hold on me and might reach out for some non-essential but random communication that wouldn't be warm but would be just enough to keep me in the game. Friday he is supposed to return something to me. That's an obligation on his end. He doesn't like obligations. Friday could go either way. He may reach out to me to fulfill a different need - sex, entertainment or distraction but he'll also want to avoid me because seeing me would mean repaying me.

It will come down to which need is greater.

If he sees further use for me beyond this favor, he'll reach out. Establishing that trust of repaying me will mean he'll think I'll trust him more for a larger favor next time.

It's all so calculated and complicated.

Still, I bet I'm right on this one.

Second Time Around

2007-03-07T08:29:00.000-05:00

As agreed, I went by Jeff's house again after work last night. I gave him the truck payment he asked me to bring him and I picked up the check that had been left for me by one of my employees.

Work was dead slow and I left a bit early. I text messaged Jeff and offered to bring him dinner from the restaurant and he agreed. When I got there, we ate together and chatted.

We sat on the couch once more and talked again over glasses of merlot.

But it was different this time.

I know that I am still hopelessly in love with him - and I feel like I correctly say hopelessly since no amount of abuse has managed to kill that in me. Still, I realized from our conversation that he's still a really dangerous person. He has plans and schemes and drama that truthfully were interesting at first in a hypothetical sense but then became a bit of an emotional turnoff. If half of what he theorized to me and fantasized about is true then someday I stand to make a great fortune writing a book about him and making the talk-show circuit.

I suppose one thing that struck me was how freely he shared it all with me. Either he's making it all up or he's managed to overcome his own lack of trust in me in relatively short time.

Or he believes he has that much control over me.

It began to get late and I prepared to go. I got the sense that there was something he was waiting for and it revealed itself when he asked for a backrub. I obliged partially because I owed him for a phenomenal backrub he'd given me, partially because I wanted to feel him and partially because I knew he was really asking for sex and I'm still enjoying the sensation of sex with someone I feel things for after a long celibate period.

I rubbed his back until my hands cramped and when I was done he rubbed my wrists and began to rub my lower back. Within no time we were having sex. This time it felt like it used to...it wasn't awkward but rather familiar.

He talked a little about Jill and I was really surprised. Again, if what he says is true than she's not the innocent I thought she was.

I drove home without feeling confused about my feelings this time. I enjoyed the sex, I enjoyed talking to him but I was put off emotionally by the realization that he is still heading down a dark path. Continuing on this way will guarantee him a few news headlines someday. He seemed to be enjoying sharing his dark side with me and while I was glad he felt he could talk to me it was somewhat of a wake-up slap to me as well.

When I fell in love with Jeff the first time things were different. I saw him as this troubled man struggling with himself and hoping to find happiness and acceptance. He was vulnerable and it touched me. It made me want to help him, to save him, to cherish him and make him feel as special as I thought he was.

The man I came to know and the man I spent time with last night was a man who was proud of his dark side to the point of bragging. He wasn't showing vulnerability or emotions.

Now again, I know Jeff. To some extent I wonder how much of this was a wall. How much was him trying to show me he's still a bad man to ensure I can't love him? How much was real?

With him, you never really know for sure. He either has two sides or he's a great faker. I often wonder if schizophrenia shouldn't be added to his list.

I suppose I'm somewhat relieved. It put things into perspective a bit for me. It boiled it all down to what it was....sex. Sure, I may have lingering emotions I am clinging to and searching for the man I loved so much once, but ultimately he enjoyed himself by being a man that I could never let my own guard down with.

I'm not saying I won't spend time with him again or that the sex is over, although I can't say I will spend time with him or have sex with him again - but ultimately I did realize he remains the unloveable man.

Yesterday he made a point of emailing me - maintaining that contact we'd shared and it was warm and nice. I'm ready to bet that I will not hear from him at all today. He has to balance it out and withdraw now. I won't be contacting him either. I'm content with keeping the past two days in perspective.

The contact did put me off my sense of longing for a companion and for someone to love. That's probably somewhat dangerous since it's clear to me that as long as Jeff is in my life in any form I can not open myself up to anyone new. On the other hand, it soothed an ache I felt and it's nice to have that too.

Jeff would surprise me if he contacted me today. It would show a connection. He already knows I am busy and won't see him tonight, he has what he needed from me and his MO would be that he should be done with me for the moment.

Honestly, I would be confused if he did contact me.

I realize he still has a lot of control over me. I still have this desire to please him. He could easily keep me on a leash if he chose to, but I'm not sure he wants to do that. When you leash a creature you become responsible for maintaining it and that may be more effort than he's wanting to put forth. It's good for me if he chooses not to because I can maintain my senses slightly better and not give up total control to him.

I know I'm playing with fire. It's sad to realize how much I still do love him in spite of himself. I do also know I could never be with him again in a relationship but it doesn't do much to break his hold on me.

Compartments

2007-03-06T08:41:00.000-05:00

You don't really want details on last night, do you?

I didn't think so. Especially since I know most of you are just groaning at my weakness.

It wasn't as sordid as it sounded. I dropped something off to him, we talked for hours about work and life and then I got a great back rub and...well, and more.

It was a bit awkward, we both agreed. There was no comfort level.

"You feel bigger," I told him (he's gained weight)

"You feel smaller," he told me (I've lost weight)

"I might hate you again tomorrow. I always seem to feel angry with you when this happens. I'll try not to, but I might."

"I know".

So, I'm trying hard to keep myself in perspective. I did learn things after all though. Not all of them were good things.

I learned that I am still in love with him. As horrible as he's been and with every reason to hate him, I was completely engaged in the conversation and enjoyed being able to talk.

I know he has no feelings where I am concerned. That's ok. Well, not 'ok' but it is what it is.

I tried hard not to think about what happened as I drove home. I turned the radio off. I tried to make to-do lists in my head. I got home and fell asleep.

I continue to work hard this morning to put it out of my head and I am keeping my head above water. If I stop to think about it, I might lose the small grip I have on the situation.

I don't understand how I can still care for him but it's there. Seeing him, hearing his voice, laughing with him - it all felt so nice.

And whoa, there's that thinking I promised not to do.

A commenter called me a slut and stupid last night and it was good for a laugh. A slut? Damn, I wish. Last night broke my longest ever celibate streak. I had sex with someone I was deeply in love with and still care for - even though I knew it was meaningless to him. I'm fairly certain that doesn't make me a slut. Stupid? That one's right. I'd managed to put him out of my head and heart for the most part only to realize he never really was out of my head or heart. He was always there, just locked up.

It's not as if we're reconciling. That's not happening. My family would kill us both. Brad would kick my ass - and probably his too. I'm not brave enough to try that again. So while it was meaningless sex for him, ultimately it couldn't be that much different for me since I knew I couldn't have anything more than that anyway. Even if he wanted, I could not go back. He doesn't want me back but at least in the end, it's my choice not to be there as well.

I don't expect this to be a regular occurence. I don't even know that it will ever happen again.

But for the moment, I don't regret it yet.

I realized that where talking to men generally doesn't interest me, I was easily engaged in my long casual conversation with him. That answers some questions for me. It doesn't solve anything or relieve anything, but I know where my heart is now.

Too bad it's in a place it doesn't belong.

Constantly Kissing Frogs

!!! NEWSFLASH !!!

Dear Dad

Explaining This Thing That I Cannot Explain

Bad Blogger! Bad Blogger!!!

We Can't Go On Together (With Suspicious Minds)

Imperfections

For Giggles

Love is in the Air

Happy Hearts & Flowers Day!

Step One

Hold On

A Tale of Two Perspectives Starts With Goodbye

Okey-Dokey

Can We Talk?

It's hard

For Jenni

Wednesday

Me

Why?

I'm back....

Private Post #1

It was bound to happen

TGIM

Drama Queen in Dramaville

TGIF

Embraced

That Hesitant Smile

The Weekend Ends

The Girl Feels Strange

Silly Girl

Knocked Up

Drama Queen in Wonderland

*Beep* *Beep* *Beep*

And Again

Boyz R Stoopid

Absolutely. Deeply. Always.

Fun Junkie

Holding the Crown

Burn...

Crash...

Showtime, Synergy!

Sirens

Party Like a Rock Star

Never Again

I Am a Rock Star

A Little Secret

Grounded

It's all good...

Good Morning!

There's a New Sheriff in Town

It's My Life (Don't You Forget)

Monday

This Other Girl

For The Record

Shameless Begging

Small Hours

Waiting

Monday

Please Suck

That Damned Feeling

Today

To Whom It May Concern

Notes

K.I.T.

Monday

Friday the 13th

Brighter Discontent

I am Cursed

Hanging

Can You Spare a Dime?

Hello New Life

Home Sweet Home

Guess what???

Warp Speed ENGAGE!!!

Shoo!

Just Blue

How Was My Night?

Blue Monday

My Looking Glass

Beep Beep Beep